One of the interesting things about eHarmony was the number of Fuller students I got connected to. It was kind of depressing actually. I sit in class with half of these men – wondering why they never ask any of us women out – and then find out it is because they are trying to find women through the internet. This is why we are not being asked out…the guys are afraid to do it in person [I digress…]

I got matched with this one guy that I knew fairly well, we were not great friends but had friendly conversations every so often. Let us call him Track. Track requested “fast-track” communication with me. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with eHarmony allow me to explain…this is where you skip all of the steps Dr. Warren has so thoughtfully laid out and go straight to open communication [which is basically just writing emails]. I knew who he was immediately when we were matched [his picture gave it away] so I accepted figuring he just wanted to send a little message of “haha” and then we would close things out.

However, when I opened that first “fast-track” message up I did not find a “haha” and then some closure, what I found was an actual email, with some questions, kind of like open communication. Hmmmm. It was nothing too out there – pretty vague and ambiguous – just kind of friendly…but still.

Perhaps if I give you a bit more information about Track you will see why I think this is strange:
1. At the time he did this he lived in the same apartment complex as me. Um, how about you walk up the steps and knock on my door?
2. My phone number and email were posted in the elevator of our complex. Go ahead, grab a little notepad, head in there and write them down, and then use them.
3. I am pretty sure a couple of the times I got messages from him I ran into him right afterward at the coffee shop I see him at at least three times a week.
4. At the time we also had class two doors down from each other. Pretty sure I saw him every evening of class in the hallway. How about saying hello. Go ahead, plan ahead, and come up with some witty one-liner.

However, this is the same guy who one time told me “you are really good at awkward moments.” I think that just means I handle them well…or create them well? At any rate, I think that was his polite way of saying he feels really awkward around me. Perhaps that is why the computer was safer?

Why are we so afraid of people’s faces?


Olivia McCain said...

more times than not, my girlfriends are excited by being asked out...not put off by it.

Really Ambiguous Boy...normally said...

"Darlin"? Seriously? You even commented on the "what should women be called post?".

Unfortunately, I find way too much truth in what Julia wrote this time. I know that as a guy, it is pretty hard to put yourself out there. I know that around Fuller it is easy to feel like rejection lies around every corner, but the women deserve honesty. If the honest answer is, "I want to hang out with you to see if maybe I would like to ask you on a date," at least it's honest. If the truth is, "Yeah, I want to consider this a date," then that's the way that it is. Anyway, just my two cents.

D-Rock said...

(Because I am tired of writing the last few pages of my last paper and want a break. . .) Two things about "Darlin":

First, in Texas, it's a term of affection and not generally disrespectful. In the restaurant business -- in which I have participated too much in my life -- it's even more commonly used as a term of affection. If I call you that in life, it sounds weird to you. But not where I come from. So get over yourself! :-)

Second, just because I feel like contradicting myself -- I actually WAS using the word a little condescendingly in this context. I am well aware of a number of significant hindrances [things I am working on] to my personal dating success that could easily have led to the kind of "I wish we could all just be friends" comments you describe. Being a little bitter, I decided to take it out on you since you discussed the topic. Dear Lady, I apologize. (damn -- you don't like "Lady" either) :-)

B-W said...

Why are we so afraid of people's faces?

I think you know the answer to that. People (I don't think this is true of just guys, but certainly we're talking more about guys in this instance) are scared of rejection. And it's a lot easier, if rejected in person, to take that rejection... personally. It hurts.

No matter how you cut it, asking someone out is a risk. A risk worth taking, to be sure, and it's worth saying (as you often do) that people admire the courage of those who actually take that risk.

But I'm hardly surprised that people look for alternatives to doing what they really ought to be doing in this instance.

B-W said...

Oh, and *I* was offended as "Darlin'," too, and don't feel that "it's a Texas thing" is going to do much to assuage folks around here.

B-W said...

"AT," not "as"! Although that's actually kind of funny!

(Someday, Blogger will properly allow us to edit our own comments! At least, they ought to!)

Olivia McCain said...

i was just reading an Anne Lamott book over lunch "Grace (Eventually)" and there was a line that made me think of your blog about should you settle or not.

The line read something like "a good marriage is one where each personally secretly believes that they got the better deal"

the kicker is... said...

wow, that really is strange.
and these are some intriguing comments.

Although I live far from Fuller, I'll go on the record with: I feel honored when I'm asked out.
a) it's nice to have someone interested in me
b) I realize it's not easy for anyone to put themselves out there
c) If we can all act like healthy adults, we can enter into a dating situation with an open mind (as you seem to be able to do, Julia)

Maybe part of what I'm thinking - and I think is somewhat addressed in this post - is that at times we let our fears make things faaaaaaar more difficult than they need to be.

Maybe we can all be like the guy on the Bachelorette who, after not getting a rose announced "I wasn't rejected - she just chose someone else"

Might be a healthy balance!