Honeymoon is over horserace

Note to reader: This video is hilarious. It also contains inappropriate language. Please be careful about where you watch it and who is present. Enjoy!


The teller

The other day I was running an errand for a friend – this involved depositing a check in a bank which was not my own. I walked into the bank hoping this would not be an issue and thus a very short errand in my busy afternoon.

Having gathered the essential details regarding the transaction I approached the [young and quite attractive African-American] teller.

Yeti: I am really hoping you can help me with this
Teller: What do we have here?
Yeti: You see, I am not actually a member of your bank, but I need to make a deposit for someone else.
Teller: Well, I am sure I can help a pretty girl like you out [wink]
Yeti: [smile] Thank you.
Teller: Why is it YOU aren’t a member of this bank?
Yeti: Because I already have a bank?
Teller: That's a shame. With the all the financial crisis that is going on as of late are you sure they are going to take care of you and last for the long run? Because we are one of the strongest banks around today and a really good bank to be at.
Yeti: Really? Is the bank good to its employees as well?
Teller: Oh yes, I love working here. And if you joined this bank I would personally be sure to take good care of you [wink]
Yeti: Well, that’s very nice – but I think I will have to stick with my bank for just now. But I'll will be sure to let you know if I change my mind.
Teller: You do that. You’re deposit is all taken care of. You have a good day and come back and see me soon when you change your mind [wink].


Can you catch the yeti?

I seriously just found this...must have been made for my blog [note: I hope my yeti is actually more attractive than this photo]


A Mesh Confession

FACT: I have found something I detest even more than v-necks….

Mesh shirts.

If I can see your nipples through your shirt that is not OK.
I have never understood this concept –do you think this is sexy? Do you think we women like nipples as much as you men do?

At least this boy is sporting a nice cross...

They totally make you look stronger.

And who WOULDN'T want to go dancing with THAT?

Let me set the record straight. We enjoy the mystery a solid thick t-shirt provides, that's what we like.


The dreaded dragon

A friend of mine was out the other day on an obligatory, “I live in California so when you visit I have to be your faux tour guide.” (if you’re from the mid-west you’ll understand). After dinner at a local restaurant the waitress continued to flirt, coaxing him into dessert and at least ten more minutes in her presence. Everyone thought she was good-looking and seemed to have a pretty fun and easy-going personality. By the urging of his out-of-town guest he initiated with this woman. He wrote his number on a napkin (pretty weak he admits) hoping the pathetic attempt to win her over might somehow dissuade any dates, but this dragon already had its claws in him.

The girl called him the very next day, witty in her response that she was "just calling the long list of numbers she got from the night before." Impressed, they planned a time to go out and grab some tea. They had pretty good conversation and ended up back at his place to hang out for a bit longer. Brief conversation and a little music the night was going pretty swell for both parties.

When sleep began to take over and his eyelids got heavy, he took a quick trip to restroom. When he came back he found the girl in his bedroom, unpacking several small items into his room.

Dragon: "So, where do I sleep, the right or the left?"
Chapman: "um…the right or the left, at your house?"

She proceeded to remove a night bag and a large book.

Dragon: "This is what we can read to each other at nights"
Chapman: "Um, no, cause you AREN'T staying here."

Chapman then excuses himself to go check something for his roommate, currently traveling for work. When he returns to the bedroom he finds that his current guest has taken off her shirt, bra and MOST of her rings and laid herself out across his bed. Why not all jewelry you might ask? Well to his both shock and intrigue a glimmer of light caught his eye, but when he looked for the source of the reflection, all he found were two pierced nipples with remarkably polished rings through each. To continue to unravel the mystery that can sometimes lie beneath the surface of clothes, she had a crazy-ass tattoo of a dragon beginning from the inner thigh of her left leg (that's the tail) up across her back around her neck to finish with it, the dragon, eating her right breast.

Taken-aback the current presentation of art across his bed he immediately found a blanket and covered her naked body and called a cab… okay, maybe that was my advice to him—Chapman proceeded to as he puts it, “Appreciate the art that someone had worked a lifetime on.” and made-out with his new found friend for several hours. [I guess…boys will be boys?]

After convincing her she still was not spending the night and neither was her book, she packed up her things and he drove her home… but somehow the book was missed and did end up spending the night.

Two more dates followed, each with similar results yet each with increasingly crazier conversations about her past lives (yes, lives) of being a warrior that enjoyed killing for conquest and the possibility of maybe having been a dragon [yeah, we didn't get it either]. Chapman decided things just weren’t working out. But, deciding he must do the decent thing he arranges to meet up with her one more time to let her know that he doesn't think it will work out between the two of them.

He made the mistake of agreeing to meet at a bar unfamiliar to him. He enters the bar to find it weighted with a ratio of two girls to around fifty BIG BIKER dudes. Immediately out of place in his work attire everyone turns recognizing the new comer, and to his surprise, why he was there. Dragon proceeds to introduce him to ALL her friends, not one under two hundred pounds, each with tattoos that put her mild full back/leg/breast tattoo to shame.

He then takes her to a quiet section of the bar to rip that band-aid off quick and painless. When he removed the BOOK from his back pocket Dragon saw what was coming and took a preemptive strike. With four shots of tequila already in the tank, she let out these dreaded words, “Was I not everything to you? And now you hurt me like this!”

Every head in the bar turned in unison, even the bartender tried to urge my friend, with his eyes, to run. But unafraid or just plain stupid, Chapman tried with a few words to bring reason back into the chaos that was ready to explode. She listened for approximately forty seconds until an earthquake detectable only to those with several ounces of alcohol pumping through their veins could feel. She suddenly fell flat on her face. The bar started to tremble with the weight of fifty men standing and bar stools sliding across the floor.

With hands up to show he had no part in her dance with gravity, my friend quickly realized this looked even worse and grabbed the immobilized women, propping her up against the dart board. Shutting his eyes and bracing for the impact of a pool stick, fist, or bottle, he waited. Slowly opening his eyes, he turned to see that the bar seemed more impressed that she had knocked herself out two seconds beforehand and was now conscious and screaming at Chapman again.

Chapman took the opportunity to physically run as fast as his leather sole shoes could carry him, out the door, across the street and down several blocks… even though his car was only a block from the bar.

Catching his breath, retrieving his car and making it home, without his dignity, he went to sleep.

The next morning he wakes to 10 text messages calling him every name in every book [remember: only three dates, no “I love you’s” exchanged, and certainly no sex or even third-base… he wants this said so you really understand his story]

He goes to work without response. By lunch, another dozen text messages have come in, asking for forgiveness, explaining that she doesn’t even remember the night, let alone what she may have said.

He remains unresponsive. That night he wakes to a text message every thirty minutes, each progressively more insane, “You were wrong about me, DEAD wrong.”

Realizing for the first time that his house and room were known to her, for the first time since a full-blown stalker in 10th grade did he fear for his life.

The proceeding NINE days he received a total of 144 text messages until finally either her phone broke or she found a new home for her book…

Needless to say, this incident showed my friend two things; 1 – never break-up with someone in an unfamiliar location! 2 – If your out-of-town guests ever urge you into asking someone out, DON’T, they will board a plane and fly far, far away and you will be stuck reading 144 text messages fearing for your life.


So many expectations

It has been a while since I have shared a winner from eHarmony...let's have another shall we?

I had a boy once request communication with me and this is what he was looking for:

"I am looking for commonalities in background and values. Someone who is a a Evangelical Christian and conservative Republican. Grounded in faith, active in ministry, with a heart for evangelism. Open to teaching Sunday School, interested in short-term foreign missions. Strong convictions, believes in a real right and wrong, knows actions have consequences. Godly character, honest, industrious, tither. Wants to be a stay-at-home mom. Intelligent, curious and eager to learn, reads and asks questions. Isn't independent, but is inter-dependent, seeks counsel and recognizes that life is a team sport."

Umm, no thank you [and not just because of your grammar].


Reality vs. Media

So here is a Monday morning question for you – as I am sure many of you watched movies over the weekend to cool you mind from your many strenuous weekly activities.

Do you think guys hate being cast in roles that depict them as bad at sex? Cause let’s be honest, sometimes girls are bad at separating reality from television and movies…do you think it hurts their game?


Don't call me baby

So, I went salsa dancing again the other weekend (I know, I know, I am so unpredictable!). I saw my DJ friend who tried once again to woo me with his great pick-up lines. I think he had downed a couple beers because he was extra flirty, even more than usual. His parents were there that evening so his dad as working the DJ table which freed him up to lounge with Erika and me at our table. [thank God, right?]

Let’s see if I can relay some of my favorite quotes from the evening [and I apologize that I do not know how to insert voice clips in here because my impersonation of this guy is UNCANNY]:

Lonely: Baby, come on and sit here closer to me [pats his hand on the couch next to him and winks].

Lonely: Baby, you so sexy, I just love the way you dance [um…note to reader: I dance like a little white girl]

Lonely: Baby you smell so good. What is that?
Yeti: I don’t really know. I don’t wear any special perfume or anything.
Lonely: Maybe it is your sweat.

Lonely: I was talking to your friend and I told her I would bring my brother here next week.
Yeti: Really? Is your brother a nice guy?
Lonely: Yeah, I think they would really get along great. I told her I would hook her up with my brother if she hooked me up with her friend [wink]
Yeti: Ha…Ha…Ha…

Lonely: Baby, why don’t you ever call me back when I call you?
Yeti: um…you didn’t leave a message, I didn’t think it was important
[note to reader: the REASON he has my number is because he is the one I have to text in order to get on the guest list for free entry to salsa…please, I am a poor graduate student, you really think I am going to pay every week??]

And, yes, he really did call me baby that many times [and probably even more] – I definitely hate that word now.


Awkward situation

#2: having to go pee when you are on the phone with a love interest

do you hold it?
what if you can't? do you let it out slowly? or is fast better?
do you try and hold your hand over the phone so they can't hear?
do you flush and run out of the bathroom quick? maybe just save the flush for later?

or do you just say "what's the big deal?" and own it. i mean, we all pee don't we?


What if you are on eharmony and you get hooked up with a celebrity's ex husband whose been on dr. keith to talk about the divorce?

I have a friend that is on eHarmony (who isn’t, let’s be honest). She was matched with this real attractive man, 90210, that seemed pretty great and actually looked vaguely familiar. She exchanged questions with him and made it to open communication. They grabbed a meal together and all things considered had a pretty enjoyable time. She knew from his profile that he was divorced, but was still willing to feel things out because he seemed like a pretty neat guy and was funny [funny is key].

She was comparing profiles with a good friend of hers and when 90210’s came up her friend squealed “I KNOW HIM!” She had apparently met him at the church she attends [bonus points for him that he actually attends church].

Turns out, the reason he looked so familiar to her and why her friend had seem him at church before was because he was married to someone famous. She is a name ALL of you would recognize, I'm not going to actually tell you her name, but it rhymes with Sori Telling.

After finding out who he was (and who he was married to) she looked him up online: google, youtube, everything else imaginable. The problem is, she actually found him on all these things, including a clip on Dr. Keith – I am not kidding. TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

I guess this is why you don’t marry celebrities – or maybe why you google people before you go out with them [don’t lie, you know you all do it].


Getting advice from a love interest

From experience and observation I have come to this conclusion: It is a bad idea to go to a guy with your relationship woe's, especially if you have any sort of history or the possibility of a future with him. And it goes both ways. I mean, what are we REALLY trying to achieve?

I have a male friend that just went through this very situation and he puts it like this: It is not just that we have already talked about these issues [granted, it was in dealing with ourselves] it is that I don't feel comfortable being "here" and I don't want to deal with her dating or interest in guys when we have already had to deal with the oddness of our own relationship.

And let’s be honest, too much of the time that oddness is something that is left unspoken, a rift in the relationship that you rarely address. You simply let the sexual tension build and allow this person to stand in as your “substitute” until a suitable mate comes along.

But I think maybe girls and guys are sending different messages when they try to communicate about their relational woes with someone they have been or are potentially interested in:

Girls are trying to say: look, guys are interested in me, I’ve been asked out four times in the last two weeks, that should tell you something, why aren’t YOU asking me out? Or, I trust you, that’s why I am telling you these things about my past relationships, ask me out so we can do things differently, I know you wouldn’t treat me like these other guys. But unfortunately guys read it as "I have these other guys, I don't need you. Don't be interested in me"

I don’t really know if I can speak to what I think guys are trying to get at when they talk to girls about their relational woes – perhaps you can all shed light on that for me. I have been confused one too many times when this has happened in my own life. I can only let you know that when a guy does this, a girl tends to interpret it as “I trust you and I want to let you in on this part of my life” – and we think that if we listens JUST long enough and gives the right advice or says the right thing – he’ll FINALLY realize he’s actually in love with US not the dumb girl he’s been discussing.


Dimitri the Stud

Along with the many things I am thankful for this year...I am thankful I am not Olga and I did not give my number to this man [sorry for the cheesy, non-existent, video]


I'm not creepy

“I’m really not creepy, I promise”
There are so many things wrong with this phrase. First, there’s whatever incident prompted you to have to say this.

Second, if you have to tell someone that you are not creepy…it probably means that you are. You aren’t convincing us anymore by telling us. That’s like saying “here kid, eat this candy.”

Don’t be creepy in the first place. If you’re getting yourself into situations where you have to convince people of your normalcy, there’s something wrong.


Mad TV is sadly not far off

I would not have done as well as this girl...
"the back of your head is ridiculous" - I can't resist that line!

Thanks, Leann for the video :)



Giving someone a chance

The last poll asked “If you are pretty sure you aren't interested in someone, should you still give him or her at least one date?” This has been a question I have debated myself for quite some time.

58% of you said Yes
33% of you said No
And…thank you to the 4 of you (7%) who chose my “it depends on how rich they are” option.

I am going to have to say I am with the 33% that said no. And this is only because of past experience. Let me make my argument:

I had a friend in college once tell me that I should give every guy that asked me out at least one chance – unless, of course, he was psycho or something. When he first shared this with me I thought it made sense. I mean, sometimes you don’t really know a person just from class, group hangouts, the club, a bar, Sunday morning, etc. and they could be different in a one-on-one context. However, the more and more I thought about it I did not really like his philosophy, at least for my personality.

One date feels like a foot in the door to me. If I give a guy one date it just makes it harder for me to let him know that I am not interested in him and would have no desire to make babies with him in the future. Maybe this is just my personality – I, quite often, have a really good time on a date even if I am feeling no chemicals with that person. So I can be completely authentic in saying “I had a really great time with you tonight” and even think to myself it would be great to hang out with them again, but be coming from a completely different place than them. I guess I just hate having that “…just so you know, I’m not interested in you. But let’s me friends, OK?” It would almost just be better if we didn’t go out in the first place if I was not romantically intrigued. Guys aren’t really interested in being your friend at this stage in the game they have enough friends.

That being said: if I have gone out with you that does not necessarily mean I am into you and have a desire to hold or be held by you. Sometimes I am just bad at saying no. We girls are never very easy to figure out, are we?

But say you give it that first date, that one shot to see if they can sway you: where do you go from there? Where do you draw the line on how much face-time you will give them to persuade you to fall for them? And maybe I am still idealistic but I kind of want a guy interested in and wanting me before I have to spend time convincing him on a date.

Maybe the four that picked the “it depends on how rich they are” option were on to something. Just being willing to go out with them is not the answer, but let’s not shoot them down so soon – I mean, they could have SOMETHING to offer ;-)


Welcome to the World Jet!

How LUCKY am I that another very special couple in my life brought this precious boy into the world?? Mark and Jeanette are seriously off the charts when it comes to cool and this little kiddo is going to be a heart-breaker!

Jude Everett Travis Maines entered this world at 9:33am on September 1st. He weighs 7.65 pounds and is 21.75 inches long.

Welcome to the world Jet - I love you and am sure the reason you screamed so loud when I held you is because you were THAT excited!


Awkward situation

#1: Sitting in a movie with a really intense and/or graphic sex scene with a guy or girl you like.

You both know you're thinking it.
This is ESPECIALLY awkward if you are on a first date.
**cough, cough
**adjust [squirm] in my seat (or try not to move at all)
**Stare straight ahead

[tension is building, neither pair knows what to say, guy racks his brain for any sort of witty statement to ease the pressure]
Boy: "I sure hope that car wash was heated otherwise this scene must have been awful to shoot."
Girl: "ha...ha...ha" [girl fake laughs at stupid comment to pretend she is not phased by the scene]


For those who love michael phelps

Happy Labor Day.

How Michael Phelps came to be:

Thanks to Dodi for passing this along.