Giving someone a chance

The last poll asked “If you are pretty sure you aren't interested in someone, should you still give him or her at least one date?” This has been a question I have debated myself for quite some time.

58% of you said Yes
33% of you said No
And…thank you to the 4 of you (7%) who chose my “it depends on how rich they are” option.

I am going to have to say I am with the 33% that said no. And this is only because of past experience. Let me make my argument:

I had a friend in college once tell me that I should give every guy that asked me out at least one chance – unless, of course, he was psycho or something. When he first shared this with me I thought it made sense. I mean, sometimes you don’t really know a person just from class, group hangouts, the club, a bar, Sunday morning, etc. and they could be different in a one-on-one context. However, the more and more I thought about it I did not really like his philosophy, at least for my personality.

One date feels like a foot in the door to me. If I give a guy one date it just makes it harder for me to let him know that I am not interested in him and would have no desire to make babies with him in the future. Maybe this is just my personality – I, quite often, have a really good time on a date even if I am feeling no chemicals with that person. So I can be completely authentic in saying “I had a really great time with you tonight” and even think to myself it would be great to hang out with them again, but be coming from a completely different place than them. I guess I just hate having that “…just so you know, I’m not interested in you. But let’s me friends, OK?” It would almost just be better if we didn’t go out in the first place if I was not romantically intrigued. Guys aren’t really interested in being your friend at this stage in the game they have enough friends.

That being said: if I have gone out with you that does not necessarily mean I am into you and have a desire to hold or be held by you. Sometimes I am just bad at saying no. We girls are never very easy to figure out, are we?

But say you give it that first date, that one shot to see if they can sway you: where do you go from there? Where do you draw the line on how much face-time you will give them to persuade you to fall for them? And maybe I am still idealistic but I kind of want a guy interested in and wanting me before I have to spend time convincing him on a date.

Maybe the four that picked the “it depends on how rich they are” option were on to something. Just being willing to go out with them is not the answer, but let’s not shoot them down so soon – I mean, they could have SOMETHING to offer ;-)


Michi said...

I totally agree. I voted no. I don't like to waste people's time (and money). I know within like 5 secs if I'd like to date someone.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how many of the people who voted yes were men? I can't speak for all guys, but I think for us it takes a little longer to realize "I would like to date her." Not to say that we aren't immediately attracted to someone. It's just takes longer to realize that you would want to date and have a relationship with someone. Granted there are guys who are up for the one-night thing, but that is really a different thing altogether.

charissa said...

"will date for food"
i... don't have a job yet.
and well, i'd wanna give the guy a chance to impress. besides, the awkward thanks, but no thanks convo gets easier after a while... HAH. i'm really not a jerk. really.

charissa said...

ALSO. the guy could very well not be interested in me after the first date.

Searching for the Yeti said...

cha...let's not kid ourselves. the boy is OBVIOUSLY going to be interested.

will date for food. i have always loved that philosophy of yours, but sometimes it is just not worth it.

charissa said...

"too many stories"
exactly. and what would this blog be without these stories? ;) hah. yeah... who are we kidding. i was just trying to be humble.

bETH vAUGHN said...

i VOTED YES. I actually have this philosophy. I'm pretty blunt and am able to have that conversation if necessary. A fact that I've noted: it's easier for me to convince a guy that I'm not interested, or that it won't work, if I have tried it. I can say, "the date was great" (or, "you're a pretty spiffy guy" if the date wasn't great), but "it's just not there for me". And they get it, and move on. I'm not one of those girls that likes her guy friends making eyes at her for weeks or months at a time. Or constantly saying no to them. Sometimes we're still friends after this exchange, and sometimes not. Either way I still think it's worth a shot. And really, every guy does get one try. I make up my mind pretty fast.

lizzo said...

ten points for using "no chemicals" in your blog. :D

and i agree with you.

Searching for the Yeti said...

well, Lizzo...those roommates of mine are rubbing off on me ;-)

and beth, good point with the "i have more of a reason to deny you" but i think i just suck at rejecting people - unlike our friend charissa here who apparently has gotten really good through practice ;-)

SingleDad said...

I'm in the NO camp, but for the opposite reason. I've had two online dating experiences. I went out to a Wednesday lunch with one woman, and it felt like there was lots of chemistry. So much that I told her that felt like I should cancel a date I had that Saturday with another person who had contacted me. The lunch woman told me "No! Don't cancel that date! You should go out with that person." Against my better judgment, I went out on that second date, and that person was really interested in me, and I was not so much interested back. It took me most of the rest of Sunday to get it across that I was not interested. I was exhausted. I called the woman from lunch on Monday, and she didn't want to see me again because I hadn't called her Sunday to tell her how the date (which I was not interested in going on) had gone. So, had I not gone on that Saturday date, something might have developed with the woman from lunch. I think if you are not interested in someone, you shouldn't go on a date with them. I prefer to be told. This is why I've pretty much given up online dating. Not that my success with 3D dating has been better.

charissa said...

question (that doesn't need to be answered, i just wanted to ask): are you talking about the first date as a date to see IF there is any (substantial) interest? OR.. is this a date with someone you already know a bit, and then asking you out, that kind of thing?

the kicker is... said...

"feeling no chemicals"? looooove it.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Charissa. It does get easier the more times you have the convo, and the more it is done to you. In my experience, both people usually know how the first date was. If there was no chemistry, they know it too, and there is no need for the convo. I guess its a bigger deal when you're talking about a friend. Which proves my philosophy that the friends sliding into dating thing is an urban legend.

And what is chemicals anyways? The chemicals I get often lead me to the wrong guy. The ones who work out are the guys who I feel good about on the first date, (sans chemicals) and steadily climb each following date.