Get to the point already

As lived and retold by my friend, Charissa. Enjoy:



borders bookstore, i'm sitting on a windowsill, browsing through a book. a man approaches me. he's maybe in his late 20s, dressed like he's coming from work, attractive (but not my type of attractive. i like cuteindiehipsters...he's more business-smooth).

him: excuse me, can i ask you a question?
me: sure (great. which one is he going to ask - where are you from? where were you born? what nationality are you?)
him: well, tell me what you think about this. is it wrong if a girl starts dating her best friend's ex-boyfriend?"
me: (entirely caught off guard) i'm sorry, what? say that again?

he repeats the scenario. i respond.

him: well, let me also ask you this. my friend has this girlfriend and she never lets him see us. we don't hang out with him anymore because she doesn't let him. what should i do? do i say something? i don't want to hurt my friend's feelings.

random, right? i assume that this guy is trying to hit on me, but not entirely sure where this is actually going. or why he's asking me this question? because i'm pretty sure i do not exude "relationship expert, ask me for advice." if anything, he should be paying me since i guess am trying to make a living off of this. HA.

i answer with some generic, basic advice...blahblah. and then i wait. is...he now gonna ask for my number? or...does he want to give me some context for why he asked them? ...and nothing. he asks me about the book i'm reading and then thanks for me for my time and leaves.

the hell? so i continue to browse through my book.

five minutes later, he comes back.
him: hey, help me find a book?
me: uh, sure?
he walks over to the psych/self-help/relationship section...
me: what type of book are you looking for?
him: i don't know...something in psychology. in this section
me: is....there something more specific? why are you wanting to find a book?
him: you seem like you would know some good books, what should i read?

i'm still confused at this point. but, i'm going with it. and the conversation is friendly, flirty. simply cuz... i am a flirt. i start pointing out a bunch of books that i've read (mostly for my mft classes). and so, it comes up that i went to school for counseling, that i just graduated...blahblah.
him: so what do you do now, that you graduated?
me: look for a job.
him: oh, so you're not working now?
me: nope. i'm a lady of leisure (if that doesn't attract a boy, i don't know what will)

then, all of a sudden,
him: whats your favorite color? (HUH?)

i answer. then he asks me what my favorite animal is. and then to name a body of water. and maybe one other question, i don't remember. i oblige. THEN, he asks me to describe three reasons why each answer is my favorite.
him: three reasons, why do you like the hippopotamus?
me: uh. i...like the word itself and that the plural is hippopotami. (yeah...i'm a nerd) and did you know that a group of hippos is called a bloat? a bloat of hippopotami. i learned that by doing a crossword puzzle. i like crossword puzzles. (again, if that doesn't attract a boy...)

so we go through this long thing of me describing my answers half-assedly. cuz really? this conversation is lame. and then he proceeds to tell me what my answers say about me and how people see me.

HAHA. WHAT. was he doing? assessing me? giving me some sort of personality test? is this eharmony, in real life? will he ask me out depending on my answers? is this what this whole thing has been all along?

finally, he says he has to leave for work soon.
him: so...how.... do we continue this conversation? (and ok, THERE IT IS, what he's been working toward this entire time)
me: i don't know... the ellipses here conveys my tone of voice and facial expression of giving him the opportunity to directly ask for my contact info, or to say well let's get coffee, or SOMETHING. because i am just not just gonna give homeboy my number if he is not going to be bold and actually ask me. no games here. and i would have given it to this guy even though i was not super attracted to him (let's remember folks, will date for food).

him: oh. uh... well...maybe i'll see you here again? (uh, THAT'S what you follow up with?)
me: sure?
well are you here often? i've never seen you here before
me: uh. how often do you come here? (is this a regular thing for him, scoping out the chicks at borders?)
him: maybe about twice a week...

and then there was a kind of weird awkward...big-gulps-huh?-welp-see-ya-later moment...
and we parted ways.

look. it's simple, really. sometimes you don't need to come up with some grand scheme to talk to a girl. just ask her out.


Olivia McCain said...

"will date for food" THAT'S HILARIOUS!!

The Gigglepuss said...

OLIVIA!!! I came on here just to comment on that very same line. I was dying.

konigsmark said...

Look I only go to Borders once a week and that works more times than you think.

Ipp said...

Let's give the guy credit, although his game was a rather obscure he set the table.

There were runners on the corners, two outs, bottom of the 9th, and he struck out.

The opportunity was there as the author makes apparent.

Which leads to the moral of the story... gentlemen: always carry a "Professional Boyfriend" business card in your wallet.

clj said...

ipp I like the card idea, just how smooth is that! But I wonder if being too smooth would be negative.

Anonymous said...

was his name apollo?


charissa said...

i don't even know what his name is. he did not introduce himself, and he didn't even ask for mine. HAH.

Lindsey said...

He sounds like he was following Seventeen magazine dating advice.

I loved your responses to his completely mundane questions. To continue w/ the baseball analogy, he was throwing you soft balls and you were blasting those things out of the park. Well done you!

sarah christoph said...

..."bloat of hippopotami!" Love it!