I am afraid of commitment – I will admit it. Maybe that is why most of these dates you have read about haven’t worked [Mr. Los Robles has now called me twice and I just…don’t want to call him back – this will make my sister happy]. I remember on the match.com date I told you about a while ago [you can read part I and part II here] my date asked me why I was on match.com and what I was looking for in a guy or out of a relationship and my first gut response was “NO! I don’t want a boyfriend! I don’t want to date anyone! I am my own person. I answer to no one but me.” [good thing I was on match.com]
There is a part of me that thinks once I enter into a relationship I give up my independence and what makes me who I truly am. I will have to compromise and answer to someone else and give up that independence that I love so much and hold on to so dearly. I am not so sure I am ready to give that up [or will ever be ready!]. I keep going out with guys – and have realized that I am just in it for the thrill of meeting new people. The high I get from knowing someone is interested in me – even momentarily. As soon as I let people get just a little too close I run away. “You can’t change me – I won’t let you!” What if they convince me not to ever go back to Nepal? What if I fall for a pastor?? Please God, No!!!!
I have amazing parents that have modeled a relationship that I still can’t believe exists. You would think that gives me faith that love like that exists in the world and I can have that too – but I think sometimes it did the opposite to me. Sometimes I think they just got lucky and that can’t happen twice. And I feel this tremendous pressure not to let them down – they could do it so shouldn’t I be able to do the same thing? What if I was to enter into a relationship and it were to fail? My mother has said to me “divorce is not an option” – and I understand that. Of course I wouldn’t want that to be the outcome of what I thought would be happily ever after but look at the divorce rate in our country! It happens more than we would like to admit. And what if I happen to be one of them? What if I let my parents down like that?
I guess I just have a ways to go on this journey. I have learned so much about myself since leaving college and can only imagine how much I will continue to grow in the years to come. Perhaps I will meet someone to grow alongside me – someone who could help me in that growth I need to achieve. Because as much as I am afraid of committing to another person and losing my independence, I think I am most afraid of truly being known.