12.02.2009

friend request

I think it's creepy when you ask me to be your friend on facebook when:

- you're 35 years older than me
- we have no friends in common
- you have no picture
- your mom's name is melificent

reject.

12.01.2009

11.25.2009

Tip #47

If you try going out with a guy a couple times and things don't really work out - don't then move on to dating his roommate and see how things work out there.

11.24.2009

dreaming of you

I am having a debate with a few guys in my office today:

I had a strange dream last night. And the main character of the dream was a boy that works in my same building. This boy and I have had a few conversations...not too many...but I know he can joke around and has a decent sense of humor. But really, besides a few hello's and "how about that shredder, pretty nice, eh?" I don't really know him at all and wouldn't be surprised if he forgot my name.

I am quite surprised that my subconscious found him important enough to build a scenario around. Here's what happened:

We were at a school and he really needed to get into a classroom. He was late for class and the professor would lock the door once class began. The only way to get in was if you knew someone with a key. Apparently, I have keys.

He kept calling and calling and calling and calling me - but I never answered my phone so he left a voicemail AND a text after every call (annoying!). Only it wasn't my fault. I was in the middle of my American Idol audition and I was KILLING it. Only it was taking forever because there were 25 judges instead of the normal three - and they were all taking about 10 minutes to give me feedback about my singing. But Ellen was really loving me. She wanted to leave Portia for me even...I was THAT good.

So once I finished my audition (I made it by the way) I tried to find this boy so I could let him into his classroom, but he was playing hide-n-seek in this big auditorium. When I yelled out his name he would not answer because he did not believe that I was trying to help him - he thought I was trying to trick him and make him lose the game by giving away his hiding spot.

And then I woke up.

So the debate: I think the dream was kind of funny. I want to tell him. And all the guys I work with say that's the worst idea ever. Cause apparently that would mean I want to marry him. Cause OBVIOUSLY a girl's subconscious would not think about you if she just wanted to be friends. What do you think?

11.23.2009

snoring

Do you think it would be rude to ask someone if they snore on a first date? Because I am a really light sleeper and it might be better just to cut my losses up front...

11.21.2009

Today I...

Turned the heat on for the first time.

Lit some candles around the house so it smelled all pretty

Baked a coffee cake

Cleaned my coffee maker (using vinegar and everything!)

Wrote some pages of a research paper

Watched “Everest: Beyond the Limit: Season 1”

AND "Paris, Je T'aime"

Went for a run

Practiced my musical instrument

Wore sweat pants

I would say today has been a pretty successful day.

11.20.2009

I heart you online

My friend Kristin has made me aware of a dynamic duo that sings delightfully hilarious songs that one can't help but sing along to.

I heart you online is an adorable song that holds a special place in my facebook-addicted heart:



But I also think their song "Love Cake" is one of the cutest things I have ever heard. I very well might try to sing it to a boy and see if I can get him to date me. I mean, logically speaking, what guy would NOT date you if you bake him cake and sing him an adorable song in perfect harmony about it...

11.18.2009

DEER!

My sister hit a deer with her car and then called me because she had no idea what to do

...is it bad that I think that's funny?

11.17.2009

Google Voice Fun

I had dinner with some good friends the other night. And it felt a little like we were in junior high playing telephone again because we were all taking turns to call and leave me voicemails.

I just added GOOGLE VOICE to my phone. And it is amazing. Well...for the most part. I have this little defect to my mostly perfect nature which is, I HATE LISTENING TO VOICEMAILS. Seriously, they will sit in my inbox for weeks on end before I get around to listening to them. Now with google voice I get an email in by inbox with a transcript of the voice message that was left for me. AMAZING!

However, this magical device does have its downfall. It does not transcribe singing, it has a real hard time with Australian, Scottish or Texan accents...and, frankly, it just doesn't have a very broad vocabulary.

Here is the translation of a couple messages left for me:
Yeah, Hi Jill, it's Jimmy, Hope you're doing well. I've been thinking a lot about automatically lately and also about scooper naked. Just wanted to talk to you a text.
Pine Knob, it's just me. Man, I'm just thankful can get him your ad.I'm not sure whether it was cutting or not, buddy.
I don't even remember what the original's were...but it was not that.

Go ahead and get yourself google voice...it provides HOURS of entertainment.

11.16.2009

My blog, My child

I have a friend who tells me my blog is like entering a relationship with a child. I have baggage [NOT that I am trying to say to any of you with children that they are baggage]. I am carrying something with me that some guy has to decide if he can handle, be committed to, not freak out about...


There have been many male figures interwoven throughout this blog, we don't know who the father is. It has become protective of me...sometimes it doesn't like all these new guys. Multiple men it has to yell “you’re not my father” to.


There are the guys that try to be the father figure - "I can handle the blog” he says. He wants to become a good model for the blog, find himself a regular figure in its life - the blog doesn't scare him away.

And then there are those who run and hide. They aren’t ready for that commitment. Aren’t ready to meet by blog or don’t feel like they have what it takes to date me after hearing about it…


I am really happy when my blog likes a guy...I know this could potentially really be something. I am not just thinking about me anymore...I am concerned about my blog. And frankly, all of you. If I get a boyfriend my blog will not be as good for all of you [not that I’m so good at keeping up at it right now!]. My identity as a writer will be different - I will not be the single girl in LA.


So when is the right time to let a guy know? Hi, I need to let you know I have a two year old...blog. And how will I know he’s the Yeti??

11.06.2009

Facebook guidance

So, I have not been particularly annoyed with the little guidance, ploys and hints given to me by facebook recently on the right hand side of my screen...

"write on matt's wall"

"send jennifer a message"

"suggest some friends for harka"

UNTIL

facebook had the audacity to suggest that i POKE a boy i dated for a bit in college. a boy that just got married just a couple months ago no less.

facebook...who do you think you are? i don't really think it is appropriate for me to be POKING "West" especially given the currently circumstances. Please don't place me in awkward situations like that. You bring back all sorts of old memories of when I used to poke him. but the tickle fights are over, that's not my place anymore - some else is poking him now.

you know, i think i liked it better when you didn't try to meddle in my relationships. they're complicated enough as it is.

10.27.2009

Bright moment #274

I went to the Dia de los Muertos celebration in Hollywood this weekend. It was awesome. Here is a picture my friend took:

















Now on to my brilliant moment.

First to set the scene. We went to one booth that had a wall set up where you could put your head through a hole and take a picture so you have a fake body. Does that make sense? Anyway, when my friend and I went to take our picture we didn’t know if we were going to have to pay or make a donation to snap a photo so I pulled a dollar out and put it in my pocket just in case. Turns out it didn’t cost anything.

Fast-forward a couple hours.

I really had to go to the bathroom. There were some porto’s (as I call them) set up throughout the cemetery for our hygienic relief. As I walked into the porto it was already off to a rocky start – pitch black, trying to juggle my lit cell phone, squatting so as to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING.

It was right about this time, with my cell phone under my chin, holding the door so I don’t fall into the toilet, that I discovered there was no toilet paper. Luckily I remembered that I had my grocery list from earlier that day in my pocket. I pulled that out, somewhat-successfully, wiped and called it quits.

It was not until about an hour later that I reached into my pocket for that dollar bill that I found my grocery list…and realized that I had in fact mistaken the two in my horrendous dark toilet excursion.

Do you KNOW how dirty dollar bills are? I feel itchy.

10.22.2009

I already don't like dogs

I feel like this is very unnatural. This dog is almost as big as a horse. And it looks like a human. I think the feet are what freak me out most.
I bet this is a family Christmas card...I would not hang it on my fridge.















Found here.

Couple more thoughts:
I hope he is obedient - because if this thing tries to run away from you, you aren't going to be stopping it.
And I hope he is potty trained because if that thing accidentally goes in your house what a MESS.

10.21.2009

just a thought

you know those tunnels you have to drive through on the highway...the ones you always held your breath in as a kid? well, there are lights that line those tunnels so you can see when you drive through them at night.

i was just thinking...i would hate to be the person that has the job of changing those lights when they burn out.

10.20.2009

Definitely toasted

So, do you remember “Probably Toasted?” My roommate and I ran into him a looooooooong time ago so here is the link in case you need a refresher.


Well, we called him.


OMG (and I don’t use that jr. high phrase often) best. decision. ever.


He, of course, did not remember us at all. But he likes girls so he agreed to meet up with us for drinks the next day. When we arrived he was already there looking all cute in his tweed jacket and shaggier than we’d remembered. We met at a local bar in town to have a couple of drinks. He was a great friend of the bar tender, which was weird at first, but then not so weird after he finished consuming 6 bourbons on the rocks.


After finishing up at the bar we decided to go over to a local happy hour for some taco’s. He didn’t want to eat anything – he just got two more beers and a margarita. LOTS of drinks – but LOTS of fun as well.

He apparently had a good time (and was able to remember something) because he decided to give us a call again later that week. One of the friends we met at the happy hour was a rapper and he invited us to join him at J’s concert. We met him there and that’s when the fun got started:


This boy honest believes he is in a real life episode of elimidate. All throughout the evening he would sneak away with each of us individually and ask if we wanted to go out on a date one-on-one sometime. Phrases like “I just don’t want to have to choose, you’re both so great!” would dribble from his mouth.


Yeti: “That’s so cute you think you have a choice. Neither of us actually want to date you. We just want to be friends and hang out with you.”

Toasted: “Wow, that’s such great news, cause E* is freaking hot, but I just really feel like you and I have this great connection and I can really talk to you. So I don’t know how I would choose.” [I love that I’m the “smart” one…I didn’t want to be the hot one anyway!]


Five minutes later I walk over to where him and E* are standing and I hear him whispering in her ear asking her out on a date.


Toasted: Wanna go out sometime? But don’t tell your roommate, I think she’d be jealous and get mad.

E: I am pretty sure she would not care.

Toasted: Great, then sneak my number out of her phone and give me a call sometime.


We decided it was time for us to leave. Toasted was….toasted, and we were getting tired.


2:00am rolls around and my phone starts to buzz indicating a text message

Toasted: Can I get E*’s number from you?

10.19.2009

Non-threatening ways to ask out girls.

Someone wrote in and asked me if I would share some non-threatening ways to ask girls out.




















[this space intentionally left blank]





























Sorry. You’re on your own. I think I’m nice, but if asking us girls out is anything like asking a boy out it doesn’t matter how nice they are. You should feel threatened.

10.16.2009

If you’re “just friends” you wouldn’t have to say you’re “just friends”

Why does that have to be a qualifier? There must be something to raise the question in the first place. Maybe you are just friends, but you certainly are having to defend it quite a bit. And if history teaches us anything it is that guys do NOT need anymore “friends” in their lives, especially of the female persuasion. They have those really close ones that are like sisters to them, way too over-protective giving them all the girl-advice they could ever need.

It really goes back to the debate of can guys and girls really ever be friends? They really can’t, so just stop fooling yourself. At least say, “we’re doing our best to just be friends, but with all this sexual tension it’s crazy hard and there might be a benefit thrown in there every once and a while. Just taking it one day at a time.” PLEASE one of you try that and let me know how it goes…

Unless the other person you have to say “we’re just friends” to is someone that slightly repulses you. Then it might be best to just say “I’m moving to Yemen.”

10.15.2009

I just want to do you

If you aren't watching Modern Family yet...you need to be

10.12.2009

Quote of the day

"Guys, I just gave my number to a guy in a helmet!"

10.07.2009

Difficult Professions

They always say dentists and different health care professionals have one of the highest suicide rates. But I would think debt collectors have a higher one. Cause some people actually LIKE their dentist but no one likes their debt collector. You never hear about the debt collectors...

10.05.2009

Alone

I can't eat in a restaurant by myself.

I can't go to concerts by myself.

I can't go to a bar by myself.

I can't go to a dance club by myself.

I can't take a vacation by myself.

I can't

10.02.2009

Wisdom from Seinfeld

"To me the thing about marriage is I can't believe how often it happens. I mean, I like the idea of it but I can't believe THAT MANY people are meeting people that they want to see every single day every day every day every day. That should happen three or four times, you know, in a century."

10.01.2009

Grilling out

In the words of my friend JK, "sometimes you just gotta work with what you got"

9.28.2009

I.H.Z.E.A

Welcome to I Heart Zac Efron Anonymous. Many of us have tried to resist it for so long. I don't want to be a cougar just like the rest of you. But then I watched 17 Again. And that HAIR. And those EYES. Okay...you get the point.

Hello, my name is Yeti and I heart Zac Efron.

9.25.2009

Lunch conversation

Girl One: Do they make chastity belts that vibrate?

Girl Two: Do they even make chastity belts?

9.23.2009

No thanks, Austin

I got a recent friend request on myspace from a musician, Austin. I have many friends who are musicians so I can appreciate pushing yourself, getting your product out there, trying to live the dream.

But the picture below is what was on Austin's page.






















Really? Your music isn't even that good and you think you're so hot that I am going to pay $300 to go to dinner and a movie with you...AND THEN HAVE YOU SING TO ME!!!

ew.

9.22.2009

Barbie

I do not know who drives this car, but I am jealous. I would buy this car for myself if I lived in Malibu. For sure.























It was just sitting outside my office this morning. I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but it SPARKLES! I can’t prove it cause I did not see the driver but I am pretty sure a Barbie owns this car….or Perez Hilton.

Please note the "Jesus Makes Me Tickled Pink" license plate cover.

9.21.2009

A hadwritten hello

You know what I miss? Letters.

I never get letters in the mail anymore. Just a little something letting you know that someone was thinking about you and wanted to take the time to write some thoughts down just for you, fold them up, stick them in an envelope and put a stamp on it.

Sometimes I wish we would use the good 'ol post office a bit more. I am guilty of it just as much as anyone. I don't even know anyone's address anymore - if they don't have email (or, let's be honest, facebook) there's pretty much no hope of ever speaking to them again.

Letters. I miss letters.

9.18.2009

jello

my neighbors had a jello wrestling competition in our shared driveway the other day.

jello. wrestling.

i'm not even in a sorority. more days should involve jello and wrestling and beer-pong. that's what i think.

9.16.2009

I spy with my little eye

Is it weird that a man just walked out of the bathroom with his laptop?....open

9.14.2009

Waiting

Sometimes waiting is hard:
Is he going to call?
Is he going to write?
Will he make the bold gesture?
Are we on the same page?
Should I say anything?
Did I say enough?
Did I say too much?

All of these questions and most of them don’t really have an answer. We agonize ourselves asking questions over and over in our mind, analyzing every word and gesture, hardly recognizing what is happening right in front of us.

And we barely even know what we would do if we actually got an answer to our questions. But somehow there is comfort in the asking.

And so we wait.
In anticipation.
With butterflies.
And hope…

I mean, I’m a cynic and everyone tells you it doesn’t happen like the movies but…maybe a prince does exist somewhere.

9.11.2009

Toilet paper

Do you think restaurants and offices buy such crappy toilet paper so no one will steal it and take it home?

9.01.2009

Questions at the office

So, I got a call the other day asking me if I do sperm analysis.

Yeah. I work at a seminary.

8.19.2009

High school sweetheart

By the way, I am totally fine that the boy I loved all through high school just got engaged this last weekend. That’s not weird at all.

I mean...I didn't ACTUALLY think we'd end up together. And I only "high school" loved him...not really loved him. Which was proven by the fact that I wrote his initials on my ceiling with those glow-in-the-dark stars.

7.29.2009

I have a gift

A friend of mine turns to me the other day and says: "do you have some sign that says 'single and desperate' that only weird guys can see or something?"

point taken.

7.22.2009

Texting

i m bthrd whn ppl dnt spl out wrds whn txtng. Wht is the pt of mkng thm shrt hlf of the time? It wld b esier 2 writ thm out.

7.20.2009

String me along

You know what I hate about the male species? Just when you've finally gotten to a place where you can convince yourself "he's just not that into you"...they make ONE LITTLE INTENTIONAL POINT OF CONTACT to reel you back in to confusion. And we let them do it every time.

Men...they are dumb - but they are NOT so dumb.

7.15.2009

Getting to the point

Here was a status update from a friend of mine recently on facebook.

"Mom-to-Be" just suffered a new pregnancy humiliation: a very elderly woman behind me in line at the grocery store looked at my un-ringed, swollen left hand and asked me, point blank in front of God and everybody, if I was planning on marrying the father! Oh, yes, she did!

Gotta love the good 'ol Midwest.

7.13.2009

Bagpipes are hot

Okay. Confession [I do this a lot]. I am taking bagpiping lessons.

Okay. Now that we are over that shock, on to a recent conversation I had:

7&7: Are you going to blog about your Scottish bigpipe instructor?

Yeti: Not unless something exciting happens

7&7: What do you mean? He taught you how to BLOW into a chanter.

Yeti: Point taken.

7.10.2009

denim

Okay...this ad is the SECOND denim jump suit (romper) I have seen this summer. Am I missing something? Am I supposed to own one of these?


























[The first one was Jillian Harris on the bachelorette]

7.08.2009

What happens when you get married?

People often ask me if I will keep writing this blog when I start dating someone or get married. What will happen when all the fun pick-up lines and horrible first date's go away?

I have news for you. They don't go away [well, hopefully the first dates do].

Please enjoy three tasty examples from my beautiful and married friend, Robin.

You can't get rid of the Yeti that easily...

7.06.2009

My life is too accessible

I have been on a kick lately of scaling back how much of my life I make available to people. I deleted over 800 friends off my facebook, put a bunch of people on limited profile, went anonymous on this blog, blah blah blah. I have just been feeling like my life is too accesible and there is no need for friends or strangers to be knowing THIS MUCH about me at every moment (don't even get me STARTED on twitter...what is the point?)

At any rate. Once I had made this decision, I had a friend request come through on my facebook from a name I did not recognize. It had a message attached to it...please see photo below:








Um...this is definately a guy I was matched with on eHarmony. We had been matched for about 4 hours at the time he sent me this friend request. FREAKY! I know we all stalk people on the internet - but you DON'T ADMIT IT THAT QUICKLY.

Weird.

Needless to say, I have now blurred out my tattoo so no one else can stalk me as easily...

7.01.2009

Suave

So, there is this nice older (old) man that works for the same company I do. Not in the same department, but I see him around every few weeks or so.

He always tells these real corny jokes and laughs at himself a lot – just your typical jolly, friendly old man.

One day, I run into him in a stairwell. He stops me and this following exchange takes place:

Old: Good morning, Yeti! Say, can I ask you a question?
Yeti: Sure!
Old: Now, I’m 57 years old. You’ve gotta be…what? Mid-20’s?
Yeti: Sure. That’s about right.
Old: Wow, okay, right, that’s young. I am obviously too old for you. But let’s just SAY I were 28. If I were to ask you out, what would you say?
[Insert Dramatically Long Pause]
Yeti: Um…yeah, sure, you’re a funny guy.
Old: Awww….you make an old guy feel so good!!

WHAT do you say in that situation? I am in a lose lose here people. I can’t say NO…it is a hypothetical. What kind of crul person says no in that situation. But by saying yes, I have a somewhat creepy guy thinking “if only I were a bit younger…that girl would totally go out with me!!”

Ew.

6.29.2009

LOL

I am not a big fan of the LOL. It seems overused and inauthentic.

6.24.2009

Masseur

I don’t know if I have ever told you readers this before, but I am kind of a big deal. I have been trekking in Nepal before. That’s right…made it to Annapurna Base Camp. I puked when I got there…but I think that’s totally normal.

Anyway, part of what I love about trekking is the people you meet along the way. You are bound to meet people that will journey with you along the way to each stop. Our group found two such guys – Boom-Boom and The German.

Boom-Boom could provide us with several blog posts on his own – he was an exuberant Canadian man that was SO FUN I kind of wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home with me.

But the point of this post, is The German. All the trekkers that were staying at this mountain stop for the night were in the main dining area sitting at one table crammed around a little gas heater. It was FREEZING. I ended up sitting next to The German all throughout dinner and then afterward as my group spent some time in discussion and debriefing the days activities.

He was quite distracting.

First of all, he was really good looking. Second, he kept trying to engage me in conversation even though I was trying REALLY hard to pay attention to what was going on with my group. And lastly…he was apparently a masseur back in Germany, so he kept trying to give me a massage.

Dear readers, I cannot express to you how difficult this was to resist after trekking all day long – on Day 4 of a 7 Day trek in the Himalayans. He just sat there massaging my leg, then my hand and arm and then finally worked his way to my shoulders. Who was I to resist?

The best part though (and the point of this post) was as he was massaging my shoulders he took hold of my shirt, tugged it a little, and said: “I do much better massages without the clothes on.” [insert hopeful glance here]

Riiiight. Good try…real good line…but you’re going to have to prove that you are a professional by working around the clothing. Cause my shirt is staying ON.

6.22.2009

earl

Things with "Earl" still bother me only because I feel SO misunderstood.

6.17.2009

Three way

I love vacation weekends. It means sleeping in, relaxing, and lots of time outdoors in the sun. On the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend some girlfriends and I headed out to the beach to catch some much needed rays of sunshine and downtime. Unfortunately the wind decided to puff up its muscles and show who’s boss right when we got there – but it was still an enjoyable couple of hours…all the way up to when we had to wrap ourselves in our towels to keep from getting freezer burn.

Anyway, after we headed back home and washed up we decided to head out for some dinner. We ended up at Jake’s Burger in Old Town and it was delicious. The chefs were really pretty friendly and we enjoyed joking around with them.

This is the part where I tell you about these annoying people that walk around Old Town selling flowers. I always feel awkward when I am walking with a guy and they practically harass them “pretty flowers for the beautiful lady?” I feel like I have to stick up for him, or say I hate flowers, or pretend we just got some but left them in the car. I don’t know…it’s weird.

So one of these guys comes into the restaurant. It is just three of us girls so I feel less pressure. We obviously do not want to buy OURSELVES a flower to remind us that we are single and have no one else to buy us these.

The, suddenly, mid burger-chomp, one of the chefs comes up to our table and presents us with a rose. “Sorry I could only get one for all three of you, you’ll have to share. But I wanted to get a rose for the beautiful ladies.”

One rose for three girls.

But I guess in these hard economic times – we’ve gotta take what we can get.

My favorite part was when we got up to leave after eating and he said, “Where are you going?” Sorry bud, the rose was nice, but not THAT nice.

6.15.2009

Me and Kate = we're tight

Exchanges with the Latin Lover continue. This time, I leave you with a disturbing text exchange we had last week:

Latin Lover: “Have you seen The Reader?”
Yeti: “Yeah. Super intense, but really good.”
Latin Lover: “…I’m watching it right now and I do not know how, but it made me think about you!!”

Umm….I am pretty sure that is the most disturbing thing he could have said to me. I have no idea how that movie could EVER make anyone think of me.

I told a friend of mine at work about this little exchange to which he replied:
"Seriously, Yeti, I have to believe that someday you will meet a man who doesn't think you are a Nazi."
And for the rest of the day another guy in my office decided it would be hilarious to call me Nazi-Cougar. Well played...and disturbing.

WHAT could he have meant? HOW could that ever be a compliment?

6.10.2009

The power of a clean car

You know what’s attractive? A guy with a clean car.

It does not have to be big or expensive or shiny or fast, but clean? It has to be clean. Clean makes you seem to have things together just a bit more. [And I’m not talking about washing your car once a week *cough* Jeff *cough* that would make me a hypocrite, I am just talking about keeping it tidy]

There are few things that turn me off more than getting ready to jump into a guys car and suddenly having to worry about that filthy mess penetrating my immune system.

If a guys car is a mess, that just puts up further obstacles. I am rethinking how close I want to get to him throughout the evening because I now question his personal hygiene. And even more than that I am suddenly uncertain about ever wanting to see where he lives – if his CAR is this dirty…imagine what his apartment looks like. I might never make it out alive!

Seriously, we’ll smile and pretend everything is fine, but inside we’re dying. Clean your car.

6.08.2009

Mexican swine flu

And yet another text exchange with the Latin Lover

Latin Lover: "Hola Yeti! do you want to go dancing tonight?"
Yeti: "no bien. next time."
Latin Lover: "...poor senorita, rUokay? ...mexican swine flu? ...I am the antidote!! ...just kidding, be careful and I hope you get well soon. besitos!!

6.03.2009

Easy Solutions

This is one of the most HILARIOUS things I have ever read in a long time. Please...click...enjoy.

***Warning: You may laugh so hard you pee your pants***

Link #1:
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway. What do you do?

Link #2:
So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you've never even said hello.

*Thank you to Matt for passing this along.

6.01.2009

Beer Me

I met a Mexican guy salsa dancing. We shall call him my "Latin Lover." He is wonderful, ADORABLE and I couldn’t resist going on at least one date. What can I say? I love the attention!

We met up at a local Mexican restaurant in town for appetizers and margaritas. He was looking cute with his little vest and overwhelming cologne. About half way through the meal a woman came around to the table asking if we would like our picture taken…he insisted [$15 is a GREAT deal for a photo!]. It is now prominently displayed on my bookshelf (right next to the Please-Date-Me Card…I think I am trying to build a salsa shrine).

During our time at the restaurant he tried to get to know me a bit more by asking me what I enjoyed doing for fun and what I was studying in school. One of the courses I was taking was called “Intercultural Attachment.” To that he replied:

“this is perfect, you can practice right now, interculturally attach to ME!”

Ooooookay buddy. Good try. [it only worked a little]

A bit later in the evening he invited me to join him at his parent’s house for a family baby shower they were having for his sister. He then invited me to Vegas for the weekend with his brothers. [I don’t know WHEN he and I started dating, but he’s a very nice boyfriend…]

The date ended pretty well. He gave me a kiss – but I really feel no chemicals. He won’t give it up though. He is a pretty persistent dude. And the problem is I don’t understand half of what he tries to communicate to me. I have to have my roommate translate most of the text messages he writes to me.

He found out during the date that I really like beer so a few days after our date I hear a knock at my front door, but when I got up and answered it no one was there. I find a box with my name written all over it and inside is a variety of Sam Adams sample beer. Mmmmm…this might be worth a few more dates! Beer-grams? So much better than those crappy things we used to put in each other’s lockers at Valentines in jr. high.

5.28.2009

Attractive man slipped through my fingers

I saw one of the most attractive men I have ever seen in my life this last Sunday. While I was eating a burger (in a really dainty way) he walked by outside the restaurant window. I caught his eye and didn’t let it go cause I was trying to make a point “yeah, that’s right, I think you’re hot, you can come in here and talk to me.”

He didn’t really come in, but he DID walk by again 6 more times.

Had I been more witty in the moment I would have gotten up, gone outside and said: "Excuse me, you either find me very attractive or you are really lost – I can help you with either of those things."

But instead I let him just walk away…next time.

5.26.2009

An Open Letter to Simon

Dear Simon,

Jillian is stupid. Date me.

Warmly,
Yeti

--------------------------
Confession: I watch the Bachelorette.

Fact #1: I heart Simon Ambrose.

Fact #2: Jillian is dumb for cutting him last night.

Fact #3: I MAY have found him on facebook and added him as a friend.

Is that creepy? I mean, apparently he is single and looking (he let America know that when he joined the show). It would be unfair of me to hold back when I know that what he's looking for is ME. Plus he has an English accent. It would be unfair to myself if I didn't try to date him so I could hear it more often.

And while we're at it: I might be falling in love with Jake, Tanner P is creepy, Wes is annoying and Juan is an a-hole.

5.22.2009

Drinks? Yes, please!

If a guy's not asking me out for drinks...there's no point.























Thank you, Josh, for finding this for me!

5.21.2009

gChat

Here is a conversation I had with a friend last night. Let me know if you wanna set him up on a blind date with yourself...

9:12 PM Yeti: at the rate cougars fall in love with you, you’ll be FINE. Just find a cougar to be your sugar mama.

9:14 PM Mouse: cougars are terrified of commitment

9:15 PM Yeti: aren’t we all, I thought that was normal?

9:16 PM Mouse: I'm totally comfortable with it. provided that "it" is with a smokin hot english cellist between the ages of 18 and 25 who likes introspective literature, jazz, loves Jesus and has a propensity for understanding sarcasm.

9:17 PM Yeti: i could learn the cello....

9:18 PM Mouse: and it would be cool if she was moderately skilled at a variety of winter sports.

5.20.2009

Twice rejected

One of the things I really loved about eHarmony was the ability to be rejected twice by certain boys. Think about it – if you put your setting as wanting to be matched with “Christian” or anything else rather specific then you are really narrowing down the pool eHarmony is going to match you with. (and even if you don’t I am convinced that there really aren’t that many people on there so they just match you with the other 20 people in your zipcode). This, for me, meant that I got matched with many many boys both at my school and church.

While it allowed me to know that I was probably not getting matched with some psychos it also afforded me the opportunity to get rejected TWICE by these guys. They would close me down on eHarmony (probably using a vague explanation like “other”) and then when I saw them in real life I’d get rejected again: the awkward avoidance, the “we should hang out in groups”, the look that I can only assume means you-don’t-really-look-like-your-picture.

It’s okay though, because I make myself better by convincing myself that they are sad pathetic boys that are afraid to talk to or ask girls out in real life. I just shoot them back a glare that says “I know your secret too, buddy! And you’re right, I don’t look like my picture, I’m hotter. And now that you closed me down you don’t stand a chance. And every girl here is going to know that you like playing cops and robbers or scrabble on the weekends. And by the way, you spelled scrabble wrong in your profile, it has TWO b’s…I can tell you are probably really good at it!”

5.18.2009

Accents

What is it about accents? Seriously. I would marry a Scottish accent right now.

5.15.2009

Keep on treading

A new way to get around and flirt


























Found HERE, click on the link for many other great and innovative ideas!

5.11.2009

Country music...speak to me

You know you're in trouble when you listen to country music and start thinking to yourself "radio, you REALLY understand me. You're probably the only one who truly understand what I go through and how I feel."


5.07.2009

Stoplight

This is a great pick-up story submitted by one of my readers...enjoy! And send along one of your own!

------------------------------------------
So I was on my way to meet my friend for a movie and coffee on a Friday night. I was at a red light doing the usual waiting-at-a-red-light stuff, when I caught motion out of the corner of my eye. I look to my right out the passenger window, and the guy in the truck next to me is gesturing pretty definitely in my direction. In the midst of a dear-lord-whose-pet-is-dragging-from-my-bumper moment, I roll down my window only to hear, "HI! ARE YOU SINGLE?" Of course, priding myself on my witty repartee, I replied, "HUH?" He then proceeds to shout at me through my passenger window that his name is Eddie, he "doesn't normally do this" but he looked over and thought I was "really attractive" and wanted to know if I was single. It was dark, cold and I didn't feel I looked particularly enchanting in my chunky turtleneck and my hair in a ponytail, but apparently I have achieved the level of cuteness necessary in Bakersfield for a drive-by-pickup! Still proud of my legendary wit, I reply, "THANKS!" At this point the light changes color, and he yells at me to meet him at the cafe. As there are no cafes on the street and I'm still a little freaked out by the fact that he's pacing my car, I respond with "I have plans!" At this point, I'm thinking to myself that the low point in my social life was New Year's Eve, when I joined EHarmony and then went to bed at 10:30. So, the guy who thinks I'm cute at the stoplight and who drives a nice car ranks higher than that, and I shout my number out to him through the window.

Not 30 seconds later, my phone rings, and it's a number I don't recognize. I answer, and the first thing I hear is, "I'm not calling you calling you. I'm just making sure I have the right number." I laugh at him and, as my shock has ebbed and allowed the witty brain to take over from the dumbass blonde that was in control, I ask him to repeat his name for me. "It was Eddie, right? Not wierd stoplight stalker car guy?" I hear a strained sort of chuckle forced out (you know, the kind when the other person doesn't really get the joke but is laughing because he thinks he's supposed to...) and then fumblingly I hear, "And your name was Melissa, right? Not wierd stoplight stalker car girl?" Ouch, Eddie! You can't repeat the joke straight back to the person who just said it, you have to roll with it! 50 points for unique approach, -40 for lack of wit... so I give him one more chance. Short girls NEVER understand what the big deal is about height or why it sucks so much when they take the tall men and leave the scrawny ones for us giantesses... I really am 5'10" in my bare feet and I like cute shoes and tall men. Short men don't do anything for me at all, and believe me I've given it the old college try. So you can see what's coming... "Got a question for ya, Eddie. How tall are you?" Now, guys under 6'4" tend to add at least an inch to their height (same way girls over 120 drop 20 pounds every time), so when I hear 5'9", this is over for me, seriously. Unfortunately, Eddie thinks we've made a connection and is still fighting his cause. He wants to know do I dance, because he likes to take his women dancing, and sometimes we have to just not get everything on our wish list wah wah wah, wah wah... hello Charlie Brown's teacher! Seriously. I'm beginning to believe in matchmaking, because if this is what's left out there, I need a few more cats!

The nail in the coffin for poor Eddie, though, was when he called Tuesday morning and sounded genuinely surprised that I was working. To his credit, though, after I blew off calling him back that night he really did get the hint and hasn't called since... and while Eddie will never get the chance to be Mr. Yearbook Girl, he definitely so far gets the award for most creative pickup to date!

5.06.2009

Cherish each day

What is more distracting:
A. lyrics
B. v-neck
C. pitch
D. background vocals



Thank you for posting this, Pastor The Reverend Karl.

5.05.2009

Medical conditions

So a guy I know through a friend decided to join a Christian dating site [gotta be safe ya know, weed out the crazies], and a few days into it he got a message from a woman (no picture included on her profile), which said:
"We have a lot in common, you seem like a great guy, we should get together and do drinks sometime. I do have to warn you though, due to a medical condition we could never be anything more than friends."
At the risk of sounding like a complete jerk, I just HAVE to wonder what that means. The mind just runs wild. And...does he accept just to find out?

5.04.2009

Sick days

How did I manage sick days before Netflix?

4.30.2009

Startling discoveries

Discovery #1
Bouncer…do you remember him? If you are very new to this blog you probably do not. You can find the original write-ups about him HERE and HERE. We have fallen out of touch and he stopped working at the club I was going to so I have not even seen him in probably about a year. BUT, we are facebook friends [I had to find SOME way to continue to stalk his pretty pretty face]. Well, just this week an update popped into my news feed that alerted me to some startling news. Bouncer…just had a baby! A BABY. As in knocked a girl up – child support payments – responsibility – baby mama – BABY. Um…yikes. I guess I am now glad that we didn’t go out anymore…

Discovery #2
Cam. Remember the beautiful salsa dancer that was better left at a distance? I mean, he is undeniably beautiful – but the chemistry was not there. My roommate was able to strike up a conversation with him the other night and found out…he’s 21. As in…WHEN WE MET HIM HE HAD A FAKE ID. As in, I was hitting on an 18 year-old. GAH!!! Seriously, I did not think I was robbing the cradle THAT much. I would have put him at early to mid-thirties at least!

I don’t quite think this is fair. Men should have to declare their age to you. I am not quite ready to become a cougar. Maybe I could in a very smooth manner just say “hey, can I see your license? I want to see if you’re an organ donor.” Or I could just pretend I am under 21 and say, “can I use your ID to go get us some booze?” They’ll NEVER see through it…

4.29.2009

Poll time

Okay, here's the deal. There is a boy named "Jameson" that I think is cute. As in...I somewhat lose all sense of witty composure I typically posses when I am in his presence.

Here are the facts you need to know:
1. I have "known" him for two years
2. I first met him when he was a TA for one of my classes - he seemed warm toward me then
3. Since the end of that course he has stopped by my office four times - for no apparent reason - to chat and catch up on my life
4. I have encountered him multiple times in our neighborhood coffee shop and each time he seems to linger in order to enjoy my conversation (please, who wouldn't)
5. Conversation seems to be that type that is partially awkward, partially magnetic. Driven by a tension we both know is there - each trying to be just witty enough but not say anything stupid.

I THINK he might be interested, I'm know I am.
BUT he might just be a friendly guy??

SO....
(if you voted earlier...sorry...had a lot of problems with the poll today - all fixed now!)

4.28.2009

Scared Sleepless

Did you read this on MSN? um....wow. Thank you, Olivia, for sending this to me. What kinds of excuses will guys come up with next?

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for "errands" and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f--k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

------------------------------------

Really? You slept drove over to her house? Talked to her? Had sex with her...and don't remember ANY of it??

Then how could we hold ANY of that again you?? Clearly you are the victim in this situation.

4.27.2009

Could have been different

Sometimes, even now, I can almost convince myself that my phone is going to ring at any moment with him on the other end.

He's calling to say he's sorry, he didn't know what he was thinking and he wants to be with me.

4.23.2009

Mixed messages

One of my roommates and I were walking down the street just this last weekend when a car full of boys drove by. With the windows down, heads protruding from the car, tongues hanging out they began to howl and bark like dogs.

Dogs?

Lets talk about this method of picking up girls.

I don’t know if you are hitting on me or trying to tell me I am ugly – barking at a girl can mean either.

This situation reminded me of the time I was walking along the street in Scotland and a car full of guys started making monkey noises outside the widow at the group of us girls walking by. Monkey noises?

Apparently all boys, no matter where you come from, thinks this is an effective way to communicate with women.

Animals = Score. That’s right. Keep trying guys. It’ll work eventually!

4.21.2009

The proper way to hit on your pastor

When paying a compliment to clergy it is, apparently, important that you clarify yourself. 

A friend of mine was a guest preacher at his local church in his hometown. He used to be on staff there so it is not uncommon to see him take the pulpit. After the service he was greeting several of the church members when he was approached by a precious elderly lady of about 91:

"You are my favorite pastor. I love you the most. But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with you."

4.20.2009

Sometimes i live my life in the middle

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.

On a totally unrelated note: I am going to a Britney Spears concert tonight. That's right. Be jealous.

4.16.2009

Coffee confession

I actually enjoyed a cup of Starbucks new instant brew coffee

Does that make me an inauthentic addict?

4.15.2009

Swept

I want to be swept off my feet. But boys think too much.

4.14.2009

Dating in a recession

Have any of you taken a chance to read the tasty goodness of my virtual friend and fellow blogger, [F]oxymoron? If not, you must dip in to this well of goodness.

He is witty and hilarious.

For starters, I give to you his post on Recession Dating found HERE.

Click, laugh, enjoy.

4.13.2009

Home

I am at home with my family at the present moment.

Comfort.
Love.
Rest.
Support.
Cold.

And never a dull moment...

Yeti: Are you ever going to be able to fill out a job application on your own?
G2: Yes!
K: Guess who still has to sign him up for all his classes at school.
G2: I COULD do that, but why would I when I don't have to? I KNOW HOW TO DO STUFF.
B: G, you have two different socks on that don't match.


G2: I kind of wish that guy had broken into our house. He looked pretty scrawny, I think I could have taken him.
Yeti: Oh, PLEASE!
G2: Um....have you SEEN my nunchuck skills??


K: I really need a job, but all the hospitals have a hiring freeze right now.
S: You want me to call the head of [insert local hospital name] for you? He used to touch my testicles.


B: Did K tell you? Do you mind if I bring it up?
K: No, that's fine.
B: She went to JAIL!!
K: A little context, please.
B: And they gave her a whistle.


B: I learn all sorts of great medical things from watching House
Yeti: Are you sure that stuff is accurate? You should probably check.
B: Naw, I usually just go with it.

G1: You don't remember me mentioning President Obama during my talk? Were you not paying attention?
Yeti: She was passing K tic-tacs
B: No! That was during the prayer....er....
G1: BUSTED!


It has also been filled with evenings around the dinner table playing games...like dominos. Or recanting old and embarrassing childhood memories. Visiting my grandparents at the nursing home. Reconnecting with a few old friends [miss you already djm]. And going to dinner at 3:45p just so they could get the early bird special of $5.99 for a burger, fries AND a pop [you call it pop in the midwest].

Thank you tax return for the spontaneous flight home...its been a great weekend.

4.09.2009

I'm poor

I really need it to rain so my car can get rinsed off.

Does anyone get a car wash anymore if it isn't free with an oil change?

4.08.2009

Sometimes i feel the earth move

I am convinced, probably about 15 times a day, that I am in the midst of a small earthquake. So much so that I have bookmarked THIS website so I can immediately go and check.

Is that odd?

I don't think they're clocking them right...they've missed quite a few right under my building.

4.07.2009

Sometimes it is best not to follow my example

Confession: I am not a nice person.

I talk a big game. But when push comes to shove – I have a hard time always putting my money where my mouth is.

I tell all of you that you should speak your mind, not do something you don’t want to do, just shoot straight, tell it like it is, blah blah blah. Apparently I freeze in the moment.

Allow me to share with you one of my worst moments so you can say mean things about me and make this boy feel better about himself.

There is a wonderful man that was beginning to show interest in me. We got off to a rocky start. I had offended him deeply in some way – I can’t remember HOW at this moment, but I remember he was mad and we had to go out to a 24-hour diner for greasy food to talk it out.

Everything seemed fine for us after that bitch session. He began calling me a bit more, emailing me, texting me…at first I didn’t see anything in it (other than I am still trying to rebuild this bridge between us) but then I began to wonder.

I came to a point where I decided that I had to say something along the lines of “I don’t think you are the future father of my children, just an FYI” only in a nicer way…just in case.

He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch one day and I decided that would be the PERFECT opportunity. Well, actually I didn’t know if that was right or wrong. Can you tell someone you are not interested in them when they have just asked you out? Nevertheless, I didn’t see any other options in the near future and I didn’t want to send it in a text so I had to jump on the opportunity. I decided that I would try and make it as un-date-like as I could:

I would pay
I would try to spill on myself
I would tell stupid jokes
I would talk about my mother…(KIDDING MOM!)

Only…none of that worked. There is only SO MUCH insisting on paying you can do until you just emasculate the guy. He paid. And then he kept the (pleasant) conversation going so I never got to my ONE agenda item during lunch. I decided I had to do it on the walk back to the office.

But then he got an emergency call. Perfect.

So now I just went on a date with him when I was trying to let him know I was not interested in going on a date with him.

But the really bad part comes next:

He calls me up a few days later to ask me out. He catches me off guard (although I can’t claim that COMPLETELY because of the entire story I just told you). I think the off guard part came from the fact that he called me on my work line…really?

Anyway, I believe our conversation went something like this.

Poor Guy: So, I know from reading your blog that you like it when guys are direct. So I would like to know if you would go on a date with me?
Yeti: Um….uh…..uh…[trying to leave her open space desk and run for an office with a door] uh….um….sure? I guess….we could….give that a try?
Poor Guy: Great! I was thinking we could go to this really cool concert venue in downtown. There are several concerts that look good to me so how about I send you the schedule for the [gives dates for one month from now] and you pick one that sounds good to you.
Yeti: um….okay?

I immediately leave the office I found and walk over to one of my co-workers (who is wise, and kind, and like a brother to me). I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SAID YES WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO SAY NO! I proclaim to him.

CoWorker: You have to call him back and say no. Right now.
Yeti: I can’t do THAT!!
[boring and redundant argument goes on longer…co-worker wins]

THIS is the part, my friends, I am not proud of. 20 minutes after I accept the date with this poor guy I call him back.

*ring* *ring* {VOICEMAIL}
That’s right…I left a voicemail…I didn’t have time to morally debate if that was okay. His message was really short!

“Hey, Poor Guy, it’s Yeti. Listen, I thought about it some more and I wanted to say thank you so much for your invitation but my answer is no.”

That’s it. That’s the message he had to listen to (and then hopefully immediately DELETED).

You can’t break off a date on a VOICEMAIL!! What was I thinking?

I am sorry, poor guy. If you still read my blog, I hope people give you some sympathetic loving comment support on here. I am a mean person.

4.06.2009

What REALLY happened in sodom and gomorrah

This isn't what I would call Biblically accurate, but it is what I would call funny...and I don't suggest watching it if you are easily offended.