what to do with all this free time...

So, i just graduated. with two master's degrees. i know, i am super smart, try not to be intimidated. i obviously mean this for people who have never met me, because if you have - well, then you know i pretty much just faked it through most of those degrees :)

anyway, now that i am done i thought to myself "self, you have a lot of free time. you should maybe go one some dates cause you have not done that in a while"

so i decided to give online dating another try.

then i was quickly reminded of why online dating is so weird.

day #4 of online dating and i receive this message:

"Is it really you in the pictures? Or did you just post the pics of a pretty girl in order to attract and kill guys like me? You have to tell me if you're a creepy guy at a computer in someone's basement, ok?"

um....YOU'RE the creepy one. delete. i'll be sure to keep you posted on all upcoming adventures.

bieber

i'm not going to lie - i wish i had excuse to go to a justin bieber concert and not look creepy/pathetic. i've had two friends who have gone this summer because they got to take their daughter. what a great excuse! daughter! i don't have a 9 year old. i'd have to follow one around so when people look at me weird like "aren't you too old to be yelling 'I'LL NEVER KISS AND TELL JUSTIN" i could just lead over to some unsuspecting kid and say "i think our seats are this way sweetie" - but then her actual parents might get creeped out.

lucky parents.

So many reasons why this guy is not married

It physically hurts me to watch the video.

1. the guy is dumb.
2. he is actually calling out for his "mama". this, of course, is not strange. becuase why would he be calling out for a girlfriend or a wife? he wouldn't have one. he spends all of his time playing video games. for such long increments of time, in fact, that he gets disoriented and throws things at the screen.
3. he thinks hitting the top of the television is going to bring the picture back into clarity....



boys......can't live with 'em - can't kill 'em.

Nanny....er

A friend of mine brought my attention to the following craigslist ad [craigslist has the BEST ADS!!]:

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Nanny plus needed to perform basic motherly and wifely duties for young father and his 9 year old daughter :)

Must be single (no issues), nice looking and in good shape to keep up with hiking, camping etc....

Must be willing to join me and my daughter at Disneyland, movies, dinners out etc....

Must have transportation and live within 10 miles of Los Angeles county.

Please send current photo with short resume.

Thank you for your interest :)

Brad

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um....brad....that's creepy. Either look for a nanny or look for a girlfriend - but this is one area where it's not considered efficient to kill two birds with one stone.

Seriously an ad. I'm not kidding. He's willing to pay $10. Look here.

The funny things people say

I have a could funny quotes to share with you - that also make me slightly concerned about the depth and topic of conversations I have with people in my life:

Yeti: "we're going to fight a lot when we get married when we're 40 and both still single."
Boy: "I know. Our biggest fight will probably be where we are living. I wonder if a long distance marriage will work. I bet we could just do skype sex and weekend rendezvous."

Yeti: "even Spider thinks you should get a facebook to join the community."
Bee: "I'm glad for Spider. Still not sure I would call it community. That was a stretch for me. Facebook can't watch my kids or drink a beer with me while I watch a game or visit me in prison or at the hospital. ;). Although, I'm sure ole Zuckerman will appreciate one more soul in his cache!"

Yeti: Are you listening to that link I sent you yet? I am falling in love with this man. There are just TOO MANY GOOD ARTISTS! I am going to go poor buying music. And going to concerts. And my heart is going to run out of love for bearded men. Not really. My heart has an unlimited supply of love for bearded men.

paaaaarty

i think i'm becoming cool. i've always been the girl that's in bed before 10 because, well, i like sleep. and i get cranky.
but this week. i've been a party animal.
i went camping with the girls on friday in san luis obisbo. gorgeous.
i went to a gaelic storm concert on saturday night with an awesome girlfriend. bagpipes are good for my soul.
i watched football all day sunday.
i went to a mumford and sons concert on monday night and didn't even throw myself at them. restraint? yes, thank you.
and then i went to the king charles concert at the viper room on tuesday night. becuase he is awesome and has gorgeous hair and i don't even mind his mustache.

now i am going to go slip into a coma. becuase this weekend the landladies are having a halloween paaaaaarty. what to dress up as.....what to dress up as.....

write me a song

I think that the most romantic thing a guy could ever do for you is to write you a song. [or a song about you] But you can't ever tell a guy that cause that makes you sound pretty self-centered: "hey, i think i'm pretty neat so i think you should write a song all about how awesome you think i am and how i make your stomach feel like it's all tied up in knots....and if that's NOT how you feel about me, we should probably break up!"

anyway. thought i'd throw that up here to help other girls out. and then nonchalantly point my blog out to some guy and be like "oh, i totally forgot what i posted on october 15th, 2010...could you remind me?"

spelling

I realize I am not the best speller in the world. In fact, I misspell things all the time. But if you misspell obvious words, I'm going to judge you and probably not want to date you. I didn't say it was fair....but intertaining? really?

quotes

i have a very funny friend - and her status updates on facebook always crack me up. i keep trying to convince her that she should start a blog, but she won't listen to me. something about three kids and blah blah blah. seriously, i don't know if i will ever have kids - i don't know how you mothers out there do it. it is exhausting!! you are heroes.

anyway, i thought i would share some of her status updates with you so that you can laugh to (you know, until i can convince her to start that blog...)
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If I had known I was going to have acne for my entire post-puberty life, I would have enjoyed it a bit more in high school. At least then I didn't have wrinkles.

There's just something about new furniture that makes me gigglier than a toddler watching Barney. Wow, my examples have really taken a turn for the rated-G. Must find corruption.

Either I wear sweatpants way too much or my daughters' expectations are really, really low when I come downstairs in jeans and they exclaim gleefully, "Mommy, you look so fancy!"

For the record, it's best to put your pants back on BEFORE you go to retrieve something from your car in the garage in case you forgot that the garage door was up and your neighbor's kids are outside playing in the street.

I'd like to give the whole world a Sharpie and some duct tape. Only magic can happen.

I came upon a roll of toilet paper in the church bathroom this morning that had no beginning or end, kind of like God. I know that it's not as significant spiritually as, say, finding Jesus' picture in a potato, but there's gotta be a sermon in there somewhere.

New rule in our house: No going potty, wiping and then using that same toilet paper to wipe your hair. Please, make this a rule in your house, too, before it's too late. I suffer so you don't have to. That's the kind of selfless person I am.

is finding inspirational quotes to be more annoying than inspirational. I don't want inspiration. I want a margarita.

just read a list of salads that are full of fat and calories that people, in an attempt to be healthy, are apparently obliviously ordering from restaurants not knowing the hidden dangers. Taco Bell's beef fiesta taco salad was on the list. Really? This is breaking news? They come in fried tortilla bowls. I think the healthy jig is up right there.

realizes she might not be the most qualified swimming instructor when her daughter tells people, "I'm not a good swimmer, but I'm a great sinker!"

While shopping at Target today, a woman asked me which wipe warmer I used for my baby. I told her I didn't use one. She looked shocked and asked if I felt bad putting cold wipes on the baby. I told her that he bites when he nurses, so we're pretty much even. She looked even more shocked and said, "They bite when... they nurse?" I wished her all the best.

doesn't understand this whole over-specified coffee-drink thing. How many drinks did you have to buy before you found a combination you liked? Why not make it at home if you're that afraid? I love my high-maintenance coffee-drink-ordering-friends, but if your order takes more than one breath to place, then you shoul...dn't be drinking coffee-based drinks in the first place. You're already too high-strung.

Someone just stormed into my room and said, "You PROMISED me no one dies in Pinocchio, and now Pinocchio's dead!" Someone is going to owe me an apology very shortly.

If you can't park your Hummer on the first, second, or third try, then you need to get yourself a smaller car and get your gas-guzzling self out of my impatient way!

What is a Justin Bieber?

If you're going to have a bumper sticker on the back of your car that says, "The only reason I'm speeding is because I really have to poop," then it would behoove you to at least go the speed limit. If you go 15 under, then I really can't take your bowel situation seriously, and that's the real tragedy.

If I wasn't happily married to the love of my life right now, I'd most likely be putting all my time and effort into pursuing and marrying Trader Joe.

has spent 3/4 of my son’s college fund trying to find a bottle he'll actually accept, to no avail. Of course, if he doesn't master the bottle thing, then he's probably not getting into college anyway...

Goals

Another high school friend of mine got married.
My roommate just got engaged
And even more friends of mine are talking about marriage. [trust me, i really like that they talk to me about it....i'm not jealous]
Three more high school friends are pregnant.
And one I just reconnected with has had THREE children already.

So, I think it's time to set some high and lofty goals for myself.

1. find a guy with a beard.
2. go on a date.

baby steps people.

Apply Within

This is not my ad....but I swear it could be:

Emotionally Unavailable Woman Seeking Emotionally Unavailable Man

Apply within.

Drummers

It's time I confess something to you all...I have a disease. And it's called drummers. Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me - I've looked into it. And I don't think there's a cure. But every guy I fall for is a freaking DRUMMER. And most of the time I don't even know it beforehand, after casually talking for a while he'll be like "oh, yeah, did I mention I'm a drummer?" It's not even funny anymore. And franky, some of them aren't even very good at it - but ALL OF THEM WILL BE DRUMMERS. My subconscious will know if a boy has a sense of rhythm and likes to hit things (not, like, people....you know what I mean)

I think it started in High School. The first boy I really liked, left me (didn't really LEAVE me...but he moved away) to go be a drummer in a band. Maybe that's what started it all. From then on all drummers became the unattainable - the inconsistent unreachable. I'm more of a chaser than a commit-er. And drummers are good to chase. Plus they make really great faces when they play - and I like laughing.

Shirtless

I honestly don't think my neighbor's own shirts.

I mean, maybe I should be the kind, generous neighbor that goes out and buys them some. Maybe they don't know where to get them? Or they can't afford them? It is really hot outside....will this behavior continue when CA cools down? I'm sure one or all of them are just allergic to cotton.

All of this shirtlessness would be FINE if they were ugly. Or didn't lift weights in their sleep. Every time I see them (yes, all of them...or maybe especially one in particular) I have to consciously remind myself to KEEP BREATHING and DON'T FALL OVER. It's a lot harder then it sounds.

Seriously. Someone just buy this guy a shirt. Or all of them. Or tell them that doing laundry or walking their dog or sitting out on the front lawn or walking out the front door to look up and down the street shouldn't really work up that much of a sweat that they need to take it off.

Love Fight

Note to self: Never go skydiving with someone who is in love with the same man you are.

Belgian Love Rival

Also....probably not the best way to win a guy. I am guessing guys aren't into girls who murder people. Well, most guys.

marriage

For some reason the other night I got really stressed because I felt like EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD IS MARRIED OR GETTING MARRIED!! I woke up like really concerned about it. So I made a list of all of my friends that are still single (like, REALLY single, not even dating anyone) - and the good news is that I came up with a little over 50. I am pretty sure I could have come up with more if I had really tried to think about it - but I didn't want to depress myself just in case it became really hard.

I even included previous boyfriends who have OBVIOUSLY not been lucky enough to find someone as great as me to settle down with ever since we broke up.

So, I feel much better now. Apparently the ENTIRE world is not married....just most of it.

spammed

I received this email message from a friend the other day - pretty sure she's been hacked - otherwise she forgot my name AND thinks that I got a Master's degree is something waaaaaaaaaaaaay different than theology...

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Hey Thea,

My co-worker was diagnosed with shingles. crazy, huh! is there anything he can put on the sores to make them less painful or itchy? should he take aspirin or something for the pain?

he has an HMO and he worries if he goes to his doctor that they'll just send him to a dermatologist or something. so i thought i would ask your thoughts

Thank you,

O

Turning left

I was riding my bike home after work being a very responsible citizen, abiding by the rules of the rode and even using by hand signals:























I was about to turn LEFT (so I looked much like the above picture....except not a male)

A car that was coming the opposite direction (that I was waiting for before I turned into my neighborhood) put their hand out the window right before they passed me and gave me a HIGH FIVE!

Hilarious. And bizarre.

Luckily I am so coordinated it did not knock me off my bike!

reaching out

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this sign. Too long, actually - because someone passed it along to me a little over a year ago. But I can't for the life of me figure out what it could really pertain to.

This was found outside the library at a small Christian college in Southern California.




















Now, there are several conclusions we could draw:

1. This is an activity for missionaries. It is hard to find a date - you are a loser that wants to go live in a hut overseas somewhere and eat bugs. The school is going to bring together other people like you and help you get to know one another so you can find a partner to marry and move overseas with.

2. The students at this Christian school are SO BUSY with their studies that they do not have time to traditionally date (and let's face it, that can be pretty scary anyway, and Joshua Harris would not even approve) so some missionaries got together to put on a social where the kids on campus could meet each other - quickly - and still have time to get back to the library before it closes.

3. The Christian liberal arts college has started admitting people of other faiths - and the Bible classes they offer aren't doing the trick of "converting" them like they thought they would. So, they've decided the sweet smiles of the other Christian kids on campus might do the trick. So what better way to convert someone than to date them, right? Also the best way to learn a new language!
"Want to be converted? Come to our missionary speed dating!"
OR
"Want to make a difference in your world without having to travel to another country? Come convert heathens right in your own campus library. Bring $20 or a bottle of wine....er....grape juice."

Okay, that's all I've got - what else could it mean???

The secret behind doing well in a triathalon

This story was submitted to me by a reader....enjoy!

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So, when I was in my younger 20's I told myself I was going to do a triathlon. It never happened, so I added to my resolution the phrase "by the time I am 30." As I was nearing in on my 30th birthday reality set in, that it was now time. I commenced training and signed up for my triathlon.

I awoke early in the morning, road my bike to the triathlon and searched for my area in the "Clydesdale" section of the transition area. (This is where you store your bike, and swimming equipment.) I was waiting around nervously, and began to talk to other competitors. Out of nowhere, one of the men next to me said, "take a look at that!" For the first time that morning, I realized that our transition row was next to the 25-29 year old women.

The gentleman proceeded to tell me that he was a 6'2", 260-pound biking machine. We were starting on his weakest area, which was the run. He let me know that his strategy was to follow, "that piece of ass" he just showed me. I asked what if that slowed him down instead of helped him finish with a better time. A new guy chimed in, "a good piece of ass makes it worth it." He said he loved being in the transition area because then he knew the exact age of the women he was "trolling." Classy.

As we step up to the starting line, I find our hero lined up behind his new stalkee, and didn't see him again until after the race was done. Presumably he finished a few seconds behind our victim. Now you know the secret lives of the "Clydesdale" division.

WORD VERIFICATION

I have had to add word verification to my blog. Although not COMPLETELY annoying, it is kind of tedious to have to figure out what those ghostly letters are and then copy them into the box below. I get rather annoyed having to do it on every blog I want to comment on.

But here's the deal. I feel super popular when I get about 39 comments a day all coming through my inbox for me to approve. But then I get immediately sad when NOT EVEN ONE of those comments is real. They all want to tell me about where to get a great pizza or find a good magic show. Ridiculous.

So, in an effort to both cut down on spam and boost my self esteem - I am going to make all of you real people out there type letters. It should really only effect one or two of you [sorry mom].