9.02.2011

The Case for a Husband #3

someone to put suntan lotion on your back so you don't burn in strange ways.

someone to scratch your back so you don't dislocate your shoulder.

someone to ride in the car with you so you can take the carpool lane.

someone to blame when you don't want to go out "oh, shoot! i really want to but HE wants to stay in tonight, sorry!"

someone to start brewing the coffee before you get out of bed.

someone to kill the spiders.

someone to take out the trash.

someone to screen your calls.

...i might actually need an assistant not a husband.

9.01.2011

Learning to ask for phone numbers


Setting the scene:
A neighborhood Starbucks.
Corner table.
A beautiful girl with deliciously long golden brown hair sits reading.
An attractive man strikes up a conversation with her as he grabs a seat at the table next to hers.
After a few minutes she asks him to watch her stuff while she goes to the bathroom.
Boy waits an entire 43 seconds before grabbing her cell phone.
When she gets back she discovers that he has called his phone from hers in order to get her number…and she caught him!

This is why we lock our phones people.

Also…he probably could have just asked!!...he was hot.

**This story is, unfortunately, not about me. It’s been a long time since my phone was stolen. I need to leave it lying around more often. In fact, the last time I felt it sitting on a table when I went to the bathroom a MARRIED guy took it and tried to steal my number out of it – completely innocent I am sure…but still creepy.

8.10.2011

Bone Marrow Anyone?


So, I went out with a beau for about four something months and then we broke up.

So now I am back online.

And boy do I know how to pick ‘em. Seriously – it is a spiritual gift. I might start offering my service to others. 

Date last week:

Met Eric (*not his real name!) on okCupid. He’s super cute, really nice and insanely intense and weird. 

We met at a wine bar near USC. It had a really cool vibe and delicious food. The conversation flowed like sandpaper on a piece of rough wood. I brought out every bit of extrovert there was in me.

Throughout the meal he would every so often reach over and pinch my nose. PINCH. Like he thought he was so cute and tender. *PINCH. 

Weird.

I have real long hair at the moment and was wearing it down all nice and shiny and straight. Maybe it was getting in the food or maybe I played with it too much…regardless he kept reaching over to put it behind my ear. But I didn’t want it behind my ear so I would tell him to STOP IT and then move it back again. Then he would put it back again and swipe it behind my shoulder. It was a very frustrating game that I was losing and I didn’t even want to be playing.

Then he asked to see the tattoo I have on my hand and began caressing it gently and weirdly. I felt like turning into my mother at that moment and saying: LOOK BUT DO NOT TOUCH!

And the last straw (before it got even more awkward) was when he tried to start feeding me….BONE MARROW. That’s right. He ordered us bone marrow which was pretty weird to begin with but I ate it because I am adventurous and a good sport. It was not terrible, but it was weird. But I could not handle it when he started feeding it too me. I grabbed the piece of bread dipped in the innards of a dead cow and fed it to myself thankyouverymuch….

We asked for the check – left the restaurant and walked awkwardly down the street. He stopped and asked if I would like to come over to his place.

Um…no.

I began to thank him for the evening because for me it was clearly over. As I went in to politely give him a hug I had to do a little dance with my head to avoid his lips. He pulled me back by my shoulders and said “may I?” 

Yeti: “no…I don’t think so”

Eric: “okay…but…we’ll just try”

Yeti: “um…no. no we won’t”

It was awkward. I walked away laughing. Three days later he texted me apologizing for pushing me and asked me out again – I said no thank you because I didn’t see it going anywhere and he replied “sorry if I didn’t make it clear but I am looking for a relationship”

So now I’m confused – but at least he hasn’t called again. 

Also, I don’t ever want to eat bone marrow again.

7.13.2011

BLT

Nothing says love like a BLT. Seriously. If you like it then you should put bacon on it.

6.17.2011

Losers

"so i was thinking about my horrible choice in guys, and i was thinking that you should write a blog about your friend who always chooses the worst guys, and then end it with something along the lines of: i don't know who should be more embarrassed: my friend for having such bad taste in guys, or the guys she chooses for....their existence."

5.13.2011

raptured

please be ready....to be raptured (OR NOT!!!) on may 21st.
and call THIS GUY if you want to be responsible and not leave a mess for some other sinner to clean up.

5.11.2011

cravings

Girlfriend: "ugh, it's not the right time of the month for me to be craving pizza with toasted mac and cheese on top!"

5.05.2011

The Dunphy's Yo

Has anyone noticed that every single one of their friends identifies with the Dunphy's on "Modern Family"? Seriously. Every Wednesday night America sits down to laugh until their guts hurt - and afterward share their favorite quotes or scenes via twitter or facebook....and the most common thread I see are my male friends "confessing" that THEY ARE SO PHIL!! or married couples laughing about how much Phil and Clair resembled them in that evenings episode.

"Modern Family" has certainly created a show that has resonated with much of America...no matter what stage of life we are in. But where at the Cam's, Mitchell's, Gloria's and Jay's of the world? I never see them self diagnosing on the world wide web.

But, seriously, I am totally like Clair. And I really hope someday I marry Phil.

5.04.2011

Divided by Homosexuality

A friend of mine recently posted a status update on facebook that stated, “can you have gay friends but not accept gay marriage and gay adoption rights?” I thought it was a great question; it really got me thinking in light of the conversation on homosexuality that took place at Fuller Seminary a few weeks ago.
Ultimately, truth begets action. You have to contemplate that if you say that you do not affirm gay marriage/adoption/equality, etc. and yet you believe that God is love and was an advocate of sinners, the oppressed, the vulnerable, no matter their status, orientation, ethnicity, etc. then I think you really have to ask yourself if you are living into this truth that you proclaim. Because either you have to affirm your homosexual friends – or you don’t really believe that God is unconditional love. The truth of God’s love requires the action of inclusion, embrace and affirmation.
I realize I have not written this in a way that seems very open to dialogue or the other side of the argument….but I am having a hard time seeing the other side anymore. 
Rev. Ken Fong ended the conversation on Homosexuality at Fuller Seminary by quoting a homosexual congregant of his who said, “trust that the same holy spirit that leads and guides you in your life will lead and guide me in mine.”
No matter where you stand on this issue – it is a difficult one that we must all address within our own ministry contexts. Everyone struggles with this issue – whether they are a homosexual, the parent of one, the pastor of one, the co-worker of one or friends. Be open to dialogue and encourage others around you to realize that our idea of who God is and how God relates to us determines our inclusivity – and we need to keep that in constant check.

4.07.2011

i think i'm attractive so you should pay me

this website is ridiculous.

i can't decide if the whole concept is offensive. or if it's just the fact that they decide to call their two categories of users "attractive" and "generous"

generous?

you think i am going to sign up on a website, make a dating profile, and then advertise that i am willing to pay some attractive man $150 to go out on a date with me? that's not generous....that's DESPERATE.

how about calling that category "eharmony, match, okcupid and plentyoffish didn't work for me...and apparently the other people on here are unemployed so they'll take my money"

being attractive has finally become a decent side job! they've found a way of making a socially acceptable escort service.

here are the rules, in case you want to join:
* DO NOT pay or ask anyone for payment prior to meeting for a date
* If someone asks you to send money by Western Union, report them immediately
* "Generous" members are expected to pay for the date (there's no going dutch here)
* Our advice: Pay 50% of the date at the start of the date, and 50% at the end
* DO NOT accept personal checks or cashier's checks - there's just too much fraud
* CASH is king, and pay only when you meet your date in person

Find out more HERE. Sign up! You've always known you were attractive...let's see how hot you REALLY are.      

4.04.2011

lunch break

A co-worker and I walked down to a local sex shop during our lunch break. You see, his brother is getting married in just a couple weeks and he needed some fun little gifts. And, ironically (or maybe not so ironically) I knew of a shop in the area. I will blame this on one of my best friends getting married last summer, being a bridesmaid, blah blah blah. I digress.

This shop is just terrible. I can't hardly believe they are still in business or sell 95% of the merchandise they have in there. But we were able to pick up a couple of things. One being some DICE! That's right...dice. We American's really know how to spice things up in the bedroom. The package contains three die. One has body parts, one has an action, and the third has a place.

If you are lucky enough, when rolled, you could end up: stroking- toes - in the closet.

raunchy.

3.31.2011

all the girlfriend - none of the fuss

a friend of mine just made me aware of THIS great deal:



him "it's all the virtual social benefits of having a girlfriend without the cost, the hard work or the sex"
yeti: "lucky you! no sex!"
him: "too tiring anyway what a waste of time when you can be tweeting with her."

don't worry - he's kidding. but what are the guys who actually sign up for this thinking? oh wait, nevermind - that's what we are ALL looking for - the perfect long distance relationship.

3.07.2011

stupidity

dating is really fun. and i even think it helps you get to know yourself better.. but the funny thing is this: when you start dating a really nice guy, you feel really stupid. let me explain.

i have started dating a really nice guy. and when i started dating him it made me think about all of my previous relationships in retrospect, and i just started feeling stupid. to think about the boys that i have dated before - all of the mind games and the mystery i thought i had to keep and the questioning about how compatible we might be...to think about how many bands i suffered through and faked an interest in, how many times i pretend to like ice cream, the political conversations I barely made it through in an attempt to sound intelligent or like I cared, and the amount of times i justified weird habits like pretending i didn't bug me that there was spongebob paraphernalia all over the house or vampire fangs were cool and living with your parents is normal...

with this guy it is just so easy. it makes sense. he is so clear and straight forward and fun. we have actual SHARED interests. i realized that relationships don't have to be complicated. they can feel right and just click. it might all come crashing down in flames...who am i to say - i've never gotten it right before. but at least it's not miserable in the meantime and I'm not eating ice cream or cuddling on the couch with spongebob square pants.

2.14.2011

Happy VD

Happy Valentines Day my lovers!

To help you celebrate I will share with you a story that happened today - so you can be thankful you aren't dating this woman:

I was walking down the street on my way to lunch.  While waiting for a cross walk to give me the "go ahead" to cross the street I overheard the lady behind me having a conversation on the phone (or leaving a voicemail...not sure)

Crazy Lady: "You know what I would really love from you? A HANDwritten card that expresses what you appreciate most about me and how much you love me. That's it! I don't think that's too much to ask."

Please people. I don't think that's too much to ask, either. Whatever man or woman was dating her is LUCKY!!

2.12.2011

I want food

My friend just started dating a boy that sounds like quite a dream boat. Why do I say this? Cause he's cooked for her! We allll want a boy who will cook for us! Here is the bonus, he cooks so much that he can pack up leftovers for her lunch the next day. AND even packs a little extra for her roommate. What a winner. The only problem? He hasn't cooked for me yet. or packed away any leftovers for MY lunches. So until this happens I've decided I'm not going to approve of him. I repeat, not approved. I like food and am very protective of my friend. He now knows how to win my affection...we shall see.

2.09.2011

Ambiguous Co-Worker

Sometimes it is awkward when you work with people of the opposite sex that are semi-vague and you don’t really know what to say to them. They SEEM to be trying to vaguely hit on you, and you aren’t interested in them, but you don’t know how to steer the conversation a different direction – and wouldn’t it be presumptuous just to say “hey, listen, just in case you’re interested in me, I’m not so….stop saying vaguely flattering things to me. Okay? Thanks.”

There is this boy that works in my building that keeps saying strange things to me like: 
“why do you keep sending someone else from your floor here instead of bringing things yourself? I don’t like it when other people come by.”
Or as he’s entering things in the system and makes mistakes he says:
“I guess I just get nervous and flustered when you’re around.”
And then sends me messages over gchat that say:
“pretend this is not a ploy to get your attention”

um….er…..okay. I’ll pretend. If you pretend to stop saying these things and just be my co-worker! Deal?

2.08.2011

1.26.2011

Anonymity

So, I hide behind anonymity. I love it. I feel like I can write so much more when people don't know who I am - when this blog is not linked to my facebook or twitter feed and everyone from 10 years ago in my life can't say "you're STILL single AND you're ONLINE dating AND you go on four dates in ONE WEEK???" I just don't need to deal with that.

But a friend recently said this today: "People should have to pay $0.02 before commenting on anything on the internet and $2 if not revealing one's real name."

I can understand that. We are free to say a lot more when we can hide behind a name like "Yeti" - I don't have to be really vulnerable and it is easier not to take what people say personally because, well, they don't even know me.

But the truth is, I think about 50% of my readers actually KNOW who I am. Because I am not so good at keeping secrets. So why don't I just let you all know? I think maybe it goes back to a post a wrote in November of 2009 after discussing my blog with a co-worker who basically told me he didn't think I'd ever find a boyfriend again if they knew about this blog.

So I guess it is one of those nights I am contemplating my anonymity. Maybe I don't need it. Mabye I do.

1.25.2011

compassion for dictators


[Kenmore has recently started working in my office. His predecessor is James. James is the most compassionate man you will EVER EVER meet. Kenmore gets those scam emails all the time, like way more than a normal person, asking you for your bank information because they have millions of dollars they want to share with you.....we discussed]

Yeti: what kind of websites do you think James was going to - or what kind of mailing lists was he signing up for that you get all of this kid of junk mail from foreign dictators asking you for money? sometimes i wonder how many arabian princesses he has actually supported financially....

Kenmore:  they are like compassion children. $30/month and you can support your own exiled african dictator

Yeti:  and watch them grow, and dictate and destroy their very own country. in a way, the rewards are so much more visible than a little child that only learns to eat and read

Kenmore:  true, these guys all know how to e-mail already - they are the future

1.24.2011

parents

I have just recently started watching "Brothers and Sisters" and I love it. I think it is because it is so dramatic and it makes me cry---I actually love crying. But there was a line in it as I was watching it tonight that resonated with me.

Kitty was talking with her mom about love. Her mom wanted to know what was wrong with her "fiance" and why she didn't want to REALLY marry him. Her reply:

Kitty: "The problem? It doesn't feel like you and dad. I guess they don't make them like that anymore."

And that made so much sense to me. As much trouble as I have with love, and finding a guy, and dating someone, and truly beliving that someone could be good and trustworthy enough to spend the rest of my life with....I think it all stems back to the fact that it doesn't look like what my parents have. And what they have is so incredible.

I guess they really DON'T make it like that anymore.

1.21.2011

He's a guy

‪Dudley: It sucks cuz as you’re just getting to know him, you don’t KNOW if he's legit and honest yet.
Yeti: True. I mean, he certainly seems like a stand up guy. There is nothing to indicate otherwise.
Dudley: Other than that he's a guy.

1.19.2011

boys

It is a good thing boys are so easy to figure out

1.18.2011

judgement

I will be the first to admit - I like "The Bachelor" - I know. It's a tad bit pathetic. But I love it. It might a disease, I am not sure, I am looking into it. The drama, the passion, the public displays of affection, the ROSES!

A friend of mine MISSED the episode this last Monday and had to catch up on Hulu (what a disappointment!) She decides to do so while her brother and some of his friends are hanging out playing dungeons and dragons.

We discuss such fact:

Dudley i'm going to watch the bachelor now. even though my brother's friends playing dungeons and dragons in the other room are judging me for it.
Yeti they can judge all you want. you know why? cause we deserve it. but we are still going to watch it, cause it is an addiction.

Dudley or i just like it
Yeti or....yeah...that's what i meant
Dudley: plus they are play dungeons and dragons and i don't judge them
Yeti: but you SHOULD. so...it is kind of even
Dudley but i don't. so they are stupid for judging me. my brother's most harsh friend just told me "i am neither a nerd nor a gentleman" . . . implying that he won't accept my accusation that he's a nerd (which i didn't make) and he won't be apologetic for judging me

I love nerd boys.

1.13.2011

real life encounter

You know what is great and not awkward at all? Men from OKCupid that you’ve been matched with, tried to contact, never heard back from….and then run into.

Today at the office one of my co-workers wanted to introduce us to one of his friends who also happens to be a co-pastor of his. When he brought him over to meet us all I had a moment of “ummmm, he looks SUPER familiar,” and then it hit me – I KNOW HIM FROM ONLINE! Don’t worry, I played it off really well. I was kind and witty and aloof. No one else in that room had any idea that we were both online and I probably knew more about him than they did.

You don’t realize how small the world is until you try online dating. I am not sure if he recognized me. But if he did I am preeeeeetty sure that he is really regretting not getting back to me.

1.11.2011

staying online

here's the thing about online dating.....it's online. i know, that sounds obvious - and it is, until you are doing it and you meet someone that you are kind of sort of somewhat interested in. you go out with them - then you go out with them again - and then pretty soon you realize that it has been a couple months and you two are still going out.

i see two problems that arise.

first - they are still online. and they are checking their online dating profile. and you're sitting at home watching your phone hoping that they will call wondering to yourself "WHY are you still checking your online profile? cause i kind of thought that things were going well between the two of us. are you keeping a backup plan? or dating several women at the same time? AM I THE BACKUP PLAN?" and you kind of drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if they like you or if they're still testing the waters or if they are, in fact, a jerk that just totes people along. and how soon is too soon to ask how much longer they intend to be online?

okay, i know what your next argument is going to be - how do i know that he is online when i, in fact, am online checking to see that he is online. i see the fault here. but let's just assume that i am perfect that any guy that still logs on MUST be in the wrong....okay?

the second problem that arises - knowledge.  when you start getting to know someone online they answer questions about themselves and fill out profiles and quizzes that let you know WAY TOO MUCH information about themselves. stuff that you probably would not find out until at least 6 months in if you were dating them normally. at times this is a bit intimidating and difficult to figure out how to handle some of these self-revelations when in a more typical context you would have a stronger connection with someone built before you needed to talk about or deal with some of these issues.

does that make sense? and the adventure continues....

1.10.2011

Christian Singles

So, if any of you grew up in religion, particularly Christianity, you know that you should not really be single past...22. I mean, it is TECHNICALLY okay if you are - but, really, there is probably something wrong with you becase you are supposed to get married, build a life, make babies and all that other...stuff.

I am not people.

So churches find ways of reaching out to those poor people that don't have that significant other to have and to hold forever and ever amen.

Here are some of the best ad's that I have come across trying to draw you in to their SUPER EXCITING SINGLES ACTIVITIES!!!







1.08.2011

1.07.2011

David and Kelly are Adopting


I have some pretty cool friends that are in the process of adopting a child from South Korea. Seriously, this is a cool couple. And they are really cute!

As most of you know, adoption is something that can be REALLY expensive. So they have gone about some really cute ways to fundraise.

One of the main ways they are hoping to raise funds AND awareness about adoption and foster care, is by selling t-shirts. Check them out and see if you’d be interested in getting one!

Basically, I think it’s pretty cool that they’re adopting a baby. I think that they are a pretty rad couple – and I wanted to give them some linkage love. So check it out.

Also, when I decide to adopt a baby one day – you all better buy my t-shirts from me. They’ll most likely look something like one of these, so.....get excited.



1.06.2011

I might be turning hipster

I love music. This past year I have been discovering a lot of it - let's face it, no use in being humble about it - I'm kiiiiinda hip now. But music is kind of like a drug, a really really healthy and good one. Once you start discovering and uncovering new bands you just have to keep going. You become dissatisfied with the mundane and listening to the same old thing over and over again (sorry country music, but you did me good for SO many years!)

So I need to know what you're listening to. Help me become even more music savvy than I already am.

Here are some of my favorite discoveries (or introductions, I can't take credit for discovering them all myself) from 2010, in no particular order.

Mumford & Sons: Please, if you don't know about them yet - you MUST live in a cave. Right? Right?
King Charles: I heart his songs, his hair and his sporadic dance moves.
Laura Marling: Her voice, I THINK, cures diseases.
James Vincent McMorrow: I believe I have listened to his "We Don't Eat" on repeat for the last three months.
Great Lake Swimmers: *sigh
Hem: Excuse me, HOW had I not heard Hem before? I apologize.
Horse Feathers: I know, I know. I am so behind. But everything they do is so amazing.
Justin Bieber: KIDDING! (that was just to get my blog more random search hits :) Although, I do kind of like is "Baby" song, I really can't lie about that)
Loch Lomond: Anything with the word LOCH in the name you know is going to be good.
Bear in Heaven: Please, their facial hair ALONE would make me love them. I got to go hear them in concert and they are even more amazing live.
The Middle East: Again, the facial hair. But....seriously....this is one of the most musically talented bands I have ever heard. So many instruments - such an intense blending of sounds. I get lost in it all.
Cadillac Sky: Brilliant!
William Fitzsimmons: I think I like musicians with beards? His lyrics are intense...kind of depressing. But they are so real, and relatable. And his voice is like a smooth scotch.
Trampled by Turtles: If their names doesn't make you want to listen to them, I can't help you!

A special thank GOD for Daytrotter. They saved me from the sure embarrassment of not knowing anything about so many bands that are glorious and amazing and salve for the ears.

So...what bands am I missing? Who are the amazing lyrical and musical geniuses I need to add to my iTunes library in 2011?

1.02.2011

googled

when you google my name and then press "images" more pictures of STEAK than people come up. I'm kinda really proud/happy about that.