just play it COOL

‪The beginning of relationships are so fun and confusing and frustrating and exciting and terrifying and annoying and more words that I can’t think of right now.

You know when you get to that point where you are both timidly sure that you like each other but you’re still trying to “play it cool”? What does that even mean? Why do we do that? You just end up feeling like you’re playing mind games. [If I wait 6 more hours to text him back, he’ll think I was really busy and that he wasn’t on my mind and that I don’t really care about him that much and it’s not big deal and I don’t really need him and I’m not that clingy and I don’t over think things and I’m really easy-going]

I, personally, don’t know how to play it cool and be calm. I just don’t.

Part of that, I think, is projected on me by a relationship that ended badly and abruptly by a guy that completely freaked out when I simply said “I’m willing to give this a shot” – I am not quite sure if he heard me say “I want to marry you and have lots of babies”? But at any rate – he ended things and never called me again. A mutual friend of ours told me that I apparently "let my cards show" too soon and I needed to have more mystery.

???

But I seriously don't know how to do that. If I like someone, I like them. And I want to hang out with them and talk to them. So I don't understand why it is bad if I call or text them. Isn’t it mystery enough if I’ll be wearing sweat pants or actually put on a respectable outfit the next time they see me? What about if the next meal I cook them will be edible? What about how freaky my friends are going to be (*cough* SDGT *cough*) – there are plenty of other mysteries. We don’t need to go around giving people unnecessary ulcers about whether we’re interested in them or not.

best blog ever

Um....did I just find my new favorite blog of ALL TIME. ever? BEST. BLOG. EVER. beards.

i hate muscles

Girls do the funniest things.

For example, SOME girl I know, likes this new boy. So what does she do? Starts exercising again. You know, so she can be in good shape for all these hikes he talks about wanting to go on.

One problem, this plan has sort of backfired. You see, I (I mean, SHE) can't walk - and my arms don't work anymore. So, not only am I probably not anymore physically fit than I was one week ago, I now look like a grandma when I walk, I can't lift anything heavier than a sheet of paper and when he asks me why I am limping I'm going to have to come up with some excuse like--cold weather makes my hip hurt! Guys like girls that age prematurely, right?? You know, the ones that grunt with excruciating effort when they try to lift their arms to greet them with a hug?

He's one lucky guy....

Eric and BJ should not read this post

I told you a while back about a semi-creepy but mainly harmless co-worker that sometimes says suggestive if-i-were-younger-I’d-want-to-date-you comments to me. He’s actually been really good lately, hasn’t really said much to me. Only honked his horn or playfully gotten mad if I have forgotten to say hello to him as I have walked by. But the other day as I was walking to my car for lunch he asked me if I liked candles. “Of course!” was my reply because I always have them stocked in my house and burn them anytime I am at home. So he asked me to wait in the parking lot while he ran back to his office. He came back with several boxes of decorative candles. He handed them over to me and wished me a Merry Early Christmas. But made me sit there and open every box and then comment on how much I loved them and then smell each one. Only…they are really awkward looking and smelling candles. It was some of my best acting (you know, other than Date #4 in the previous post). Maybe I should not have accepted them – but that would have been rude, right? Or maybe I should have lied and said “No, I hate candles, how awkward is it when things MELT! Ew!” But, I didn’t and then when he was opening every box for me so I could adore them I just didn’t know what to do. So, now I have a bunch of pinecone candles in my house complete with santa and reindeer candle holder….and I have no idea what to do with them.

dating so far

So....update. you meet some unique personalities online.

I don't want to sound like I'm going overboard here, but I may have had four dates with four different guys this week... [side note: i am a bit overwhelmed]

Date #1: super interesting guy. works in the film industry. we went to a local pub and ended up chatting for about 4 hours. he made me laugh and the only thing that gave me pause was the fact that he admitted owning more props then he could fit in his garage [including, and i quote, "two chainsaws, one clean one and one with fake blood!"]. hmmmm.... at the end of the date he said "well, that was fun. i'm going to be really busy for the next week or two but it'd be fun to go out again" noooooot really expecting to hear from him again.

Date #2: cutest date ever. he called me up on saturday afternoon and asked me if i wanted to go to the dog park to play with him and his pup. he came to pick me up with starbucks in hand (for someone with an addiction this is heavenly). we went to the dog park and played around with his puppy for about an hour: throwing the frisbee, running around, chatting and laughing. Afterward we went to lunch at this fantastic rib place where he ordered this huge entree plate for us to share and then let me take home the left overs because he remembered I lived with boys. so not only do i love him, my roommates do as well. He has already called again for a second date :)

Date #3: well, it had to go wrong somewhere. imagine one of the most awkward loud talkers you've ever met in a really quiet hipster coffee shop. that was this man. he was afraid of silence. and he kept making statements like "i hate sports, but i love theater!"

Date #4: worst of all. he is a lawyer and has an inability to stop asking awkward and incriminating questions. he kept asking me how many other dates i had been on and how many more i had lined up....and then claimed it was just because he wanted to know when i would be free again in the future. he asked if i had ever dated an asian before. he told me i looked way better than my photos. he tried out a couple of pick-up lines on me. he remembered EVERYTHING about my profile and was offended that i didn't remember everything about his. throughout the evening he asked me out for the future several times: want to go rock climbing sometime? we should go skiing in big bear. have you been to the irving spectrum, we should go. you would love the americana we'll go to that soon. so what are we going to do for our next date? next time we go out i'll bring you pho, i make it the best.....AGH!!! i started running out of excuses and i'm a pretty good actress. perhaps my favorite part was when he asked me what talents i had, so i shared....then he said "yeah, i don't have any talents...but i do write poetry sometimes. like...what's your last name? i'll find something that rhymes with that and write you a poem real fast."

It has been interesting to say he least. But two good dates out of four is not bad - and one that could actually be promising is miraculous!

by the way...if any of you want to be hooked up with a lawyer i've got a number i could give you.

Cinepoem

I shared a poem I love with you in August - Tyranny of the Mirror by Ladonna Witmer. Here it is as a cinepoem. The struggle we all bare.

sometimes i think my gchat conversations could change the world

3:10 PM J: is today a holiday? where's the maillady?

3:11 PM the femail lady

3:12 PM me: no idea.

we got mail here

it is def. not a holiday

17 minutes

3:30 PM J: weirrrrd

3:31 PM me: i can't WAIT for lunch on thursday!!

J: i know! finally. . . it's been so long

me: truth!

did you go to yoga today?

3:32 PM J: nope im going in an hour. . . i didnt sleep till 5 am last night so i couldnt wake up for that

3:33 PM me: whoa!!

that's late

i went to bed at 9!

J: nice

i tried going at 11

did you get all caught up

me: on sleep? no, probably never. i could sleep for the rest of my life and love it

3:34 PM also, i could marry the sun.

J: sex would hurt though

me: probably even hugging

J: probably even coming within millions of miles of each other

hey dude

This guy I have been interested in and chatting with for a bit finally asked me out. I was beginning to suspect that all he ever wanted to do was send messages and chat online and it was getting a little daunting…I knew all it would take is ignoring him for a couple of days.

We really like him, on paper

Just one thing though, not sure what to think about the fact that he makes the subject of every message he sends me "hey dude". That’s weird, right?

I can't tell if he wants to be my friend or date me.

Or if he just forgets my name

Or if he is just a victim of the Joshua Harris/John Eldredge era and doesn't know how to talk to a girl he wants to ask out.

what to do with all this free time...

So, i just graduated. with two master's degrees. i know, i am super smart, try not to be intimidated. i obviously mean this for people who have never met me, because if you have - well, then you know i pretty much just faked it through most of those degrees :)

anyway, now that i am done i thought to myself "self, you have a lot of free time. you should maybe go one some dates cause you have not done that in a while"

so i decided to give online dating another try.

then i was quickly reminded of why online dating is so weird.

day #4 of online dating and i receive this message:

"Is it really you in the pictures? Or did you just post the pics of a pretty girl in order to attract and kill guys like me? You have to tell me if you're a creepy guy at a computer in someone's basement, ok?"

um....YOU'RE the creepy one. delete. i'll be sure to keep you posted on all upcoming adventures.

bieber

i'm not going to lie - i wish i had excuse to go to a justin bieber concert and not look creepy/pathetic. i've had two friends who have gone this summer because they got to take their daughter. what a great excuse! daughter! i don't have a 9 year old. i'd have to follow one around so when people look at me weird like "aren't you too old to be yelling 'I'LL NEVER KISS AND TELL JUSTIN" i could just lead over to some unsuspecting kid and say "i think our seats are this way sweetie" - but then her actual parents might get creeped out.

lucky parents.

So many reasons why this guy is not married

It physically hurts me to watch the video.

1. the guy is dumb.
2. he is actually calling out for his "mama". this, of course, is not strange. becuase why would he be calling out for a girlfriend or a wife? he wouldn't have one. he spends all of his time playing video games. for such long increments of time, in fact, that he gets disoriented and throws things at the screen.
3. he thinks hitting the top of the television is going to bring the picture back into clarity....



boys......can't live with 'em - can't kill 'em.

Nanny....er

A friend of mine brought my attention to the following craigslist ad [craigslist has the BEST ADS!!]:

--------------------
Nanny plus needed to perform basic motherly and wifely duties for young father and his 9 year old daughter :)

Must be single (no issues), nice looking and in good shape to keep up with hiking, camping etc....

Must be willing to join me and my daughter at Disneyland, movies, dinners out etc....

Must have transportation and live within 10 miles of Los Angeles county.

Please send current photo with short resume.

Thank you for your interest :)

Brad

-------------------------
um....brad....that's creepy. Either look for a nanny or look for a girlfriend - but this is one area where it's not considered efficient to kill two birds with one stone.

Seriously an ad. I'm not kidding. He's willing to pay $10. Look here.

The funny things people say

I have a could funny quotes to share with you - that also make me slightly concerned about the depth and topic of conversations I have with people in my life:

Yeti: "we're going to fight a lot when we get married when we're 40 and both still single."
Boy: "I know. Our biggest fight will probably be where we are living. I wonder if a long distance marriage will work. I bet we could just do skype sex and weekend rendezvous."

Yeti: "even Spider thinks you should get a facebook to join the community."
Bee: "I'm glad for Spider. Still not sure I would call it community. That was a stretch for me. Facebook can't watch my kids or drink a beer with me while I watch a game or visit me in prison or at the hospital. ;). Although, I'm sure ole Zuckerman will appreciate one more soul in his cache!"

Yeti: Are you listening to that link I sent you yet? I am falling in love with this man. There are just TOO MANY GOOD ARTISTS! I am going to go poor buying music. And going to concerts. And my heart is going to run out of love for bearded men. Not really. My heart has an unlimited supply of love for bearded men.

paaaaarty

i think i'm becoming cool. i've always been the girl that's in bed before 10 because, well, i like sleep. and i get cranky.
but this week. i've been a party animal.
i went camping with the girls on friday in san luis obisbo. gorgeous.
i went to a gaelic storm concert on saturday night with an awesome girlfriend. bagpipes are good for my soul.
i watched football all day sunday.
i went to a mumford and sons concert on monday night and didn't even throw myself at them. restraint? yes, thank you.
and then i went to the king charles concert at the viper room on tuesday night. becuase he is awesome and has gorgeous hair and i don't even mind his mustache.

now i am going to go slip into a coma. becuase this weekend the landladies are having a halloween paaaaaarty. what to dress up as.....what to dress up as.....

write me a song

I think that the most romantic thing a guy could ever do for you is to write you a song. [or a song about you] But you can't ever tell a guy that cause that makes you sound pretty self-centered: "hey, i think i'm pretty neat so i think you should write a song all about how awesome you think i am and how i make your stomach feel like it's all tied up in knots....and if that's NOT how you feel about me, we should probably break up!"

anyway. thought i'd throw that up here to help other girls out. and then nonchalantly point my blog out to some guy and be like "oh, i totally forgot what i posted on october 15th, 2010...could you remind me?"

spelling

I realize I am not the best speller in the world. In fact, I misspell things all the time. But if you misspell obvious words, I'm going to judge you and probably not want to date you. I didn't say it was fair....but intertaining? really?

quotes

i have a very funny friend - and her status updates on facebook always crack me up. i keep trying to convince her that she should start a blog, but she won't listen to me. something about three kids and blah blah blah. seriously, i don't know if i will ever have kids - i don't know how you mothers out there do it. it is exhausting!! you are heroes.

anyway, i thought i would share some of her status updates with you so that you can laugh to (you know, until i can convince her to start that blog...)
------------------

If I had known I was going to have acne for my entire post-puberty life, I would have enjoyed it a bit more in high school. At least then I didn't have wrinkles.

There's just something about new furniture that makes me gigglier than a toddler watching Barney. Wow, my examples have really taken a turn for the rated-G. Must find corruption.

Either I wear sweatpants way too much or my daughters' expectations are really, really low when I come downstairs in jeans and they exclaim gleefully, "Mommy, you look so fancy!"

For the record, it's best to put your pants back on BEFORE you go to retrieve something from your car in the garage in case you forgot that the garage door was up and your neighbor's kids are outside playing in the street.

I'd like to give the whole world a Sharpie and some duct tape. Only magic can happen.

I came upon a roll of toilet paper in the church bathroom this morning that had no beginning or end, kind of like God. I know that it's not as significant spiritually as, say, finding Jesus' picture in a potato, but there's gotta be a sermon in there somewhere.

New rule in our house: No going potty, wiping and then using that same toilet paper to wipe your hair. Please, make this a rule in your house, too, before it's too late. I suffer so you don't have to. That's the kind of selfless person I am.

is finding inspirational quotes to be more annoying than inspirational. I don't want inspiration. I want a margarita.

just read a list of salads that are full of fat and calories that people, in an attempt to be healthy, are apparently obliviously ordering from restaurants not knowing the hidden dangers. Taco Bell's beef fiesta taco salad was on the list. Really? This is breaking news? They come in fried tortilla bowls. I think the healthy jig is up right there.

realizes she might not be the most qualified swimming instructor when her daughter tells people, "I'm not a good swimmer, but I'm a great sinker!"

While shopping at Target today, a woman asked me which wipe warmer I used for my baby. I told her I didn't use one. She looked shocked and asked if I felt bad putting cold wipes on the baby. I told her that he bites when he nurses, so we're pretty much even. She looked even more shocked and said, "They bite when... they nurse?" I wished her all the best.

doesn't understand this whole over-specified coffee-drink thing. How many drinks did you have to buy before you found a combination you liked? Why not make it at home if you're that afraid? I love my high-maintenance coffee-drink-ordering-friends, but if your order takes more than one breath to place, then you shoul...dn't be drinking coffee-based drinks in the first place. You're already too high-strung.

Someone just stormed into my room and said, "You PROMISED me no one dies in Pinocchio, and now Pinocchio's dead!" Someone is going to owe me an apology very shortly.

If you can't park your Hummer on the first, second, or third try, then you need to get yourself a smaller car and get your gas-guzzling self out of my impatient way!

What is a Justin Bieber?

If you're going to have a bumper sticker on the back of your car that says, "The only reason I'm speeding is because I really have to poop," then it would behoove you to at least go the speed limit. If you go 15 under, then I really can't take your bowel situation seriously, and that's the real tragedy.

If I wasn't happily married to the love of my life right now, I'd most likely be putting all my time and effort into pursuing and marrying Trader Joe.

has spent 3/4 of my son’s college fund trying to find a bottle he'll actually accept, to no avail. Of course, if he doesn't master the bottle thing, then he's probably not getting into college anyway...

Goals

Another high school friend of mine got married.
My roommate just got engaged
And even more friends of mine are talking about marriage. [trust me, i really like that they talk to me about it....i'm not jealous]
Three more high school friends are pregnant.
And one I just reconnected with has had THREE children already.

So, I think it's time to set some high and lofty goals for myself.

1. find a guy with a beard.
2. go on a date.

baby steps people.

Apply Within

This is not my ad....but I swear it could be:

Emotionally Unavailable Woman Seeking Emotionally Unavailable Man

Apply within.

Drummers

It's time I confess something to you all...I have a disease. And it's called drummers. Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me - I've looked into it. And I don't think there's a cure. But every guy I fall for is a freaking DRUMMER. And most of the time I don't even know it beforehand, after casually talking for a while he'll be like "oh, yeah, did I mention I'm a drummer?" It's not even funny anymore. And franky, some of them aren't even very good at it - but ALL OF THEM WILL BE DRUMMERS. My subconscious will know if a boy has a sense of rhythm and likes to hit things (not, like, people....you know what I mean)

I think it started in High School. The first boy I really liked, left me (didn't really LEAVE me...but he moved away) to go be a drummer in a band. Maybe that's what started it all. From then on all drummers became the unattainable - the inconsistent unreachable. I'm more of a chaser than a commit-er. And drummers are good to chase. Plus they make really great faces when they play - and I like laughing.

Shirtless

I honestly don't think my neighbor's own shirts.

I mean, maybe I should be the kind, generous neighbor that goes out and buys them some. Maybe they don't know where to get them? Or they can't afford them? It is really hot outside....will this behavior continue when CA cools down? I'm sure one or all of them are just allergic to cotton.

All of this shirtlessness would be FINE if they were ugly. Or didn't lift weights in their sleep. Every time I see them (yes, all of them...or maybe especially one in particular) I have to consciously remind myself to KEEP BREATHING and DON'T FALL OVER. It's a lot harder then it sounds.

Seriously. Someone just buy this guy a shirt. Or all of them. Or tell them that doing laundry or walking their dog or sitting out on the front lawn or walking out the front door to look up and down the street shouldn't really work up that much of a sweat that they need to take it off.

Love Fight

Note to self: Never go skydiving with someone who is in love with the same man you are.

Belgian Love Rival

Also....probably not the best way to win a guy. I am guessing guys aren't into girls who murder people. Well, most guys.

marriage

For some reason the other night I got really stressed because I felt like EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS MARRIED OR GETTING MARRIED!! I woke up like really concerned about it. So I made a list of all of my friends that are still single (like, REALLY single, not even dating anyone) - and the good news is that I came up with a little over 50. I am pretty sure I could have come up with more if I had really tried to think about it - but I didn't want to depress myself just in case it became really hard.

I even included previous boyfriends who have OBVIOUSLY not been lucky enough to find someone as great as me to settle down with ever since we broke up.

So, I feel much better now. Apparently the ENTIRE world is not married....just most of it.

spammed

I received this email message from a friend the other day - pretty sure she's been hacked - otherwise she forgot my name AND thinks that I got a Master's degree is something waaaaaaaaaaaaay different than theology...

----------------------
Hey Thea,

My co-worker was diagnosed with shingles. crazy, huh! is there anything he can put on the sores to make them less painful or itchy? should he take aspirin or something for the pain?

he has an HMO and he worries if he goes to his doctor that they'll just send him to a dermatologist or something. so i thought i would ask your thoughts

Thank you,

O

Turning left

I was riding my bike home after work being a very responsible citizen, abiding by the rules of the rode and even using by hand signals:























I was about to turn LEFT (so I looked much like the above picture....except not a male)

A car that was coming the opposite direction (that I was waiting for before I turned into my neighborhood) put their hand out the window right before they passed me and gave me a HIGH FIVE!

Hilarious. And bizarre.

Luckily I am so coordinated it did not knock me off my bike!

reaching out

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this sign. Too long, actually - because someone passed it along to me a little over a year ago. But I can't for the life of me figure out what it could really pertain to.

This was found outside the library at a small Christian college in Southern California.




















Now, there are several conclusions we could draw:

1. This is an activity for missionaries. It is hard to find a date - you are a loser that wants to go live in a hut overseas somewhere and eat bugs. The school is going to bring together other people like you and help you get to know one another so you can find a partner to marry and move overseas with.

2. The students at this Christian school are SO BUSY with their studies that they do not have time to traditionally date (and let's face it, that can be pretty scary anyway, and Joshua Harris would not even approve) so some missionaries got together to put on a social where the kids on campus could meet each other - quickly - and still have time to get back to the library before it closes.

3. The Christian liberal arts college has started admitting people of other faiths - and the Bible classes they offer aren't doing the trick of "converting" them like they thought they would. So, they've decided the sweet smiles of the other Christian kids on campus might do the trick. So what better way to convert someone than to date them, right? Also the best way to learn a new language!
"Want to be converted? Come to our missionary speed dating!"
OR
"Want to make a difference in your world without having to travel to another country? Come convert heathens right in your own campus library. Bring $20 or a bottle of wine....er....grape juice."

Okay, that's all I've got - what else could it mean???

The secret behind doing well in a triathalon

This story was submitted to me by a reader....enjoy!

--------------------

So, when I was in my younger 20's I told myself I was going to do a triathlon. It never happened, so I added to my resolution the phrase "by the time I am 30." As I was nearing in on my 30th birthday reality set in, that it was now time. I commenced training and signed up for my triathlon.

I awoke early in the morning, road my bike to the triathlon and searched for my area in the "Clydesdale" section of the transition area. (This is where you store your bike, and swimming equipment.) I was waiting around nervously, and began to talk to other competitors. Out of nowhere, one of the men next to me said, "take a look at that!" For the first time that morning, I realized that our transition row was next to the 25-29 year old women.

The gentleman proceeded to tell me that he was a 6'2", 260-pound biking machine. We were starting on his weakest area, which was the run. He let me know that his strategy was to follow, "that piece of ass" he just showed me. I asked what if that slowed him down instead of helped him finish with a better time. A new guy chimed in, "a good piece of ass makes it worth it." He said he loved being in the transition area because then he knew the exact age of the women he was "trolling." Classy.

As we step up to the starting line, I find our hero lined up behind his new stalkee, and didn't see him again until after the race was done. Presumably he finished a few seconds behind our victim. Now you know the secret lives of the "Clydesdale" division.

WORD VERIFICATION

I have had to add word verification to my blog. Although not COMPLETELY annoying, it is kind of tedious to have to figure out what those ghostly letters are and then copy them into the box below. I get rather annoyed having to do it on every blog I want to comment on.

But here's the deal. I feel super popular when I get about 39 comments a day all coming through my inbox for me to approve. But then I get immediately sad when NOT EVEN ONE of those comments is real. They all want to tell me about where to get a great pizza or find a good magic show. Ridiculous.

So, in an effort to both cut down on spam and boost my self esteem - I am going to make all of you real people out there type letters. It should really only effect one or two of you [sorry mom].

Tattoos

TO THIS DAY...I cannot walk into my tattoo parlor without getting extremely nervous, butterflies in my stomach, nauseous. I don't get it. I got my first tattoo four years ago and have since accumulated a total of three. I am by no means a self-canvas...but I shouldn't be afraid of the place when I know the guys in there fairly well and they recognize me when I walk in.

But I just feel so out of place still. I think I always will unless I can someday bring myself to get something a bit larger....or with color....or a picture.

Alas, that is today's confession.

Oh...and I got another tattoo :)

Justin Bieber

This was a conversation I had at my birthday party......we were about to get our dance on and someone had requested "Baby" by Justin Bieber. Did I mention that this mini-exchange took place with an 8 year old boy...

Yeti: "You LOVE Justin Bieber, don't you?"
8 year old Boy: "Noooooo, I just love his music."

Wow. Well, there you have it. a boy that can separate the artist from his music. If only girls were so smart.

Bike Helmets

I don't get hit on as much anymore these days. I think I have figured out why. I bike to work now.

Apparently it is either hard to catch me (cause, you know, I'm so FAST on my bike)!

...or the more likely reason....bike helmets are just apparently not all that attractive. I think it is really hard for the male mind to picture what the female under a helmet COULD look like. So they just don't trouble their mind to figure out if they're hot or not. The helmet is too much of a distraction.

I like biking to work.

Don't live here

I am looking for a new apartment. I don't want to...but circumstances may force me to move sometime within the next month.

I was taking a walk around a beautiful neighborhood on Monday with one of my besties, Lizzo, looking for "rent" signs. We came across one that looked like a pretty nice building. I called the number that was on the sign while Lizzo walked into the complex a bit to see if she could peak into some windows and get a better idea what it looked like. Just then a neighbor walked out of her front door.

Neighbor: "Excuse me, are you looking at the apartment that's for rent?"
Lizzo: "Yeah, we just saw the for lease sign and thought we would check it out."
Neighbor: "Oh no! You already signed the lease?"
Lizzo: "No, we just SAW the for lease sign. This is our first time over here."
Neighbor: "Oh good. Well, I probably shouldn't say anything. I could get fucked for this, but the landlords are like slumlords. They are terrible. They don't fix anything, and cheat you, and they totally shafted that guy when he moved out. I just thought I would warn you. DON'T MOVE HERE."
Lizzo: "Oh...um....okay. Thanks."

I guess it's good to meet the neighbors.

Rough Talk

A married friend of mine is standing outside a local community college waiting for her husband to pick her up. Some guy rolls up next to her in his car.

Random guy: "Hey baby, what you doin' tonight?"

Girl: "Waiting for my husband to pick me up."

Random guy: [brief pause] "Fuck you then, Bitch."

Yeti Airlines

Please, for your next trip....consider flying with me.

Judging interest

A good way to figure out if a guy is interested in you or not:

Casually figure out a way to meet some of his friends - if they say "oh, YOU'RE Yeti? blah blah blah"

That's either a really good sign or a really bad sign.

So....I guess you still won't really know if he's interested - but at LEAST you'll know he's talking about you.

You're welcome for the helpful advice.

I could not love Zach Galifianakis MORE

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Steve Carell from Between Two Ferns

Marmie

i like that no matter how long it's been
no matter how much our opinions start to differ
no matter how old i get
no matter how far apart we live

when something in life goes wrong.

...i always call my mom.

:)

How to Prevent Sexual Assault

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are committing a crime- no matter how "into it" others appear to be.

--Author Unknown.

unjust

you want to know why guys tend to feel all the pressure during dating? why they [typically] have to be the ones to initiate and ask a girl out?

BECAUSE THEY CAN FREAKING TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF WHENEVER THEY WANT.

man it is hot outside. and that is just unfair.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I just finished reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" - holyfreakingcow that is an amazing book! I can't decide if I want to watch the movie because I can only imagine how hard it will be to watch given how graphic, perverted and insane some of those scenes were.

But my point...

In honor of all the buzz around these books - and the new Hollywood version that is going to begin filming again, I thought I would re-post the story about our very own girl with the dragon tattoo. You might remember her from the Fall of 2008 - she got a lot of good reactions out of you readers. And those of you who jumped onto this blog after that time - we wouldn't want you to miss out!

Enjoy!!

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

marriage advice

Saw this little gem on my facebook earlier today....








I do not want to marry anyone that is friends with or related to that bottom guy....

listen to what i mean, not what i say

sometimes i am really good at saying things i don't mean.

...and then i am always surprised when people listen to me.

me

found HERE.

more poetry

a bit of poetry, by one of my heroes ladonna witmer.

she puts into words the very rhythms of my heart. if you love poetry at all, please buy her poetry book "The Secrets of Falling" - I've read it about 6789876543234567890 times - and it changes me a bit more every time.

The Tyranny of the Mirror

earth suit
Sometimes I forget how to lie
to myself
how to steely stare down
my mirror eye
and convince my reflection
she is good enough,
she is smart enough,
and goddammit, people
like her.

Some days I forget that what I see
doesn’t matter.
That what is housed invisibly within,
floating somewhere between bones and skin,
is more everlasting than its cage.

thick around the middle
I think about my body
every day.
Make lists
of unsatisfactory parts.
Measuring
with no joy
the increasing distance
between hands
spaced on either side
of my waist.

I remember when
muffin tops
were just delicious
and bore no correlation
to shame.

grande y bonita
For weeks now, the Mexican man
behind the counter at the Shell station
has been flirting.

He woos me with free fountain sodas
and appreciative stares.

Finally today he asks if I have a boyfriend
and shakes his head in dismay
when I reply.

“When I come to America, I dream
of meeting girl like you,”
he says, looking up to meet my eyes.
“Strong. Big. Beautiful.”

I blush and pay for my Diet Coke
and all the way home, wonder if “big”
can be construed to mean “tall.”

skinny jeans
The “Diet for Dummies”
costs $40 to download
and I pay the price
without blinking,
print out the menu
that reads “broiled halibut”
and “carrot sticks,”
dream of slimming body image
solutions while couching
in sweat pants, munching
white cheddar Cheez-Its.

cell memory
Just because you wear new skin
than you did 2,556 days ago
does not mean the old you
has been forgotten.

Cell memory gets passed down
from regeneration to regeneration.
The new cells are born with collective
knowledge and an inferiority complex.

What you focus on the most is remembered,
is held within muscles,
whispered from vein to vein.
Even the smallest of cells knows
exactly how much you hate yourself.

seven years of bad luck
Somehow the tyranny of the mirror
remains through the ages unbroken,
undiminished by intelligence
weight loss
and the compliments of lovers.

Seven years ago I thought I was fat,
posing for pictures with a cheek-pinching
smile, stomach sucked
concave. Now I see

what that girl never could,
that she was traffic-stopping,
jaw-dropping, heart-popping
gorgeous.

But standing sideways before the glass,
I think that seven years is a long time –
things grow. sag. wrinkle.
To find this woman beautiful,
I will need seven more.

*****

-Lo, whose bikini days are behind her.

cape

i should wear a cape more often.

Batman

"I went and saw The Dark Knight with this guy from church. I thought we were really hitting it off. Turns out we weren't."

Travel

"Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt, ever since I was sixteen years old and first went to Russia with my saved-up babysitting money, that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice. I am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as I have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves. I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless newborn baby - I just don't care what it puts me through. because I adore it. Because it's mind. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to - I just don't care."

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray Love.

Experiencing Culture

as i have said before, I am in Mexico right now. i thought i would share what i did today.

for lunch i ate at mcdonalds.

i got a cinnabon as a snack to enjoy at home while watching episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

after dinner we are going to watch "killers" at the theater in the mall.

it is just SO great to be able to experience such authentic mexican culture....

perm

i just saw a commercial that made me want to try a perm again.

what decade am i living in??

also, i am pretty sure all i need to do is look at those photos from when i was 9 to remember what a bad idea that was the first go around.

birth control

i am currently residing in an orphanage in mexico. with 35 precious perfectly behaved children.

THIS is what a call birth control people.

you thinking about babies? unprotected sex? come spend some time here...

found him!

i may have just fallen in love with the accordion play in a mariachi band.

drugs

"i could never marry tom cruise, cause i really like taking medication"

Besos

I've never understood the concept of making "kissing" noises when pulling up next to a car of attractive ladies.

Mi amiga Katie and I were driving back from escuela for siesta today. We had our windows down as we pulled up to a stop light. the men in the truck next to us all started leaning out the window and making kissing noises. we were able to avoid eye contact with them but their incessant noises were totally distracting to the conversation we were having.

i'm just curious if this method of picking up ladies has ever worked before. do ladies ever look out their window and say "wow, thanks, wanna grab a drink?"

resorting to facebook

As I recounted in my last post, I went out salsa dancing here in Mexico. It was quite different than the salsa scene in LA, that's for sure.

After dancing a few songs I came back to my table to find a strange man I did not know sitting in the chair next to mine. He started chatting with me - what a nice boy.

This was toward the end of our conversation:

Stranger: So, do you have an email address or facebook that I could write you at?
Yeti: Um....ah...I....uh....I have a facebook.
Stranger: Oh, that's good. I have one of those and I could look you up on there.
Yeti: Okay, that'll work.
Stranger: What is your name?
Yeti: [gives stranger my name....not excited about it, but I guess my email has my name too]
Stranger: Okay, I will go home tonight and find you and give you a friend request. My name is Alejandro [add 4 more names] so look for me.
Yeti: oooooooookay, will do. um....okay....bye?

I guess we owe it to facebook for giving us a way out of giving a guy our phone number or email address. Sure....he knows our last name, but at least he doesn't have immediate access to us.

mean face

I have, for a long time now, been in a debate with myself about whether I have a nice face or not. I don't mean good-looking - that's OBVIOUS - I just mean whether I look like a friendly and inviting person or not.

I am under the assumption that I am not. I have evidence to both back this up and disprove it.

Back it up: Salsa Dancing.

Every time I go out salsa dancing (for example, last night in Mexico) I rarely get asked to dance unless I know other people that are there. I think the guys look at me and think I look intimidating and mean (although, it also could have to do with the fact that I hate to wear make-up and dresses......) At any rate, the fact that I have a mean face makes it so I don't get asked to dance,

Disproof: Anytime I walk down a sidewalk

I generally don't mind looking like a mean person because it gets random strangers to leave me alone - especially of the male persuasion. However, I swear that more often than not I get stopped on the street when I am simply minding my own business to either be asked a question or get hit on. This I do not understand. I am trying to look mean and yet these men still talk to me?

Anyway, the verdict is still out.

the case for a husband

Yeti: "you girls have to help me keep coming up with my case for a husband posts. i came up with like two and then they sort of fell through. i am having a hard time coming up with any more"

Specca: "yeah, that's probably because guys are stupid and they don't call us back."

the kindle

Katie: "sometimes I wish I had a kindle - cause I brought like 10 books down here with me and they're so bulky to carry!"
Yeti: "you know, I don't like the kindle. I can't read on one of those things. But, I also just LOVE the feel of an actual book in my hands - actually flipping the pages, the thickness, being able to underline things."
Katie: "yeah, I get that."
Specca: "what is a kindle?"
Katie: "you've been living down here in Mexico too long."
Yeti: "seriously! are you KIDDING me? you don't even know what a kindle is?"
Specca: "i am serious - I hear kindle and i think of a fire....kindling."

in style

in style magazine is a joke.

first, i will admit that i hate it when someone tries to tell me how to dress. so i look like a boy sometimes and hate to wear dresses - i don't think i'm the first girl to ever feel this way. maybe the magazine was not such a good choice to pick up in the first place since STYLE is in the title. but ulta gave it to me for free....and i like free things.

BUT. the worst part of the magazine is their cover all about "how to look your best at affordable prices" or some baloney like that.

i don't really think i can remember seeing more than one or two things in that magazine under $100 or $200. WHAT AVERAGE WOMAN DO YOU KNOW FREQUENTLY BUYS T-SHIRTS OVER $100??? and don't even get me started on how much the shoes cost. then again, i get all by shoes second hand or buy them at DSW.

ridiculous. i'm not an episode of sex and the city.

you are of no use to me.

i don't care what the celebrities are wearing unless you can tell me where to find it at goodwill....

stalking

i may or may not have just spent the last half hour on the computer stalking a boy i just met. gotta find out if he's psycho [i do realize that by attempting to find out if he's psycho - i am, in fact, proving that i am psycho] it's a lose lose.

UNLESS you believe that stalking is the highest form of flattery, like i do.

and you just remember correctly what he's told you and what you learned from the internet.

which brings us to:

awkward situation #7
taking the time to stalk a boy, and then bringing something up in conversation that he in fact did not tell you about himself but you learned about him on the internet. oops.

World Cup

When people ask me if I am watching the World Cup I think that is a ridiculous question.

1. you have a good excuse to drink at 7 in the morning.

2. cute boys.



































do i really need a #3?

...now i just need to decide who to cheer for.

Doesn't matter if you put a ring on it

Hello weird man that's too friendly and can't take social cues.

Insert Yeti at an outdoor BBQ. She is wearing a ring on her left ring finger because she can and she doesn't need to explain it to all of you. Sure, it is an unassuming ring, but it's not hard to see...






















Boy walks up to Yeti...

Boy: So, you go to school here?
Yeti: Yeah. I work with the party boy
Boy: Cool. Cool. So, do you live around here?
Yeti: Yeah, I live right by [insert obvious landmark]
Boy: Oh wow, so not too far from me at all. So, are you..........really married?
Yeti: Um....guess not.
Boy: Cool. [said as walking away from me]

A girl can't even get a guy to leave her alone by wearing a ring. Sigh.

Boys will be girls

Thank you to LIZZO for sharing this with me. My friends and I really do act like this - not an exaggeration at all.

bagpipe show

i play bagpipes, you all know this.

there is this little hill that i go up to to practice. it is off a little hiking trail and away from all the people so that
1. i do not bug people (i know it is hard to believe, but not everyone likes the sound of bagpipes)
2. people do not bug me.

this plan was working so well for months and months until just last week.

i was in the middle of my rehersal when this father and son came up the hill....yelling:

father: we're here! we're here! we heard the call and we came to fight!!
yeti: uhh...haah...uhh. what?
father: those are amazing. wow. are you just up here practicing? what's going on? how long have you played? are those yours? what are you playing?
yeti: what?
father: you know, when he was young [points to son] whenever he went down for a nap we used to say "piper down!!" isn't that hilarious?
yeti: what?

i try to just continue playing. hoping that they will move along on their hike. but they did not.
after every song i played they clapped - whether i finished it or not. it was the most awkward thing ever! who claps when someone is just practicing an instrument? and just sits down next to them for a half hour, especially after this little conversation:

father: so, why do you come all the way out here?
yeti: mainly to get away from people
father: ahhh, nice. good idea

and yet...he stays.

i finally give up, pack up the pipes and head on home. they were very disappointed to see me go and clapped me whole walk down the hill. i am really not that good so they must have awful taste in music. i don't mind...it was just awkward.

i told my piping instructor what had happened and he said the key is to just KEEP PLAYING and ever stop - thus never giving them the space to clap or comment. brilliant idea, only...i'm not that good and don't have that kind of lung capacity. so, something to aspire to, i guess.

you called me a what?

i love "the office" i really do, it's hilarious. and pam might even be one of my favorite characters.

but i really hate it when people call me a receptionist.

i know a lot of you don't know me so before i go on with this story, for the record, i am NOT a receptionist. i work in higher education with a doctoral program.

student walks into the office with his wife. he's just graduated so he is really excited wanting to show her the campus and all the people he's interacted with over the last 7 years.

student: hey honey, this is yeti, she's the receptionist. BUT, she still knows everything around here.
wife: well, i'd imagine, any good receptionist would!
yeti: [don't punch them, don't punch them, don't punch them]
wife: say, you should get a picture with yeti! since she's been so good at answering all your questions.

oh joy, just what i want to do. take a picture with some man i barely remember that just insulted me. so, hopefully some of you are friends with him on facebook and can look for that caption "the nice receptionist where i went to school"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE???

just because i graduated doesn't mean you need to ask me what i am going to do with my life...if i knew i'd be doing it. and once i know i'll just start doing it so you don't need to keep asking.
side note: finding a sugar daddy is a lot harder than i thought it was going to be....

Explaining by Absence

So, I have not been here, writing or anything in quite a while.But that is because I had the worst class of my LIFE this last quarter. Seriously, terrible. I think the professor actually hates students, which then makes one wonder why they ever decided to teach them in the first place...and to top that all off he decided to assign us EIGHT (8!!) papers.

But, enough complaining, because the point of all of this is I AM DONE WITH GRADUATE SCHOOL. I turned my last paper in this morning. I get to walk across the big stage where the Dean says my name declaring I AM A MASTER. I'm not a master of anything helpful or anything that will make you money in this world...but a MASTER nonetheless.

What am I going to do with my life? you ask. Not quite sure of that yet. Right now I am going to focus on figuring out what the heck just happened to me these last five years, taking a deep breath and finding my wings again. And then hopefully I'll just move overseas somewhere exotic.

Hopefully I'll even jump on here a bit more often to bring you with me along this journey (even the steps that don't involve ridiculous boys)

The negatives

I was once talking to my father about how my evangelical upbringing ruined dating for me. I feel guilty and manipulative if I date someone I am not certain I want to marry someday. But the only reason I am uncertain is because of all the negatives I pick at. Why do the negatives always stand out so much more than the positives?

My father proceeded to tell me to take a blank sheet of paper and make a list of all of the weaknesses the boy had. Then on the other side of the paper I was to make a list of all the weaknesses I would RATHER him have.

This was actually quite a helpful exercise. Because there are no other weakness you would rather them have – and no one is going to be perfect. Maybe I have it pretty good if the only weakness is telling dumb jokes and liking different music than I do (OF COURSE there are more…but I am not going to share those with YOU).

And don’t try and make a list about yourself – because you’ll just get overwhelmed with where you fall short and add “crazy” to your significant other’s list because you can’t understand why they decided to date you!

Time and Money

have i ever told you all how much i hate dating? seriously. i often dream about just waking up married one day. dating is torture. it is awkward, takes a lot of time and is often stressful (maybe i have not been dating the most amazing men ever....)

anyway, a friend of mine sent me this article that says the average woman dates 24 men before she finds the right one...and also spends around $3000!! this article stresses me out because i am pretty sure i am on number 3 or something so i have forever to go....

In the study, 7 percent of women surveyed went on 41 to 60 dates before finding someone to share their life with.
And 1 percent of women said they had been on 61 to 80 dates before finding someone suitable.
The research also revealed that despite the amount spent on each date, a third of women have left halfway through after realizing they had met "Mr. Wrong."
One in four women will meet a man just once before deciding whether or not he is "the one," according to the research.
Thirty-five percent will give a man two dates, and 16 percent make their decision after three dates.

check out the full article HERE.

Reader Question

Here is the reader question of the day:

What happens when you go out with a guy (or girl) who is really great, but a terrible kisser... do you decide to try to teach him how to be a good kisser or do you just not go out with him again??

Die Roadrunner

Beware what you text

THIS JUST IN....news alert!! The BBC has come out with a report on how dangerous it is to send "sexy texts" - and you thought you had it difficult. Read the news story below:

Dubai jails Indian pair for 'sexy texts'

Steamy text messages have resulted in a three-month jail sentence for a Indian man and an Indian woman in Dubai.

Judges ruled that they had planned to "commit sin", a reference to an extramarital affair - which is illegal in the United Arab Emirates.

The unnamed pair, aged 47 and 42, were working as cabin crew for Dubai's Emirates airline.

Their "sexy texts" first surfaced last year, in a divorce lawsuit by the woman's estranged husband.

Crimes of passion

The Indian pair were originally sentenced to six months in jail, followed by deportation.

But an appeals court reduced the term and gave them the option to remain in the country.

The court said there was not enough evidence to determine whether the man and the woman had actually had an affair, which could have brought a harsher sentence.

This is the latest in a series of cases where foreigners have been found to have broken Dubai's conservative laws.

Earlier this week, a British couple said they would appeal a one-month jail sentence for exchanging a passionate kiss in a restaurant.

In 2008, two Britons were sentenced to three months in jail for what authorities described as sex on the beach. The sentences were later suspended.

E-U-C...crap

errands

continuing the case for a husband. and i guess since we went back to ground zero I have to start over at one again so...here we go:

#1: someone to run out and get you more medicine and lunch when you're not feeling well.

Dignity please, isle 4

I got this email, a while ago. and it STILL makes no sense to me. but it makes me sad because i think a lot of girls are like this. please women, have some self-respect. if you read this and relate to it, something in your life needs to change.
-------------------

MY secret is I love #### and I believe we should be together. Which may have been obvious, as I'm sure as much as I try not to get all "sparkle-eyed" around him, I SO DO. He is a nice guy, does like me quite a bit and doesn't mind hanging out with me...but on the other hand he makes NO secret of the fact that he thinks I am completely unsuitable for him, does not like many things about me, and will NEVER introduce me to his family. I appreciate honesty as much as the next girl but...OUCH.
Now I'm a strong girl and also quite awesome and I deserve someone who thinks better of me than THAT, so breaking up with him seemed the right choice. And I DID...until I saw him again, on which occasion I forgave him everything. Because duh, I LOVE HIM. But also, duh, HIS OPINIONS OF ME ARE THE SAME. Now I don't want to be miserable, nor have him dump me when he finds a 'real girlfriend', so I have GOT to be stronger, break up as friends, and not go to him no matter how much I want to!
I hate the thought that I won't be with him, but don't tell him that. He and I talk often because, really, we are awesome together and I love to encourage and support him. I would say he is definitely my friend and though right now I have no interest in being with anyone else, maybe in time I can move on and then he and I can see each other as just friends.