Can Guys and Girls be Friends?

My last poll was about the ability of guys and girls to be friends without one of the two developing feelings for the other. Is it possible? Can guys and girls really just be mutual friends – can they just be platonic with no sexual tension or attraction?

My answer is no.
And I have to admit I was surprised by how close the vote was.
22% said Yes
46% said No
31% said Not at first but within time they can overcome any sort of romantic feelings
Granted almost half of you agreed with me in saying no, but I thought a lot more of you would [I mean, come on, I am always right].

I realize I can only speak from my experience, but I just don’t see how this works.
There have been too many times I have fallen for the “nice” guy that was just interested in being my friend, but I read it all wrong. His actions and intentions were friendships – but no one could be THAT nice to me without being interested in me. And I’ve been waiting so long for someone like him to come along, so how could I be satisfied with just a friendship? I try to push a little…and feel the sexual tension more…and then get hurt.

But then there is the other side. The side where I am the nice guy. I meet someone I just connect with and get along with in such a fun way. I love hanging out with him and feel comfortable around him. He hasn’t tried anything so I feel more and more comfortable being myself and not worrying he will get the wrong idea or try anything. So we hang out more and I let my guard down– and then one day it happens. The feelings come out – and then I’m the “bitch” that lead him on.

But I guess there ARE those rare cases. We can’t ignore them. I wouldn’t say they are in the “yes” category as much as the “not at first” category. There are those friends you have that you have known for quite some time that you feel so completely whole and comfortable with that you don’t really worry or think about that. But I don’t think you ever fully arrive there. I think there always could be that lingering question in the back of your mind “what if” or “maybe someday.” If not for the romantic feelings described above – for the convenience and comfort of the role they play in your life. I have a couple best guy friends in my life that I think would fall into this category. They don’t have feelings for me nor I for them in a romantic way. But I won’t say the thought of “together forever” has left my mind entirely when it comes to my relationship with them – if only for the fact that they are someone I trust, love and are completely at ease with. It is kind of nice when there is no guessing.

So that’s my take. Guys and girls weren’t really meant to be great friends – so when they try it doesn’t really work out. They just have a whole lot of sexual tension pent up between them and then forget how to talk to one another.

Woah Tiger

Sometimes this is what it feels like when certain guys are pursuing you...





















woooooah tiger...
[thanks Kristin for providing me with this lovely graphic]

Problems

Time for another pick-up line. This happened to a beautiful married friend of mine as she was walking down...you guess it, Walnut street.

-----------------------
I was walking and reading as I always do, but still moving at a pretty good pace. I cross the street and start approaching these two African American guys up in front of me. They are not walking at quite the speed I do, so I catch up and kinda work my way around them while at the same time continuing to read. Despite this, they try to talk to me:

Stranger: "Hi, how are you?"
Friend: "Great thanks, and you?"
Stranger: "Man, I'm bad"
Friend: "I'm sorry."
Stranger: "Can I talk to you about my problems?"
Friend: [knowing where this is going] "I'm sorry I really have to get back to the office"
Stranger: "Well, can I get your number and call you so we can talk about my problems?"
Friend: "I'm sorry, I don't think my husband would like that."
Stranger #2 : [laughs, smacks his friend on the shoulder] "Dude, her husband... [laughs some more]
Stranger 1: "OK, have a nice day."
Friend: "Thanks, you too, bye."

-----------------------------------------------
Wow. Guys will say ANYTHING to try and get a girls number. Problems? Really? Like that wasn't apparent in just a few minutes of talking to you.
And these guys sure gave up a lot faster then Mr. Los Robles...wish I had run into them on the street instead of him.

The Side Hug

The side hug is interesting to me. I understand the reasoning behind it: boundaries. They are always good to have. But let’s break it down:

A lot of the time girls might prefer the side hug. I think this is legitimate. Because let’s be honest. Half of the time guys are just trying to cop a BC (boob crunch) and that’s just awkward [and we can tell when you are one of those guys]. Or you have the guy that tries to hold on just a liiiiiittle too long – I would prefer if you hold me from the side, thank you.

But then you have the guys that don’t seem very creepy, but refuse to ever give you anything but a side hug. I mean, seriously, what do you think is going to happen? It is just a hug – you are not my young life leader, we are just friends, I think a hug would be ok.

I guess it’s safer…but a big ‘ol bear hug is just so fun!

My Gmail

I wish my gmail knew I was a girl...

Ambiguity

I have been dealing with a lot of ambiguity lately. And at first I was getting annoyed, but then I pondered it a bit. Sometimes we don't like ambiguity...but sometimes it is a good thing. We just get upset or depressed when the letdown comes. Sure, maybe I am being pessimistic and the letdown doesn't always have to come. But aren't you in a much better mood when you are living in the mystery - the wonder of what it could maybe possibly be? If you don't know what will happen you can still walk around with that big goofy grin on your face. But as soon as you try to push it a little...you start getting answers. And maybe they aren't the ones you want.

But then maybe there is something to be said for getting answers. I had a girlfriend once tell me not to really push a guy because you never know – you might be pushing the guy into asking some other girl out and then that would just be a bummer for you. But that might be good...cause then you find out either way. Either he's eventually asking you out or some other girl and either way you are able to come to a conclusion…

What do you think? Would you rather know or live in the mystery?

Vegetarian

Apparently being a vegetarian just got hotter...











































Sorry, but I just like meat too much.

Turnoffs

What is the biggest turnoff for a guy?
1. If he smokes
2. If he chews
3. If he cares about his car more then you
4. If he is flirty with bimbos at the bar while you are around
5. If he wears v-necks
6. If he has excessive body hair
7. If he has a psycho mother
8. If he gets drunk all the time
9. If he doesn’t know the capital of Minnesota
10. If he makes his own deodorant and it doesn't work
11. If he has a bad laugh
12. If he tells sexist jokes
13. If he checks himself out in every car window you pass as you walk down the sidewalk
14. If he eats with mouth open
15. If he can’t use chopsticks
16. If he wears board shorts to work
17. If he can’t use mental math to calculate a tip
18. If he doesn’t know how to talk to his grandparents
19. If he has a dog and doesn’t pick up its poo
20. If his myspace profile picture is still his football picture from senior year of high school
21. If he honks the horn a lot in the car
22. If he doesn’t realize clipping his toenails is a good thing
23. If he tries to correct your grammar
24. If he won’t eat McDonalds
25. If he only eats McDonalds
26. If he talks about his mom on all your dates
27. If he wears axe body spray
28. If he tattoos your name to his ass
29. If he tries to make you stop drinking coffee
30. If he still sleeps in bunk beds…

Go ahead, add some of your own.
And thanks to The Hulk for helping me with this list - you just GET me ;-)

Another V-Neck

My good friends Douglas and Erika were kind enough to capture this v-neck on the streets of Los Angeles after my post about v-necks. They are all around us people...and worse then we could have ever imagined.























Not only is his v-neck bad...he is wearing a FOX TAIL. Seriously? He had to consciously decide to stick that down the back of his pants before walking out the door in the morning. Welcome to LA.

Exercise

So, I started exercising again last week. That’s right. I am not an unhealthy person, but I do have a difficult time getting to the gym unless I have something motivating me. January 2007 I trekked to Annapurna Base Camp with Peak Performance – that motivated me to get in the gym to train so I wouldn’t keel over and die midway through the trek. Unless I have something like that I have a hard time working out. I hate running. I think this is the reason. I don’t even enjoy it a little. I have to trick my body into cardio. I go salsa dancing and my body just thinks it is having fun – she doesn’t realize she’s also getting a good workout. That’s the way I like to exercise.
WHY did I go running three times last week and then again this week? For a boy. That’s right, I wanted to impress a boy. And I can pretty much guarantee you he doesn’t even know. And I am also confident he would not be all that impressed with my 1.2 mile run around the neighborhood that ends in my gasping and limping home. Why do we do stuff like this to ourselves? Why do we passive aggressively beg for attention?
OK…back to salsa dancing and donating $28 a month to the gym.

Bunk Beds

The possessions people have can tell you a lot about them. That is why the more time you spend with someone the more you learn about him or her just by observing their junk.

Now, for some of you it might take a while before you learn what type of bed someone has [and maybe it should take a while? Not sure…I am not really normal]. For instance, the first time I hung out with The Bouncer, he showed me around his place [seeing a guys apartment for the first time is also a scary experience…more on that later] and the tour included his bedroom [I think he had high hopes]. I don’t know why I offered this information, but upon seeing his room and noticing that he slept on two thick mattresses on the floor I offered up the little tidbit that I still sleep in bunk beds [I hear that’s normal until at least 43??].

Now, this is not such an issue for me - but when I tell other guys I randomly meet [most often not at Fuller] it is quite a shock. I have to remind myself that where they come from that would be quite a disturbance to their evening activities...if their roommate one bunk up overheard what was going on.

So I would like to take this opportunity to thank my beloved bunk beds for helping to keep me pure and steer away improper boys with impure intentions. And give a shout out to my wonderful bunkmate Liz, who has slept four feet above me these last three years. We’ve learned nothing good happens after 10; thanks for keeping me in check Lizzo.

The Essence of Man

I am no fan of axe body spray [seriously, don't buy it, it smells disgusting], but they may have put out some pretty good ads here...













































Sorry to lump you all together guys, but this has just been the case one too many times...

Fast-Track

One of the interesting things about eHarmony was the number of Fuller students I got connected to. It was kind of depressing actually. I sit in class with half of these men – wondering why they never ask any of us women out – and then find out it is because they are trying to find women through the internet. This is why we are not being asked out…the guys are afraid to do it in person [I digress…]

I got matched with this one guy that I knew fairly well, we were not great friends but had friendly conversations every so often. Let us call him Track. Track requested “fast-track” communication with me. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with eHarmony allow me to explain…this is where you skip all of the steps Dr. Warren has so thoughtfully laid out and go straight to open communication [which is basically just writing emails]. I knew who he was immediately when we were matched [his picture gave it away] so I accepted figuring he just wanted to send a little message of “haha” and then we would close things out.

However, when I opened that first “fast-track” message up I did not find a “haha” and then some closure, what I found was an actual email, with some questions, kind of like open communication. Hmmmm. It was nothing too out there – pretty vague and ambiguous – just kind of friendly…but still.

Perhaps if I give you a bit more information about Track you will see why I think this is strange:
1. At the time he did this he lived in the same apartment complex as me. Um, how about you walk up the steps and knock on my door?
2. My phone number and email were posted in the elevator of our complex. Go ahead, grab a little notepad, head in there and write them down, and then use them.
3. I am pretty sure a couple of the times I got messages from him I ran into him right afterward at the coffee shop I see him at at least three times a week.
4. At the time we also had class two doors down from each other. Pretty sure I saw him every evening of class in the hallway. How about saying hello. Go ahead, plan ahead, and come up with some witty one-liner.

However, this is the same guy who one time told me “you are really good at awkward moments.” I think that just means I handle them well…or create them well? At any rate, I think that was his polite way of saying he feels really awkward around me. Perhaps that is why the computer was safer?

Why are we so afraid of people’s faces?

Dumb it Down

I have a nice little note to the right here that asks you all to email me if you ever have questions or comments or something you think would be fascinating for me to blog about. Here is an interesting question I got: Should we date people that we are afraid to disappoint or stick to those that who we are pretty confident we won't?
Should there be a healthy level of “this person is amazing, I don’t know how I ever got them!” or does that just eventually rip on a relationship in insecurities?
It has been pounded into my head since quite a young age “don’t settle” and it seems to me that sticking to someone you are pretty confident you won’t disappoint would be setting to some degree. Settling for someone who wouldn’t push you to be the best version of yourself. We all need a little something keeping us on our edge and helping us strive to be better then we were yesterday. I think having someone in your life can help you do that. Shoot higher. If this person is someone you are afraid to disappoint then perhaps you’ll try a little more to be exceptional and push yourself harder.
Now, this doesn’t mean changing who you are – because you can never go into a relationship doing that, or expecting that from the other half.
And this doesn't mean dating someone that makes you feel like shit because you think you will never match up to them. There has to be a balance there. Hopefully both parties feel a mutual sense of awe.
I don’t think you’ll ever truly be satisfied unless you disappoint your “other” every so often. It gives us a chance to grow. So I say shoot higher. Stretch yourself. And in finding someone who knocks your socks off perhaps you are just the person they were looking for as well.

Confirmation Bias

We all have those friends. The ones that are so head over heels for that one guy that maybe says hi to them every so often [and that is only because she “accidentally” ran into him]. Or maybe he even knows she exists and will share a meal with her in large groups, but she seems to think that indicates a happily ever after. He has never, to your keen eye; give her any sort of message that he is interested in her. You won’t say it could never happen, you’re just saying she’s kind of putting the cart before the horse. I mean, picking out wedding flowers before a guy has so much as shared interest in you is a little much [although I do think Calla Lilies were a great choice].

How does this happen? How can someone get so carried away without proper encouragement? Does she have hope that maybe something can happen in the future? Is that what drives us?

It is the confirmation bias - we see what we want to see and then convince ourselves of that. And then...we believe deep down that if this guy only TRULY knew us he would fall madly in love with us. He’s totally into me; he just doesn’t know it yet. It is a vicious cycle. And probably throw a little bit of the "it must be real" in there too. I mean the two of us have WAY too much in common not to end up together.

I don’t quite know why we do this to ourselves; I just know that most women/girls/females/human beings you meet will fall into this trap. I’m sorry but if he were really into you, you wouldn’t have to convince yourself [or talk your friends into convincing you]. Cause I think even the shy guys will buck up and say something if they were really that into you.

Soul Mates

I found my last poll interesting. 81% of you said you don’t believe there is one perfect person out there for everyone. Now, unless you were simply referring to your great uncle Ned, I am going to assume you were talking about YOUR perfect match. And I am curious…if there are many possible matches – where are they all hiding? I think someone started a big game of hide and seek and I am losing. We should have made the boundaries stricter because they could be ANYWHERE! Marco…

Sexual Favors

Not worth it, C's get degrees.

The Lady Kill

I have a friend [ok…I may or may not have had a big crush on him in the past] that hits me with these phrases all the time. Hey Lady! You’re such a special lady! or Hey Pretty Lady!

What’s with the word lady? I think it is most typically used when referring to ones aunt or grandmother. It is never a good sign when you get “lady-ed” by someone. Unless it is someone’s mother or grandmother telling their son you are a nice lady they should ask out – then, for some reason, the word is taken as a compliment.

One of my roommates tried to argue this with me. She said she thought it COULD be a term of endearment – I think she was just being a good [or bad] roommate allowing me to live in the illusion of my crush.

So what should you call a female in the 20-30 range?
If lady makes us feel old and undesirable.
Chick makes us feel like an animal or ditzy piece of eye candy.
Babe makes us feel like a sidekick or someone who just looks good on your arm.
Girl makes us feel seven years old [except I think I am OK with girl]
Miss makes us feel too polite or from colonial times.
Ms makes us feel pathetic and single.
Mrs just rubs in the fact that we aren’t [unless of course you are then…just ignore this one]
Mamn makes us feel old.
Woman seems to be the ticket. But somehow it feels funny to say. “I met a nice woman.”

So, women who read this blog, what do you think?

Xanga Stalk

My dad is the greatest. Really. He’s amazing. One flaw…[shhh, don’t tell him I told] He seems to think that I need a husband. Just read the front page of his website.

Anyway, typically this is not too much of an issue. He goes and speaks – runs into a guy round about my age – tells them he has a beautiful daughter they should think about marrying – yadda yadda yadda.

All of this was funny and did not really involve me until…Half.

My dad travels to Taiwan every so often for speaking and happened to meet Half at one of the school’s soccer games. A few weeks later I got a message on my Xanga [this was way back in the day, I had a Xanga…yes Cha, it is time to move on] from this random guy. Half seemed nice enough and was currently living in Taiwan as a middle school teacher.

His first message did not freak me out; it was simple, something to the effect of “your dad is great.” I quickly agreed.

His second message was a bit freakier, something to the effect of “he was right, he does have a beautiful daughter” and then he proceeded to try and get to know me better by asking me many personal questions. Um…no thanks. I tried to quickly shut down the conversation.

His third message he sent me pictures of himself, shirtless, after running a half marathon. Um…ok. I won’t go into an analysis of the photos now, but he should not have sent them. His message also revealed that he knew too much about me. He said such statements like “I would love to maybe move to Nepal one day.” Hmmm…

After calling and relentlessly mocking my father for getting me into this situation [I believe my words were "do you tell men I am single and desperate and looking for a digital fairy tale?"] I began ignoring Half’s emails and he eventually stopped sending them. I have since deleted my Xanga and hopefully he is not reading this now.

…And this is why I don’t believe in arranged marriages.

Religious Affiliation

My last poll was on quite an interesting topic I think. It is one that my girlfriends and I have long debated. It is one my parents would think there is no such debate about. Would you date someone of a different faith/belief? How important is that? Sure you could go along for a while – but then push comes to shove and I think it becomes pretty important.

When some of my girlfriends and I signed up for eHarmony we were asked what religious affiliations we were open to being matched with. This is what first started the conversation. I think I checked Christian, Buddhist, Spiritual but Not Affiliated, Agnostic, and Atheist. [We wanted to make sure we got LOTS of matches!] But once we started to get into conversations with these various boys we discovered a fundamental tension – there was just something different in their priorities and perspectives on life.

There was one boy in particular that one of my girlfriends went out with. He was perfect on paper, they had great conversations on the phone and he was goOoOd-looking. His profile had him marked as spiritual but not affiliated. After only their first date the discussion about God came up and they had to hash it out a bit. She came home from the date feeling a tension. They had respected what each other thought, but there didn’t seem to be a sort of reconciliation of the two in site – at least the sort of reconciliation that would be needed for a relationship to grow. She realized from that date that they didn’t just have different beliefs; he had not really invested time in developing his own beliefs and defining who he was. He had not even really read up on his Catholic upbringing, or read into Buddhism, or picked up a Bible, or dove into any sort of religious discovery. He seemed rather apathetic about it all. Religion is so meaningful to her that it was difficult to identify with someone who cared so little for the place religion played in his life. Maybe some religion is better then nothing at all.

And the same was true for my date with the bouncer – our first time out we ended up having an hour-long conversation about spirituality. He had significant obstacles from his past that kept him from feeling like he could trust Christianity or the Church ever again. And my first time out with d* from match.com [marked down as agnostic] involved quite a lengthy conversation about his love of baseball over God and how I should never try to change him or get him to go to church. So…where do I go from there?

I am not one for being exclusive – and I think what bothers me most is the label Christian and having to actually put that on an eHarmoney profile [wait! I’m one of the good ones!], but this might be one area where we have to be a little more picky. This is the most significant part of me – it defines me – it is the reason behind my passions and aspirations. That’s a hard thing to settle on.

Los Robles Part III

How about one more updated on the Los Robles Man?? Or shall we call him the worst mistake of 2008?

After getting your advice [well, some of you. I know there are more of you that read my blog then kindly voted giving me your advice on what to do…shame on you!] I decided just to ignore our dear friend. But he, unfortunately, did not ignore or forget about me.

If you would like to know the magic number of phone calls it takes to officially label you a stalker and finally get a girl to respond [albeit out of frustration] it is SEVEN. That’s right…the guy has called me SEVEN times without a hint of a response from me.

Can we say lack of social skills?

I shared a bit about calls 1,2 & 3 with you…calls 4-6 were hang ups when I did not answer. But then came call #7. And this is the message I received:

Yeti, sweetheart, this is Kevin. Are you studying hard or ignoring me or both? Thinking about you, give me a call huh?”

I decided I needed to respond in some way to that, I mean, he’s picking up SOME sort of vibe that I am ignoring him. And this WAS the seventh call. So with the help of my friend “The Hulk” [you like that ;-)] I came up with a text message reply:

“Kevin. I got your messages, you don’t need to call anymore. I admire your effort, but it’s not going to happen.”

Short and to the point. I thought it was perfect. I needed to say something, but I also had to just cut him off. The Hulk stayed with me for a bit to see if Kevin replied but he did not…we thought we were in the clear…

[45 minutes later]
“Wow, tell me y please & I will.”

I give up. I owe him no answers and I don’t even know what he expects me to say to him. Maybe something like this: Hey, Kev…why? Well, thought you’d get the hint by now. Really? 7 calls. You sweat a lot when we were talking. And your fingernails are too long. You seem a bit too old for me and your voicemails were lame. You don’t seem to have appropriate social etiquette and quite frankly I think you are a stalker.

I didn’t really send that – I just ignored his text back. And I have not heard from him yet, its been 4 days. I don’t yet feel like I am in the clear though, he’s gone four days before. We'll see.

But kids, please learn from my mistake of 2008. Don’t give your real number out to strange men that yell at you from their car window. The likelihood of them being normal is just not very high.