Sprite - From Afar

I actually feel kind of guilty putting this up here...


Dates in pairs

Dates come in pairs. Has anyone else noticed this? It is not just me, I am sure of this. We never get dates, we are on a dry streak…and then we get two. We can’t ever just focus on one – we have to deal with the drama, guilt and anxiety of multiple guys at once. I don’t understand HOW this always happens, but it does.

And sometimes it is SO HARD TO CHOOSE.


Worst first date story

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.


When is a relationship a relationship?

Sometimes relationships can be so ambiguous – especially when they are just getting started. So how far do you go being willing to take dates from other people and you’re your number out at the bars? I say…no physical contact, no commitment? Maybe that makes it too easy. But once you start getting physical with someone that up’s the status of the relationship - you can’t get away with being as casual anymore.

At least with women this is the case. We connect the physical with the emotional – so if you are becoming physically involved with us you should probably expect emotional attachment with the hopes of commitment.

I mean, do people really DECLARE it anymore? Thank God for facebook, that makes it a bit easier - if they ask you to confirm that you are in a relationship you can probably assume you are in one ;-)



eHarmony you woo me

Once being on eHarmony they never leave you alone. They frequently sends me mail asking me to rejoin their lovely site - promising me that I will find love THIS TIME. In the last letter they sent me, they almost got me. It said:
“At eHarmony, we’ve brought together thousands of singles based on their compatibility profiles. And, according to Harris Interactive research, in the U.S. alone, on average, 236 eHarmony members marry every day! We know if you give us another chance, you’ll find a more satisfying experience this time.”

WHAT? Are you kidding me? I don't believe that number. Are they marrying people they connected on eHarmony? And if so how many of these are because they got drunk on their first date and then they just got the marriage annulled? Can we look at some divorce rates here?

"And let's be honest, who gets married on a Tuesday." – my roommate

OK…so it is just an average, either way, that statistic is RIDICULOUS.


He's just not that into you

In honor of the film "He's Just Not That Into You" coming out recently, I thought I would re-post my counter-attacks. Live on ladies!! There's a fine line between disinterest and misunderstanding - and we will walk that line. This was originally broken up into two posts - so I apologize for the length (and to the 4 readers I had at the time I originally posted this):

-----------------originally posted February 2008-----------------
There is a book that has been around for a while now “He’s Just Not That Into You”. It was written by two of the writers for “Sex And The City”. I inherited this book after my year in college as an RA. One of the girls left it on the floor so as I was cleaning it out I kept it – now it is a great conversation-starter-coffee-table-book. I generally don’t think the book is that great – although girls do need to hear some of the things in there. We are so good at disillusioning ourselves and rationalizing everything. For example…some of my girlfriends and I sat down last night and cracked out the book. We thought of some "good excuses" as to WHY a guy might be into us despite what the authors were saying. So now, in a two-part series for your enjoyment…

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not asking you out:
Well…I intimidate him. It takes a lot of courage to come up a talk to me. I am pretty opinionated, independent and outgoing. Sometimes guys are afraid of being shot down. He’s nervous about ruining our friendship because it means so much to him. Besides, he DOES go to Fuller – those boys don’t ask out anyone. He just gets nervous. And, now that I think about it, I am pretty sure he kissed dating goodbye. He’s just really spiritual like that – totally focused on God. He’s just waiting for the Lord’s perfect timing – you know, a clear sign that I am the one he should ask out. He’s still seeking wisdom and godly council (which actually means he sits around with his roommates and says, “guys, she’s really hot”)

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not calling you:
Well…he doesn’t have a cell phone and he ran out of calling cards. (*cough* Phil *cough*). Or maybe he did get a cell phone but he’s just really low on minutes – he has the family plan and his dad travels a lot so he uses most of their minutes. And I think I remember him telling me he lost his phone the other day – or was it my phone number he lost? Yeah – that’s right, he put it in his pants pocket and then washed those pants forgetting that “precious piece of paper” was in there – those were his actual words. And that other guy went to the taping of American Gladiators and they confiscated his phone. Or was it that he dropped it in the ocean while he was surfing so all the numbers got wiped out? I am sure I just missed his text message. Come on. Why does he even need to call when we have class together!

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not having sex with you:
Well…he's celibate – and as Konigsmark would say, "there's no such thing as celibate light – half the sex with none of the guilt." And believe me, he wants to but I am the one that said no. He’s just being respectful of me.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's having sex with someone else:
Well…he's just practicing so he can be really good for me someday. And it is just an outlet for his sexual tension while protecting my purity. What a great guy! He doesn't want to objectify ME so he sleeps with some other girl – because I am the one that is truly special. And I am pretty sure I remember him mentioning something about being a surrogate father.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's always drunk when he hangs out with you:
Well…he has this social phobia. That’s the great thing about us – I just really get it. Besides, he's in seminary, he can't think of witty things to say when he's sober – he gets nervous. He's just a really funny party guy. I don’t think it really has anything to do with that 12-step meeting I went to with him.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He doesn't want to marry you:
Well…one of the things I love most about him is the fact that he doesn’t want to conform to social norms. Besides, he is pretty old and set in his ways. It is hard when you’ve been selfish and living on your own for so long. And it would be hard for him to give up those bunk beds. He just really values MY independence and wants to save me from the pain of potential divorce – have you SEEN the divorce rates in our country. Better safe than sorry, right?

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's breaking up with you:
Well…he’s just confused. I’m moving and he just needs some time to think things through. He’s exploring his personal identity and just not ready for such a big (exciting!) commitment. He likes me TOO much that he is overwhelmed by it. I’m not worried…he’ll be back – she’s not that pretty.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's disappeared on you:
Well…maybe aliens abducted him, how am I supposed to know. And I don’t think he ever really told me what his job was, maybe he works for the government as a side job and he can't tell me. You know – “I could tell you where I am but then I’d have to kill you.” Or maybe he's in the hospital and didn't have any identifying information on him so they couldn’t call me. Besides, he sells jewelry at horse shows.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's married:
Well…she had to get her green card. Besides, they had to get married because he knocked her up at an early age – there was a lot of pressure. Their divorce papers are just being finalized. His wife is such a bitch…and I am pretty sure it only lasted this long cause of the kids.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's a selfish jerk, bully, or really big freak:
Well…he was an only child and comes from wealth. And he tells me lots of stories of how he was bullied as a child – I think the cycle is just continuing, or this is him finally getting his revenge. Besides, it is all just a matter of perception – I think he is just misunderstood. Most drummers I know are like that. Or as Brittany says, “That's not true – a lot of really big freaks have liked me – I'm a freak magnet"


Happy v-day

*thank you to one of my readers for passing this along.


A little joke

I heard this joke last week:

Okay, so there was this woman at the grocery store standing in the check out line with her groceries.

There was a bum standing in line behind her. He watched the woman put her things on the conveyor belt and made the statement: "You're single, huh."

She looked at what she had before her: a can of coffee, a gallon of milk, a half a dozen eggs, a stack of T.V. dinners, a box of cereal, a candy bar and pack of gum.

After looking at her groceries and trying to figure out how the bum knew that she was single, she was pretty impressed and confused. She turned and looked at the bum and said, "Excuse me, I can't figure it out, what gave it away that I am single?"

The bum said, "You're ugly."


Starbucks chauch

Here is a delicious submission from one of my readers....take, eat, and enjoy:

Let me set the scene: I was in my new favorite Starbucks (it is now my favorite because of my people experiences here. I was actually shushed here not that long before this incident). A normal young man placed his order and was waiting at the end of the bar. As I was placing my order (extra hot white mocha, no whip) this guy (he is known up here in my circles as the Starbucks Chauch (SC)- a chauch is a guy who thinks he is still a frat boy even though he is no longer in college. This particular one I am sure was in his mid to late 30s) comes in and gets in line behind me. So I give the Till-girl my order and go and wait. So I am waiting for my drink and SC begins to totally flirt with Till-girl. Ew.

So then he comes to wait for his drink. Mine gets called. "Extra hot white mocha, no whip. Sweet for me, bad news for coffee girl. So, I reach for my drink, and as I was reaching, SC says " Excuse me. . . " I thought he was talking to me, so I am holding my drink, my arm on the counter. . . But he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to Coffee-Barista-girl, who by the way looked really awkward. Then he says "Excuse me, you said extra hot, I thought you were talking to me."

I am still holding my drink looking at him, and I could feel all the thoughts I had at that moment form words that became etched onto my face. I looked at poor Coffee-Barista-girl and she was so uncomfortable and had no idea what to say. Unfortunately SC was so caught up in his own wit that I don't think he saw my face. I am sure if he wasn't so consumed with himself, he would have heard what the Coffee-Barista-girl would have wanted to say - through the look on my face. I think he left thinking he was so charming, so witty, so, so, so , so whatever. . .

I wondered if he was just trying to be funny, but the funny thing is. . . I think he was dead serious about himself.

He didn't even really have a cool car - I think he had one of those old sunfires. For crying out loud if you are going to embrace the fullness of chauch-hood and make a comment like he did, one should at least drive a car (or borrow one) that is as pretentious as you are. Sunfires are the kind of car a parent buys a thier 16 yr old. They are cheap and easy to care for, relatively cost effective. I hope he said thank you when his parents handed him the keys.

And this is one of the reasons why I choose to frequent this Starbucks.


Sales pitch gone wrong

A friend of mine got this email the other day:
"Do you very want to be engaged in love, but does not can? Purchase itself magic pills!"
I don't really think a pitch like that is going to convince me to buy some magic pills. If you won't even take the time to make sure your email is grammatically correct I'm not going to trust what you choose to put in these magic pills...


Tea time

So espresso and I ended up going out [despite the Orange Peel fiasco]. We met at a tea shop half way between our houses. It was a nice little spot. It was really fun to experience him out of the usual element I see him in. I enjoyed having a bit more casual conversation that was not interrupted by fellow customers ordering drinks.

We ordered our tea, sat in the courtyard and chatted about anything, everything and nothing...for SIX hours. Are you kidding me? I can't even talk to my parents for six hours and they are my favorite people in the world. But somehow we managed. With only one ever-flowing pot of tea, our conversation never stopped and we lost track of time.

Somewhere in middle we had to leave our comfy table to go and move our cars. In Hollywood you can only stay in the same spot for so long...meters and all. We decided to come back to the same place after moving our vehicles because the three hours of conversation up to that point had not been enough. When he arrived back to the table he promptly let me know he had gotten a parking ticket. Oops. Hope it was worth it.

And so I left giddy. Hungry...but giddy. One pot of tea, six hours of conversation and no food. It was a great date - but if any of you do this I recommend ordering a pizza.


Run for the boarder

CLASSIC Advertisement from the Superbowl...just in case you did not catch it.

ALSO another fun fact: Taco Bell was apparently give this esteemed position back in my midwestern hometown. It just doesn't get any better than that!

(*Thank you to my friend Danieljames for this photo)


Pride and prejudice and pain medication

I should not be allowed to watch "Pride and Prejudice:" while on pain medication. When my mind is in such a foggy and unstable state I can't separate fiction from reality. While watching the drama unfold in front of me thoughts like "Mr. Darcy IS real and I know I am going to find him, probably this year actually" begin to pop into my head. I start believing that if I just talk in a british accent, curtsy more and say things like "yes, quite" or "are you not diverted?" or "pray I ask..." he would just fall into my lap. Perhaps I would even find a handwritten letter delivered to me by horseback tomorrow (I'd even settle for an email).

I think perhaps watching P&P on pain medication has helped me realize how much I have given up on romance. I don't think these sorts of things exist anymore. I've settled for someone dropping a please-date-me card in a bar instead of trying to get my number and develop a connection, or pulling the car over instead of honking as they drive by, or grabbing a cup of coffee instead of dinner and candles, or playing rockband instead of serenading me with live music...(Okay, that was a stretch, but you get it)

I'm not saying any of these things are bad, I'm just saying pain medication helps me believe that perhaps there still is a man on horseback coming for me (and I won't mind if he looks like Colin Firth...or Edward Norton).


Awkward situation

#6: Staying at your boyfriends house for the weekend. He gives you his bed while he takes the couch – you get your period and it leaks all over his bed. [thank you to a reader of mine for submitting this awkward moment].

I don't think this awkward moment really needs any commentary. It really would be quite miserable for both parties involved.

Better luck with your timing next go-around.


Please-date-me Card

Have you heard of these things? The "please date me" card? Friends, this is a new phenomenon for me.

I was out salsa dancing this weekend (per usual) and got into a nice conversation with one of the regulars. He has been a good buddy for quite some time now. We chatted and danced for practically the whole evening - each dance ended in him proclaiming "I just ADORE you, surely you must know that!" [blush]

Seriously, if I could bottle this guy up and take him home, I would. He is not creepy and just plain fun. A true gentleman and a joy to dance with.

Until the end of the evening. His gentleman-like manner did not go away, but he ceased being the harmless asexual dance partner and moved into prowler territory. Phrases like "you are perfect, don't change a thing" or "you are so beautiful my eyes cannot lie" or "I really like you I must be honest to my heart" started coming out. I began wondering if perhaps I had shimmied a bit TOO much out on the dance floor and brother was suddenly interpreting things differently than he had been for the past two years.

That's when he hit me with the "please date me" card.

PDM: Would you mind if I gave you my card?
Yeti: [assuming business card] Of course not.
PDM: Thank you. [shuffles through wallet and pulls out something resembling THIS (please enjoy this mock card I quickly made up on my computer - I am NOT tech savvy people)]:

: [stares].....[stares]...[blink]...[stares]
PDM: If you would call or email me my heart would be so very happy.
Yeti: Okay then. Thanks.

Seriously? A card that is just some photos of you in varying poses and different attire with your contact information at the bottom. Wow. I've gotta get me some of these!! So much better than normal business cards.


Girls that ask ridiculous questions

Here are some of the ridiculous questions girls sometimes ask:
If my whole body got burnt would you still think I was beautiful?
If I were in a coma for the rest of my life would you stay with me?
If I shaved my head like Brittany Spears did would you still think I’m beautiful?
Does this make me look fat?
Do you think she's cute?
What should I order?
Do I remind you of your mother?
If I died young would you remarry?
If you die young should I remarry?
Am I your best friend?
What is the best part of my body?
Do you want to meet my kids?
Do you believe in kissing in public?
Which one of my friends would you date?
How many kids are we going to have?
Where is this going?
Do you like my parents?
If you couldn't kiss me would you still be interested in me?
When are we going to get engaged?
Do you think wives should work?
How does this look?
Do you like makeup?
How should I cut my hair?
Why I haven't I met your friends?
If I fell off a mountain and broke both my legs would you still dance with me at our wedding?
Why am I not in your top 8?
Can I show you the drawing of my sexual being?
Anything involving the ex:
Do you want to meet....
Can we hang out with....
You remind me of....
Can my ex come?
Can we double with my parents?
Have you ever been stalked before?
How many girls have you kissed?
Would you hold my hair while I puked?
How much do you love me?
How do you feel about seeing other people?
How much do you think I weigh?
How old do you think I am?
So you like chick flicks, right?
Do they look real?
I made it just for you, what do you think?
Do your friends like me?
Am I the kind of girl your mom would like?
Why do you look at my friends?
Are you going to break up with me?
Will you ever leave me?
What's the one thing you would change about me?

Here are some of the statements (and/or rhetorical questions) that leave an uncomfortable silence in the room:
You remind me of my dad.
I used to come here when my dad was on parole
It wouldn't be the first time I woke up in a tub full of ice with an incision in my lower back
Who hasn't woken up in a jail cell?
Didn't your family play spin the bottle?
Where did it go?
I’m pregnant

And here are some openers you never want to hear at the beginning of a conversation:
You know how you said you'd always love me...
You know when I said I was XX years old....
How much did you like that PS3...
We have to talk...
Remember that one time in Mexico…
So I was talking to your mom the other day…