i have a very funny friend - and her status updates on facebook always crack me up. i keep trying to convince her that she should start a blog, but she won't listen to me. something about three kids and blah blah blah. seriously, i don't know if i will ever have kids - i don't know how you mothers out there do it. it is exhausting!! you are heroes.

anyway, i thought i would share some of her status updates with you so that you can laugh to (you know, until i can convince her to start that blog...)

If I had known I was going to have acne for my entire post-puberty life, I would have enjoyed it a bit more in high school. At least then I didn't have wrinkles.

There's just something about new furniture that makes me gigglier than a toddler watching Barney. Wow, my examples have really taken a turn for the rated-G. Must find corruption.

Either I wear sweatpants way too much or my daughters' expectations are really, really low when I come downstairs in jeans and they exclaim gleefully, "Mommy, you look so fancy!"

For the record, it's best to put your pants back on BEFORE you go to retrieve something from your car in the garage in case you forgot that the garage door was up and your neighbor's kids are outside playing in the street.

I'd like to give the whole world a Sharpie and some duct tape. Only magic can happen.

I came upon a roll of toilet paper in the church bathroom this morning that had no beginning or end, kind of like God. I know that it's not as significant spiritually as, say, finding Jesus' picture in a potato, but there's gotta be a sermon in there somewhere.

New rule in our house: No going potty, wiping and then using that same toilet paper to wipe your hair. Please, make this a rule in your house, too, before it's too late. I suffer so you don't have to. That's the kind of selfless person I am.

is finding inspirational quotes to be more annoying than inspirational. I don't want inspiration. I want a margarita.

just read a list of salads that are full of fat and calories that people, in an attempt to be healthy, are apparently obliviously ordering from restaurants not knowing the hidden dangers. Taco Bell's beef fiesta taco salad was on the list. Really? This is breaking news? They come in fried tortilla bowls. I think the healthy jig is up right there.

realizes she might not be the most qualified swimming instructor when her daughter tells people, "I'm not a good swimmer, but I'm a great sinker!"

While shopping at Target today, a woman asked me which wipe warmer I used for my baby. I told her I didn't use one. She looked shocked and asked if I felt bad putting cold wipes on the baby. I told her that he bites when he nurses, so we're pretty much even. She looked even more shocked and said, "They bite when... they nurse?" I wished her all the best.

doesn't understand this whole over-specified coffee-drink thing. How many drinks did you have to buy before you found a combination you liked? Why not make it at home if you're that afraid? I love my high-maintenance coffee-drink-ordering-friends, but if your order takes more than one breath to place, then you shoul...dn't be drinking coffee-based drinks in the first place. You're already too high-strung.

Someone just stormed into my room and said, "You PROMISED me no one dies in Pinocchio, and now Pinocchio's dead!" Someone is going to owe me an apology very shortly.

If you can't park your Hummer on the first, second, or third try, then you need to get yourself a smaller car and get your gas-guzzling self out of my impatient way!

What is a Justin Bieber?

If you're going to have a bumper sticker on the back of your car that says, "The only reason I'm speeding is because I really have to poop," then it would behoove you to at least go the speed limit. If you go 15 under, then I really can't take your bowel situation seriously, and that's the real tragedy.

If I wasn't happily married to the love of my life right now, I'd most likely be putting all my time and effort into pursuing and marrying Trader Joe.

has spent 3/4 of my son’s college fund trying to find a bottle he'll actually accept, to no avail. Of course, if he doesn't master the bottle thing, then he's probably not getting into college anyway...


Justin said...

Love. It.

John said...

Skip the blog, tell her to put that stuff in a book and get it published and get some moolah out of it. Totally hilarious!

Dave and Betsy's Blog said...

Freakin' hilarious!!! Love her!