High school sweetheart

By the way, I am totally fine that the boy I loved all through high school just got engaged this last weekend. That’s not weird at all.

I mean...I didn't ACTUALLY think we'd end up together. And I only "high school" loved him...not really loved him. Which was proven by the fact that I wrote his initials on my ceiling with those glow-in-the-dark stars.

I'm feeling busy at the moment

Found HERE

I have a gift

A friend of mine turns to me the other day and says: "do you have some sign that says 'single and desperate' that only weird guys can see or something?"

point taken.

FML

Do you read FML? If not, you need to. HILARIOUS.

Here are a few to convince you.

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

Have a laugh...or two

**All cartoons compliments of Carolita Johnson. Check out her hilarious self HERE.

Texting

i m bthrd whn ppl dnt spl out wrds whn txtng. Wht is the pt of mkng thm shrt hlf of the time? It wld b esier 2 writ thm out.

String me along

You know what I hate about the male species? Just when you've finally gotten to a place where you can convince yourself "he's just not that into you"...they make ONE LITTLE INTENTIONAL POINT OF CONTACT to reel you back in to confusion. And we let them do it every time.

Men...they are dumb - but they are NOT so dumb.

Why ever leave the house

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Getting to the point

Here was a status update from a friend of mine recently on facebook.

"Mom-to-Be" just suffered a new pregnancy humiliation: a very elderly woman behind me in line at the grocery store looked at my un-ringed, swollen left hand and asked me, point blank in front of God and everybody, if I was planning on marrying the father! Oh, yes, she did!

Gotta love the good 'ol Midwest.

Bagpipes are hot

Okay. Confession [I do this a lot]. I am taking bagpiping lessons.

Okay. Now that we are over that shock, on to a recent conversation I had:

7&7: Are you going to blog about your Scottish bigpipe instructor?

Yeti: Not unless something exciting happens

7&7: What do you mean? He taught you how to BLOW into a chanter.

Yeti: Point taken.

denim

Okay...this ad is the SECOND denim jump suit (romper) I have seen this summer. Am I missing something? Am I supposed to own one of these?


























[The first one was Jillian Harris on the bachelorette]

What happens when you get married?

People often ask me if I will keep writing this blog when I start dating someone or get married. What will happen when all the fun pick-up lines and horrible first date's go away?

I have news for you. They don't go away [well, hopefully the first dates do].

Please enjoy three tasty examples from my beautiful and married friend, Robin.

You can't get rid of the Yeti that easily...

My life is too accessible

I have been on a kick lately of scaling back how much of my life I make available to people. I deleted over 800 friends off my facebook, put a bunch of people on limited profile, went anonymous on this blog, blah blah blah. I have just been feeling like my life is too accesible and there is no need for friends or strangers to be knowing THIS MUCH about me at every moment (don't even get me STARTED on twitter...what is the point?)

At any rate. Once I had made this decision, I had a friend request come through on my facebook from a name I did not recognize. It had a message attached to it...please see photo below:








Um...this is definately a guy I was matched with on eHarmony. We had been matched for about 4 hours at the time he sent me this friend request. FREAKY! I know we all stalk people on the internet - but you DON'T ADMIT IT THAT QUICKLY.

Weird.

Needless to say, I have now blurred out my tattoo so no one else can stalk me as easily...

Suave

So, there is this nice older (old) man that works for the same company I do. Not in the same department, but I see him around every few weeks or so.

He always tells these real corny jokes and laughs at himself a lot – just your typical jolly, friendly old man.

One day, I run into him in a stairwell. He stops me and this following exchange takes place:

Old: Good morning, Yeti! Say, can I ask you a question?
Yeti: Sure!
Old: Now, I’m 57 years old. You’ve gotta be…what? Mid-20’s?
Yeti: Sure. That’s about right.
Old: Wow, okay, right, that’s young. I am obviously too old for you. But let’s just SAY I were 28. If I were to ask you out, what would you say?
[Insert Dramatically Long Pause]
Yeti: Um…yeah, sure, you’re a funny guy.
Old: Awww….you make an old guy feel so good!!

WHAT do you say in that situation? I am in a lose lose here people. I can’t say NO…it is a hypothetical. What kind of crul person says no in that situation. But by saying yes, I have a somewhat creepy guy thinking “if only I were a bit younger…that girl would totally go out with me!!”

Ew.

LOL

I am not a big fan of the LOL. It seems overused and inauthentic.

This one is for the guys

Masseur

I don’t know if I have ever told you readers this before, but I am kind of a big deal. I have been trekking in Nepal before. That’s right…made it to Annapurna Base Camp. I puked when I got there…but I think that’s totally normal.

Anyway, part of what I love about trekking is the people you meet along the way. You are bound to meet people that will journey with you along the way to each stop. Our group found two such guys – Boom-Boom and The German.

Boom-Boom could provide us with several blog posts on his own – he was an exuberant Canadian man that was SO FUN I kind of wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home with me.

But the point of this post, is The German. All the trekkers that were staying at this mountain stop for the night were in the main dining area sitting at one table crammed around a little gas heater. It was FREEZING. I ended up sitting next to The German all throughout dinner and then afterward as my group spent some time in discussion and debriefing the days activities.

He was quite distracting.

First of all, he was really good looking. Second, he kept trying to engage me in conversation even though I was trying REALLY hard to pay attention to what was going on with my group. And lastly…he was apparently a masseur back in Germany, so he kept trying to give me a massage.

Dear readers, I cannot express to you how difficult this was to resist after trekking all day long – on Day 4 of a 7 Day trek in the Himalayans. He just sat there massaging my leg, then my hand and arm and then finally worked his way to my shoulders. Who was I to resist?

The best part though (and the point of this post) was as he was massaging my shoulders he took hold of my shirt, tugged it a little, and said: “I do much better massages without the clothes on.” [insert hopeful glance here]

Riiiight. Good try…real good line…but you’re going to have to prove that you are a professional by working around the clothing. Cause my shirt is staying ON.

earl

Things with "Earl" still bother me only because I feel SO misunderstood.

Girls have so many tricks

Found HERE.

Three way

I love vacation weekends. It means sleeping in, relaxing, and lots of time outdoors in the sun. On the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend some girlfriends and I headed out to the beach to catch some much needed rays of sunshine and downtime. Unfortunately the wind decided to puff up its muscles and show who’s boss right when we got there – but it was still an enjoyable couple of hours…all the way up to when we had to wrap ourselves in our towels to keep from getting freezer burn.

Anyway, after we headed back home and washed up we decided to head out for some dinner. We ended up at Jake’s Burger in Old Town and it was delicious. The chefs were really pretty friendly and we enjoyed joking around with them.

This is the part where I tell you about these annoying people that walk around Old Town selling flowers. I always feel awkward when I am walking with a guy and they practically harass them “pretty flowers for the beautiful lady?” I feel like I have to stick up for him, or say I hate flowers, or pretend we just got some but left them in the car. I don’t know…it’s weird.

So one of these guys comes into the restaurant. It is just three of us girls so I feel less pressure. We obviously do not want to buy OURSELVES a flower to remind us that we are single and have no one else to buy us these.

The, suddenly, mid burger-chomp, one of the chefs comes up to our table and presents us with a rose. “Sorry I could only get one for all three of you, you’ll have to share. But I wanted to get a rose for the beautiful ladies.”

One rose for three girls.

But I guess in these hard economic times – we’ve gotta take what we can get.

My favorite part was when we got up to leave after eating and he said, “Where are you going?” Sorry bud, the rose was nice, but not THAT nice.

Me and Kate = we're tight

Exchanges with the Latin Lover continue. This time, I leave you with a disturbing text exchange we had last week:

Latin Lover: “Have you seen The Reader?”
Yeti: “Yeah. Super intense, but really good.”
Latin Lover: “…I’m watching it right now and I do not know how, but it made me think about you!!”

Umm….I am pretty sure that is the most disturbing thing he could have said to me. I have no idea how that movie could EVER make anyone think of me.

I told a friend of mine at work about this little exchange to which he replied:
"Seriously, Yeti, I have to believe that someday you will meet a man who doesn't think you are a Nazi."
And for the rest of the day another guy in my office decided it would be hilarious to call me Nazi-Cougar. Well played...and disturbing.

WHAT could he have meant? HOW could that ever be a compliment?

Be careful what you pay for

The power of a clean car

You know what’s attractive? A guy with a clean car.

It does not have to be big or expensive or shiny or fast, but clean? It has to be clean. Clean makes you seem to have things together just a bit more. [And I’m not talking about washing your car once a week *cough* Jeff *cough* that would make me a hypocrite, I am just talking about keeping it tidy]

There are few things that turn me off more than getting ready to jump into a guys car and suddenly having to worry about that filthy mess penetrating my immune system.

If a guys car is a mess, that just puts up further obstacles. I am rethinking how close I want to get to him throughout the evening because I now question his personal hygiene. And even more than that I am suddenly uncertain about ever wanting to see where he lives – if his CAR is this dirty…imagine what his apartment looks like. I might never make it out alive!

Seriously, we’ll smile and pretend everything is fine, but inside we’re dying. Clean your car.

Mexican swine flu

And yet another text exchange with the Latin Lover

Latin Lover: "Hola Yeti! do you want to go dancing tonight?"
Yeti: "no bien. next time."
Latin Lover: "...poor senorita, rUokay? ...mexican swine flu? ...I am the antidote!! ...just kidding, be careful and I hope you get well soon. besitos!!

Grad school debt not a bonus

Easy Solutions

This is one of the most HILARIOUS things I have ever read in a long time. Please...click...enjoy.

***Warning: You may laugh so hard you pee your pants***

Link #1:
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway. What do you do?

Link #2:
So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you've never even said hello.

*Thank you to Matt for passing this along.

Beer Me

I met a Mexican guy salsa dancing. We shall call him my "Latin Lover." He is wonderful, ADORABLE and I couldn’t resist going on at least one date. What can I say? I love the attention!

We met up at a local Mexican restaurant in town for appetizers and margaritas. He was looking cute with his little vest and overwhelming cologne. About half way through the meal a woman came around to the table asking if we would like our picture taken…he insisted [$15 is a GREAT deal for a photo!]. It is now prominently displayed on my bookshelf (right next to the Please-Date-Me Card…I think I am trying to build a salsa shrine).

During our time at the restaurant he tried to get to know me a bit more by asking me what I enjoyed doing for fun and what I was studying in school. One of the courses I was taking was called “Intercultural Attachment.” To that he replied:

“this is perfect, you can practice right now, interculturally attach to ME!”

Ooooookay buddy. Good try. [it only worked a little]

A bit later in the evening he invited me to join him at his parent’s house for a family baby shower they were having for his sister. He then invited me to Vegas for the weekend with his brothers. [I don’t know WHEN he and I started dating, but he’s a very nice boyfriend…]

The date ended pretty well. He gave me a kiss – but I really feel no chemicals. He won’t give it up though. He is a pretty persistent dude. And the problem is I don’t understand half of what he tries to communicate to me. I have to have my roommate translate most of the text messages he writes to me.

He found out during the date that I really like beer so a few days after our date I hear a knock at my front door, but when I got up and answered it no one was there. I find a box with my name written all over it and inside is a variety of Sam Adams sample beer. Mmmmm…this might be worth a few more dates! Beer-grams? So much better than those crappy things we used to put in each other’s lockers at Valentines in jr. high.

The key to getting good gifts

**Thank you Justin for passing this along.

Attractive man slipped through my fingers

I saw one of the most attractive men I have ever seen in my life this last Sunday. While I was eating a burger (in a really dainty way) he walked by outside the restaurant window. I caught his eye and didn’t let it go cause I was trying to make a point “yeah, that’s right, I think you’re hot, you can come in here and talk to me.”

He didn’t really come in, but he DID walk by again 6 more times.

Had I been more witty in the moment I would have gotten up, gone outside and said: "Excuse me, you either find me very attractive or you are really lost – I can help you with either of those things."

But instead I let him just walk away…next time.

Optical illusion

An Open Letter to Simon

Dear Simon,

Jillian is stupid. Date me.

Warmly,
Yeti

--------------------------
Confession: I watch the Bachelorette.

Fact #1: I heart Simon Ambrose.

Fact #2: Jillian is dumb for cutting him last night.

Fact #3: I MAY have found him on facebook and added him as a friend.

Is that creepy? I mean, apparently he is single and looking (he let America know that when he joined the show). It would be unfair of me to hold back when I know that what he's looking for is ME. Plus he has an English accent. It would be unfair to myself if I didn't try to date him so I could hear it more often.

And while we're at it: I might be falling in love with Jake, Tanner P is creepy, Wes is annoying and Juan is an a-hole.

Drinks? Yes, please!

If a guy's not asking me out for drinks...there's no point.























Thank you, Josh, for finding this for me!

gChat

Here is a conversation I had with a friend last night. Let me know if you wanna set him up on a blind date with yourself...

9:12 PM Yeti: at the rate cougars fall in love with you, you’ll be FINE. Just find a cougar to be your sugar mama.

9:14 PM Mouse: cougars are terrified of commitment

9:15 PM Yeti: aren’t we all, I thought that was normal?

9:16 PM Mouse: I'm totally comfortable with it. provided that "it" is with a smokin hot english cellist between the ages of 18 and 25 who likes introspective literature, jazz, loves Jesus and has a propensity for understanding sarcasm.

9:17 PM Yeti: i could learn the cello....

9:18 PM Mouse: and it would be cool if she was moderately skilled at a variety of winter sports.

Twice rejected

One of the things I really loved about eHarmony was the ability to be rejected twice by certain boys. Think about it – if you put your setting as wanting to be matched with “Christian” or anything else rather specific then you are really narrowing down the pool eHarmony is going to match you with. (and even if you don’t I am convinced that there really aren’t that many people on there so they just match you with the other 20 people in your zipcode). This, for me, meant that I got matched with many many boys both at my school and church.

While it allowed me to know that I was probably not getting matched with some psychos it also afforded me the opportunity to get rejected TWICE by these guys. They would close me down on eHarmony (probably using a vague explanation like “other”) and then when I saw them in real life I’d get rejected again: the awkward avoidance, the “we should hang out in groups”, the look that I can only assume means you-don’t-really-look-like-your-picture.

It’s okay though, because I make myself better by convincing myself that they are sad pathetic boys that are afraid to talk to or ask girls out in real life. I just shoot them back a glare that says “I know your secret too, buddy! And you’re right, I don’t look like my picture, I’m hotter. And now that you closed me down you don’t stand a chance. And every girl here is going to know that you like playing cops and robbers or scrabble on the weekends. And by the way, you spelled scrabble wrong in your profile, it has TWO b’s…I can tell you are probably really good at it!”

Accents

What is it about accents? Seriously. I would marry a Scottish accent right now.

Keep on treading

A new way to get around and flirt


























Found HERE, click on the link for many other great and innovative ideas!

Learning the guitar

Country music...speak to me

You know you're in trouble when you listen to country music and start thinking to yourself "radio, you REALLY understand me. You're probably the only one who truly understand what I go through and how I feel."

Give beer to children

Stoplight

This is a great pick-up story submitted by one of my readers...enjoy! And send along one of your own!

------------------------------------------

So I was on my way to meet my friend for a movie and coffee on a Friday night. I was at a red light doing the usual waiting-at-a-red-light stuff, when I caught motion out of the corner of my eye. I look to my right out the passenger window, and the guy in the truck next to me is gesturing pretty definitely in my direction. In the midst of a dear-lord-whose-pet-is-dragging-from-my-bumper moment, I roll down my window only to hear, "HI! ARE YOU SINGLE?" Of course, priding myself on my witty repartee, I replied, "HUH?" He then proceeds to shout at me through my passenger window that his name is Eddie, he "doesn't normally do this" but he looked over and thought I was "really attractive" and wanted to know if I was single. It was dark, cold and I didn't feel I looked particularly enchanting in my chunky turtleneck and my hair in a ponytail, but apparently I have achieved the level of cuteness necessary in Bakersfield for a drive-by-pickup! Still proud of my legendary wit, I reply, "THANKS!" At this point the light changes color, and he yells at me to meet him at the cafe. As there are no cafes on the street and I'm still a little freaked out by the fact that he's pacing my car, I respond with "I have plans!" At this point, I'm thinking to myself that the low point in my social life was New Year's Eve, when I joined EHarmony and then went to bed at 10:30. So, the guy who thinks I'm cute at the stoplight and who drives a nice car ranks higher than that, and I shout my number out to him through the window.

Not 30 seconds later, my phone rings, and it's a number I don't recognize. I answer, and the first thing I hear is, "I'm not calling you calling you. I'm just making sure I have the right number." I laugh at him and, as my shock has ebbed and allowed the witty brain to take over from the dumbass blonde that was in control, I ask him to repeat his name for me. "It was Eddie, right? Not wierd stoplight stalker car guy?" I hear a strained sort of chuckle forced out (you know, the kind when the other person doesn't really get the joke but is laughing because he thinks he's supposed to...) and then fumblingly I hear, "And your name was Melissa, right? Not wierd stoplight stalker car girl?" Ouch, Eddie! You can't repeat the joke straight back to the person who just said it, you have to roll with it! 50 points for unique approach, -40 for lack of wit... so I give him one more chance. Short girls NEVER understand what the big deal is about height or why it sucks so much when they take the tall men and leave the scrawny ones for us giantesses... I really am 5'10" in my bare feet and I like cute shoes and tall men. Short men don't do anything for me at all, and believe me I've given it the old college try. So you can see what's coming... "Got a question for ya, Eddie. How tall are you?" Now, guys under 6'4" tend to add at least an inch to their height (same way girls over 120 drop 20 pounds every time), so when I hear 5'9", this is over for me, seriously. Unfortunately, Eddie thinks we've made a connection and is still fighting his cause. He wants to know do I dance, because he likes to take his women dancing, and sometimes we have to just not get everything on our wish list wah wah wah, wah wah... hello Charlie Brown's teacher! Seriously. I'm beginning to believe in matchmaking, because if this is what's left out there, I need a few more cats!

The nail in the coffin for poor Eddie, though, was when he called Tuesday morning and sounded genuinely surprised that I was working. To his credit, though, after I blew off calling him back that night he really did get the hint and hasn't called since... and while Eddie will never get the chance to be Mr. Yearbook Girl, he definitely so far gets the award for most creative pickup to date!

Cherish each day

What is more distracting:
A. lyrics
B. v-neck
C. pitch
D. background vocals



Thank you for posting this, Pastor The Reverend Karl.

Medical conditions

So a guy I know through a friend decided to join a Christian dating site [gotta be safe ya know, weed out the crazies], and a few days into it he got a message from a woman (no picture included on her profile), which said:

"We have a lot in common, you seem like a great guy, we should get together and do drinks sometime. I do have to warn you though, due to a medical condition we could never be anything more than friends."

At the risk of sounding like a complete jerk, I just HAVE to wonder what that means. The mind just runs wild. And...does he accept just to find out?

Sick days

How did I manage sick days before Netflix?

The best wedding dress yet

Startling discoveries

Discovery #1
Bouncer…do you remember him? If you are very new to this blog you probably do not. You can find the original write-ups about him HERE and HERE. We have fallen out of touch and he stopped working at the club I was going to so I have not even seen him in probably about a year. BUT, we are facebook friends [I had to find SOME way to continue to stalk his pretty pretty face]. Well, just this week an update popped into my news feed that alerted me to some startling news. Bouncer…just had a baby! A BABY. As in knocked a girl up – child support payments – responsibility – baby mama – BABY. Um…yikes. I guess I am now glad that we didn’t go out anymore…

Discovery #2
Cam. Remember the beautiful salsa dancer that was better left at a distance? I mean, he is undeniably beautiful – but the chemistry was not there. My roommate was able to strike up a conversation with him the other night and found out…he’s 21. As in…WHEN WE MET HIM HE HAD A FAKE ID. As in, I was hitting on an 18 year-old. GAH!!! Seriously, I did not think I was robbing the cradle THAT much. I would have put him at early to mid-thirties at least!

I don’t quite think this is fair. Men should have to declare their age to you. I am not quite ready to become a cougar. Maybe I could in a very smooth manner just say “hey, can I see your license? I want to see if you’re an organ donor.” Or I could just pretend I am under 21 and say, “can I use your ID to go get us some booze?” They’ll NEVER see through it…

Poll time

Okay, here's the deal. There is a boy named "Jameson" that I think is cute. As in...I somewhat lose all sense of witty composure I typically posses when I am in his presence.

Here are the facts you need to know:
1. I have "known" him for two years
2. I first met him when he was a TA for one of my classes - he seemed warm toward me then
3. Since the end of that course he has stopped by my office four times - for no apparent reason - to chat and catch up on my life
4. I have encountered him multiple times in our neighborhood coffee shop and each time he seems to linger in order to enjoy my conversation (please, who wouldn't)
5. Conversation seems to be that type that is partially awkward, partially magnetic. Driven by a tension we both know is there - each trying to be just witty enough but not say anything stupid.

I THINK he might be interested, I'm know I am.
BUT he might just be a friendly guy??

SO....
(if you voted earlier...sorry...had a lot of problems with the poll today - all fixed now!)

Scared Sleepless

Did you read this on MSN? um....wow. Thank you, Olivia, for sending this to me. What kinds of excuses will guys come up with next?

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for "errands" and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f--k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

------------------------------------

Really? You slept drove over to her house? Talked to her? Had sex with her...and don't remember ANY of it??

Then how could we hold ANY of that again you?? Clearly you are the victim in this situation.

Could have been different

Sometimes, even now, I can almost convince myself that my phone is going to ring at any moment with him on the other end.

He's calling to say he's sorry, he didn't know what he was thinking and he wants to be with me.

This is why i work so hard

Mixed messages

One of my roommates and I were walking down the street just this last weekend when a car full of boys drove by. With the windows down, heads protruding from the car, tongues hanging out they began to howl and bark like dogs.

Dogs?

Lets talk about this method of picking up girls.

I don’t know if you are hitting on me or trying to tell me I am ugly – barking at a girl can mean either.

This situation reminded me of the time I was walking along the street in Scotland and a car full of guys started making monkey noises outside the widow at the group of us girls walking by. Monkey noises?

Apparently all boys, no matter where you come from, thinks this is an effective way to communicate with women.

Animals = Score. That’s right. Keep trying guys. It’ll work eventually!

The proper way to hit on your pastor

When paying a compliment to clergy it is, apparently, important that you clarify yourself. 

A friend of mine was a guest preacher at his local church in his hometown. He used to be on staff there so it is not uncommon to see him take the pulpit. After the service he was greeting several of the church members when he was approached by a precious elderly lady of about 91:

"You are my favorite pastor. I love you the most. But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with you."

Sometimes i live my life in the middle

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.

On a totally unrelated note: I am going to a Britney Spears concert tonight. That's right. Be jealous.

And that's why you're still single

Coffee confession

I actually enjoyed a cup of Starbucks new instant brew coffee

Does that make me an inauthentic addict?

Swept

I want to be swept off my feet. But boys think too much.

Dating in a recession

Have any of you taken a chance to read the tasty goodness of my virtual friend and fellow blogger, [F]oxymoron? If not, you must dip in to this well of goodness.

He is witty and hilarious.

For starters, I give to you his post on Recession Dating found HERE.

Click, laugh, enjoy.

Home

I am at home with my family at the present moment.

Comfort.
Love.
Rest.
Support.
Cold.

And never a dull moment...

Yeti: Are you ever going to be able to fill out a job application on your own?

G2: Yes!

K: Guess who still has to sign him up for all his classes at school.

G2: I COULD do that, but why would I when I don't have to? I KNOW HOW TO DO STUFF.

B: G, you have two different socks on that don't match.

G2: I kind of wish that guy had broken into our house. He looked pretty scrawny, I think I could have taken him.

Yeti: Oh, PLEASE!

G2: Um....have you SEEN my nunchuck skills??

K: I really need a job, but all the hospitals have a hiring freeze right now.

S: You want me to call the head of [insert local hospital name] for you? He used to touch my testicles.

B: Did K tell you? Do you mind if I bring it up?

K: No, that's fine.

B: She went to JAIL!!

K: A little context, please.

B: And they gave her a whistle.

B: I learn all sorts of great medical things from watching House

Yeti: Are you sure that stuff is accurate? You should probably check.

B: Naw, I usually just go with it.

G1: You don't remember me mentioning President Obama during my talk? Were you not paying attention?

Yeti: She was passing K tic-tacs

B: No! That was during the prayer....er....

G1: BUSTED!

It has also been filled with evenings around the dinner table playing games...like dominos. Or recanting old and embarrassing childhood memories. Visiting my grandparents at the nursing home. Reconnecting with a few old friends [miss you already djm]. And going to dinner at 3:45p just so they could get the early bird special of $5.99 for a burger, fries AND a pop [you call it pop in the midwest].

Thank you tax return for the spontaneous flight home...its been a great weekend.

Some people were not meant to wear black

[hit: say no to crack]

I'm poor

I really need it to rain so my car can get rinsed off.

Does anyone get a car wash anymore if it isn't free with an oil change?

Sometimes i feel the earth move

I am convinced, probably about 15 times a day, that I am in the midst of a small earthquake. So much so that I have bookmarked THIS website so I can immediately go and check.

Is that odd?

I don't think they're clocking them right...they've missed quite a few right under my building.

Sometimes it is best not to follow my example

Confession: I am not a nice person.

I talk a big game. But when push comes to shove – I have a hard time always putting my money where my mouth is.

I tell all of you that you should speak your mind, not do something you don’t want to do, just shoot straight, tell it like it is, blah blah blah. Apparently I freeze in the moment.

Allow me to share with you one of my worst moments so you can say mean things about me and make this boy feel better about himself.

There is a wonderful man that was beginning to show interest in me. We got off to a rocky start. I had offended him deeply in some way – I can’t remember HOW at this moment, but I remember he was mad and we had to go out to a 24-hour diner for greasy food to talk it out.

Everything seemed fine for us after that bitch session. He began calling me a bit more, emailing me, texting me…at first I didn’t see anything in it (other than I am still trying to rebuild this bridge between us) but then I began to wonder.

I came to a point where I decided that I had to say something along the lines of “I don’t think you are the future father of my children, just an FYI” only in a nicer way…just in case.

He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch one day and I decided that would be the PERFECT opportunity. Well, actually I didn’t know if that was right or wrong. Can you tell someone you are not interested in them when they have just asked you out? Nevertheless, I didn’t see any other options in the near future and I didn’t want to send it in a text so I had to jump on the opportunity. I decided that I would try and make it as un-date-like as I could:

I would pay
I would try to spill on myself
I would tell stupid jokes
I would talk about my mother…(KIDDING MOM!)

Only…none of that worked. There is only SO MUCH insisting on paying you can do until you just emasculate the guy. He paid. And then he kept the (pleasant) conversation going so I never got to my ONE agenda item during lunch. I decided I had to do it on the walk back to the office.

But then he got an emergency call. Perfect.

So now I just went on a date with him when I was trying to let him know I was not interested in going on a date with him.

But the really bad part comes next:

He calls me up a few days later to ask me out. He catches me off guard (although I can’t claim that COMPLETELY because of the entire story I just told you). I think the off guard part came from the fact that he called me on my work line…really?

Anyway, I believe our conversation went something like this.

Poor Guy: So, I know from reading your blog that you like it when guys are direct. So I would like to know if you would go on a date with me?
Yeti: Um….uh…..uh…[trying to leave her open space desk and run for an office with a door] uh….um….sure? I guess….we could….give that a try?
Poor Guy: Great! I was thinking we could go to this really cool concert venue in downtown. There are several concerts that look good to me so how about I send you the schedule for the [gives dates for one month from now] and you pick one that sounds good to you.
Yeti: um….okay?

I immediately leave the office I found and walk over to one of my co-workers (who is wise, and kind, and like a brother to me). I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SAID YES WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO SAY NO! I proclaim to him.

CoWorker: You have to call him back and say no. Right now.
Yeti: I can’t do THAT!!
[boring and redundant argument goes on longer…co-worker wins]

THIS is the part, my friends, I am not proud of. 20 minutes after I accept the date with this poor guy I call him back.

*ring* *ring* {VOICEMAIL}
That’s right…I left a voicemail…I didn’t have time to morally debate if that was okay. His message was really short!

“Hey, Poor Guy, it’s Yeti. Listen, I thought about it some more and I wanted to say thank you so much for your invitation but my answer is no.”

That’s it. That’s the message he had to listen to (and then hopefully immediately DELETED).

You can’t break off a date on a VOICEMAIL!! What was I thinking?

I am sorry, poor guy. If you still read my blog, I hope people give you some sympathetic loving comment support on here. I am a mean person.

What REALLY happened in sodom and gomorrah

This isn't what I would call Biblically accurate, but it is what I would call funny...and I don't suggest watching it if you are easily offended.

Some ads were meant to scare

Tall glass of water

I have a friend [very unsuspecting always-gotta-make-a-joke funny man] that was at a wedding this last weekend. He got hit on and I wanted to share the story for two reasons:

1. It is funny
2. It is a brilliant pick up line. I really want to use it sometime.

Setting: wedding reception
{A woman is walking across the room with two beverages in hand}

Unsuspecting Funny Man: Which drink’s for me?
Woman: [slight smile, raise of one eyebrow] The middle one.

Worst april fools ideas ever

Allow me to help you all out a bit...if you are thinking about pulling an april fools joke on your loved one - may it not be one of these dumb ideas:

#1:
i want to send her an email on april fools saying that my coworkers are having a happy hour (which they are) and they all refuse to now go since i am not going, so i have to cancel going on a first date.
im hoping ill get an email back saying OH NO. lets reschedule, bla bla bla, and then ill give her the old APRIL FOOLS.

#2:
post a profile for a friend with their home number saying all they want to do is get laid...

#3:
If your friend is not married but has a boyfriend, let it slip that he is thinking about asking her to marry him.

#4:
Tell your boyfriend you are three weeks late

#5:
My girlfriend and I were at a local park, sitting on a blanket by the artificial lake, watching the ducks. It was a beautiful day and there were a lot of other people there; in fact, it was downright crowded. I said "You know, we should really go skinny dipping in the lake. Right now." She laughed and said something like "Yeah. Uh huh." But I kept talking about it. She kept insisting that I was full of crap. Finally, I said "Well, whether you want to come with me or not, I'm going in." And I stood up and took off my pants. She screamed and, to my surprise, ran. However, she only got about ten feet before she realized that I had had a pair of shorts on underneath my pants.

#6:
Tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you found out you have an STD

The power girls hold over guys

Let's talk about how girls can make money off of guys. I have talked about her before but I will talk about her again. My friend Olivia is A-stinking-mazing!! Her stories inspire me in ungodly ways :)

Here is one such story:

-------------------------
Once, my girlfriend Laine wanted to fly to Chicago to visit me (she lives in Houston). But the plane ticket was over $300. I told her to book the ticket and I'll think of a way to raise the money to help pay for it. When she arrived in Chicago I told her we're throwing me a bachelorette party! I was completely single at the time. But the guys didn't know that! So for one night, I put on a cheap vail ($12) a cheap tiara ($10) and I wore my old engagement ring ($??)

We drank for free at every bar. We got herded to the front of the line at every bar. The cover charges were waived for us at every bar. And Laine and I carried around a bag of Blow Pop suckers which we sold to drunk guys. We made enough money to pay 100% for her plane ticket and we bought ourselves Cubs tickets for the next day. Woot!
-------------------------

I don't think I have to say anything to this other than.....brilliant!

March madness impeeds judgement

This conversation overheard recently. Sadly, I am not sure whether they were actually talking about teams or boys, a dangerous thing to blend...

He's no Big Red, of course, but I still have an affinity for giant, shaggy, shapeless blobs (which, incidentally, gives me great taste in mascots, but a questionable dating history). And their primary mascot is a fellow named D'Artagnan, and he has a mustache.

Okay...so not all my ads will work on you

Marry for citizenship

The last poll question was about marrying someone to secure them citizenship. I have a friend that did this for one of her best friends and so far it has worked out. But there are certainly ramifications. I will say that I believe I have heard more NEGATIVE stories than positive ones when it comes to marrying for citizenship.

I got this question from a reader in Nepal. Nepal does not allow duel citizenship, but they do allow what is called “marriage visas” which is for those married to a Nepali citizen and wanting to stay in Nepal for as long as they like without getting a Nepali passport and giving up their country of birth passport, a non-tourist marriage visa is the best way. Changing from a tourist visa to a non-tourist visa can sometimes be a lengthy process and a lot of waiting around before they get to your file. But without one of these you typically have to leave the country every three to six months for a period of time.

I guess I don’t think marrying someone to get citizenship or a visa is a good idea, but if you have a standing relationship with them I can understand why you would consider it.

Some advice from the wee ones

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7


The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

How to love a black man

"Most women, generally, don’t have much trouble attracting men. A woman doesn’t need to work harder to please a man because every woman has what it takes to get the love of any man... And there is nothing else better than a BLACK MAN AND WOMAN IN LOVE. The problem lies in how to love him, keep him and understand him.

The role of a woman who is connected to a man of destiny is to condition and prepare him for his opportunity. Be sensitive to his dreams, and help him shine without minimizing him even though you make more money. Invest in making him look good.

When a Black Man captures the heart of a lover, he longs for pleasure not pressure. He was never conditioned for chaos, conflict or confrontation. Dr. Bryant delivers effective relationship advice with wit on how to pamper, feed, and love your man. Discover how you can condition your man and freely check him; assist him without him feeling disrespected and demeaned.

Every woman has near limitless power to give and get the very best spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally in a relationship with a Black Man."

This, my friends, is a SERMON. Not kidding. You can find it here.

The perfect christian dating profile

Hiiiiiilarious. <------ this is a link

A womans mustache

DON'T

How do you know you are in love?

I found this on the internet the other day and thought it was intriguing...thoughts?

How to Know if You're Really in Love

(original post...which is also a lot longer...found HERE)

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

1. You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
2. The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
3. If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
4. Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
5. When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
6. Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
7. Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.
8. You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
9. If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

Womanhood

An ode to cam

There is a guy that I have admired from afar salsa dancing for a while now. All three years I've been dancing to be honest. His name is Cam and he is a stunning black man that salsa dances beautifully.

Only one problem. He'll never dance with me. All of my admiring really has been from afar. He asked my roommate to dance maybe once when we first laid eyes on him but from then on he just dropped us. It was like we never existed. We were all regulars at the same place, saw each other EVERY week - but we were forced to just drool from a distance as we watched this unattainable beauty dance with all the other girls.

All of that changed last night. Cam asked me to dance.

I don't know if there was a lack of other girls or my combination of my shimmery silver top and messy bun wrung him in...either way, the dance I had long since dreamed about was going to take place. I was finally face to face and hand in hand with my salsa crush.

...and that's when the dream began to crumble.

First, he was wearing a v-neck and had irregular amounts of chest hair [granted this might not freak out many of you, but I have an irrational fear of hairy chests]. You don't notice these things when you admire from a distance.

Second, we just didn't mesh well, no chemistry, no heat! This perfect dance I KNEW we would have if only he'd ask me was only a myth in my head. He was the hardest lead to follow and I found myself continually saying "sorry, oops, so sorry." [And none of the mistakes even led to accidental ass grabs or boob grazes] And then I thought, "you're so good looking, and I've waited so long, this should be hot!"

Third, well, there is no third. He is still just a stunning black man.

He seems like a nice enough guy, just painfully shy and I never should have ever danced with him. It is the age old phrase I always say: "I don't want to meet you cause you'll only disappoint me"

Some boys are better left at a distance. Cause now after three long years I need a new salsa crush.

This is just wrong

I like chasing cars...

Nine words women use

This was a forward passed on to me...

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Anyone need viagra??

Apparently I know some people...

Mustache March

Mustache March is upon us again…and I am moved to write something about it. This “holiday” was something I never saw observed until moving to California. And even now I see that fewer and fewer participants join in – but something even more unnerving is happening – PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY ADDING MUSTACHES TO THEIR FACES ALL YEAR ROUND! And they are doing this on purpose. I don’t get this.



To help any of you men (hopefully) out there thinking about giving your girl a flip for a hairy upper lip…let me give you some feedback about a non-random sample I took on the feelings girls have about mustaches:

Yeti: "I think my great opposition to the mustache comes from my great LOVE for the beard, WHY would anyone cut off all of that other BEAUTIFUL hair leaving only the gross part? The upper lip is nothing without the rest of it."

Girl 1:
“March 1st marks the day when cute boys with full beards become... dirty pornstars."

Girl 2:
“This is the time of year when my guy friends turn into that creepy guy in the panel van the after-school specials told me to avoid. Yes; Tom Selleck can pull off the 'stache. You, my friend, are not Tom Selleck.”



Girl 3:
“I physically recoil when I think back to last March when my then boyfriend tried to grow a mustache. He was so proud of the rather scraggily thing growing on his upper lip that I didn't have the heart to tell him how much I didn't like it. I think he got the idea though when I became less and less enthusiastic about kissing him. He shaved it off by the middle of March.”

Girl 4:
My boyfriend didn’t participate in mustache march this year and I was like Yessssssss!



Girls 5&6:
#5: Have you seen your boyfriend today?
#6: Are you talking about mustache march? Yeah, I have.
#5: OH, GROSS... I had completely forgotten about that. Are people still doing that?
#6: He's pretty much a lone ranger. A lot of those guys work with children now... so the mustache just isn't appropriate.
#5: [laughs] mmm, yes. Probably a little too porny.

Girl 7:
“My boyfriend participated in Mustache March last year and when he shaved it off it was like the best day ever!”


And, since I felt I had to be FAIR…those trying to justify it did get a few good (slash mediocre) reviews:

“I love it! Mustache March is a fun tradition that the boys do and I like that they have fun with it. Besides, I often encourage facial hair. I probably like it more than I should, because I am single and therefore not dating anyone with a mustache. Which means I am not kissing them.”

“I'm such a proponent of facial hair on men that I cannot eschew it in any form, even in the questionable 'stache. I'm also a huge proponent of men who make me laugh. If they choose to do it by growing interesting things on their faces, so be it! I will laugh and love them anyway.”

So what do YOU think of the mustache??

Palmolive

When did my dad become hotter than me?

It is a sad thing when your dad gets hit on more than you when you’re out one evening.

My dad came to visit me a while ago and we went out to dinner at the illustrious California Pizza Kitchen. We had a very nice waiter that took quite a liking to my dad. All throughout dinner he would refer to my father as “sweetheart,” “honey,” or “darling.” Whenever MY requests were taken a simple “what? Oh, ok, sure” was all I could get out of him.

And all evening long he would quite affectionately put his hand on my father’s shoulder all the while laughing at his [stupid] jokes. I could barely get him to look me in the eye. I should have been the one he liked…I didn’t send my iced tea back 7 times!

It was just very strange when I am the one with the blog writing about bad pick-up lines, dates gone bad and various blunders that occur in my run-ins with the opposite sex - and this guy wouldn’t give me the time of day. I guess I now know where I got it ;-) Thanks, dad!

Not all advice is good

We women are hard on each other

Confession: we women are hard on each other – even if we don’t really know one another. When we first meet a guy the obvious first thing we have to do is find out whether he is taken or not [hand check]. And there is this strange thing that happens when women find out a man they think is pretty fantastic is taken. Whether this man is dating someone, engaged or married – the expectation is the same.

One of two things will happen…

We will be disappointed, but can’t really be upset because the girl he IS with is stinking amazing and they are really cute together. Somehow the fact that we can’t be with the guy becomes OK if he has chosen wisely in the girl he has decided to be with [I mean, if it can’t be us, it should be someone AS CLOSE to as amazing as us.]

Or we will just be annoyed because we didn’t meet him earlier. OBVIOUSLY he chose to settle because we were not in his life. We are simply annoyed that this man is not with someone fitting to his standard of awesome-ness. And, in some cases, we feel we must do something about it [I, of course, never feel this way].

All of life is a competition – and we women are watching each other WAY more than we are watching you guys.

Should you live with someone before getting married?

OK, I waited a really long time to write about this one…so long that the poll question has been moved down to the bottom of the page. I don’t really know as though I have much to say on this topic – but I did ask the poll question so I guess I have to chime in here a bit.

There are positives and negatives to this (Evangelical beliefs laid aside)

I will say that I am quite surprised with how NOT close the poll was.
66% of you said no
26% of you said yes
And the rest of you said it doesn’t really matter.

Today it seems somewhat culturally bound…and I think there are benefits – it helps you really get to know someone (people are DIFFERENT when you live with them). There are lots of habits we can hide for a while that just creep out when you spend more time with someone.

Then again…with it being so culturally bound, there are times I think when you are not held accountable to the level of commitment you would be if you were living with someone in marriage. If you live with someone before you get married there are certain pressures that are not necessarily met by commitment…I mean, I guess you ARE committed to one another to a certain extent if you have taken the step to move in together – but, it is different.

I guess I think this one tends to be a case-by-case type of situation. What do you think?