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If you do not immediately see the pattern let me help you…MEN WITHDRAW. Apparently. Unfortunately the post I did on this was pitiful – not even worth being hit by all of these wondering and questioning women and life partners. [If you want to read it it is here]. But I wanted to address this topic in more then just a throwaway post because it seems the world wants to know.
Now here is my only problem, I have no clue. I haven’t had, what do you call it, a serious relationship. I haven’t even given a guy the chance to withdraw from me. But here is what I glean from my conversations with others. [And I also offer this as an open forum for you ideas and comments].
What does it mean when men want to withdraw? Why does this happen? It could happen at any time: during a fight, in the middle of what seems to be a pretty healthy relationship, or simply in general while eating McDonalds or watching PTI [OK, that could just be because you are trying to talk while PTI is on…]
The trouble is every guy is different and there could be a million different reasons. All of you women searching for THE reason your guy is withdrawing – you aren’t going to find it here on the internet. Perhaps he is afraid of intimacy or the needed risk he must take to keep the relationship growing. Or perhaps he is afraid of losing you and would rather sabotage things (read as withdraw) and feel in control of the situation then end up getting hurt. Perhaps he has attachment issues.
Or maybe we are giving them all just too much credit. Maybe if they withdraw they just aren’t that into you…perhaps this is their way of slowly and subtly cutting it off hoping you’ll do it first?
At any rate…men, withdrawing isn’t working. The strong silent type attracted us, we liked that you were so mysterious, but now we need more.
9 comments:
hmmmm, profound. I am also not an expert in this area but I agree that there are tons of possible answers to this question.
P.S. What is PTI?
p.s.s. this is erika
men usually withdraw enough to pay for dinner. it's not cool to make her do that.
I think women (and perhaps gay men?) are trying to figure out what makes a relationship go funky. You know things were chill, confident and easy...and then they just aren't. It's all loaded and junk.
I think it's interesting that people are searching for "Why Men Withdraw" - like the funkiness must be the man's problem. I mean they're not searching "Why did I make my man withdraw?" Perhaps they should look at themselves as well.
But I think this invisible bump in the road is caused by that delicate dance of fear, vulnerability, gaging how much both parties are investing and not wanting to get hurt. You know, the stuff of relationships. I'm not an expert, but I would say, I don't know, set your boundaries and keep dancing.
There's no telling exactly what they might be afraid of specifically (agreed that it could be any number of things), but I think withdrawal is definitely a byproduct of fear.
That would be an interesting conversation as well (in my opinion): what types of unfortunate things does fear bring about?
Isn't it interesting that the first recorded Biblical account of fear resulted in withdrawal? (Gen 3:10)
Thanks for not lumping all of us together. Yeah...I know there are multiple reasons for why I would withdraw, and I am just one guy.
PS Erika, I was hoping you would swing by too. Maybe next time.
I have several thoughts on reasons for withdrawal based on my own experience and from talking to other guys who are a) aware of their own withdrawal, or b) annoyed that their girlfriends/wives complain of withdrawal (when of course there is none).
In the moment:
-nagging
-distraction (like sports, work, nearby stimuli)
-tiredness
In the relationship:
-annoyance with negative patterns in the relationship (like neediness)
-fear of good or bad developments in the relationship
-external "seasonal" distractions (like family, work, health, spiritual life)
In broader life:
-bad role models
-lack of good role models
-porn consumption (affects all the above)
I'm not a representative sample. I've always found it easy to love, and I want to hang in. I want to be, and strive to be, a relentless communicator. In my life, it has been the women who have withdrawn. Three relationships before I met Margery, who stayed with me in every way until her death, and now another relationship where I am invested and she has backed away. The ambiguity of silence (is it disgust? hatred? apathy? fear?) is crushing. I'm in the midst of that right now, and it hurts like I can't say.
There are truths to the stereotype of men withdrawing, but my own experience does not support that. To the men who *do* withdraw, please don't! It's not a withdrawal to say to someone "I don't know what to say right now because I'm still processing" especially if you can follow that up with "You'll be the first to know!"
great comment by kicker. i totally agree that withdrawal is strongly tied to fear eg past hurts/issues etc. i also think an interesting question is what fears lead to withdrawal and how do we combat those fears?
i mean how far can you try to combat them, is it even your role? is that love or is that trying to be fill a role that is not even yours to fill?
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