5.19.2008

Giving up on "me"

I am afraid of commitment – I will admit it. Maybe that is why most of these dates you have read about haven’t worked [Mr. Los Robles has now called me twice and I just…don’t want to call him back – this will make my sister happy]. I remember on the match.com date I told you about a while ago [you can read part I and part II here] my date asked me why I was on match.com and what I was looking for in a guy or out of a relationship and my first gut response was “NO! I don’t want a boyfriend! I don’t want to date anyone! I am my own person. I answer to no one but me.” [good thing I was on match.com]
There is a part of me that thinks once I enter into a relationship I give up my independence and what makes me who I truly am. I will have to compromise and answer to someone else and give up that independence that I love so much and hold on to so dearly. I am not so sure I am ready to give that up [or will ever be ready!]. I keep going out with guys – and have realized that I am just in it for the thrill of meeting new people. The high I get from knowing someone is interested in me – even momentarily. As soon as I let people get just a little too close I run away. “You can’t change me – I won’t let you!” What if they convince me not to ever go back to Nepal? What if I fall for a pastor?? Please God, No!!!!
I have amazing parents that have modeled a relationship that I still can’t believe exists. You would think that gives me faith that love like that exists in the world and I can have that too – but I think sometimes it did the opposite to me. Sometimes I think they just got lucky and that can’t happen twice. And I feel this tremendous pressure not to let them down – they could do it so shouldn’t I be able to do the same thing? What if I was to enter into a relationship and it were to fail? My mother has said to me “divorce is not an option” – and I understand that. Of course I wouldn’t want that to be the outcome of what I thought would be happily ever after but look at the divorce rate in our country! It happens more than we would like to admit. And what if I happen to be one of them? What if I let my parents down like that?
I guess I just have a ways to go on this journey. I have learned so much about myself since leaving college and can only imagine how much I will continue to grow in the years to come. Perhaps I will meet someone to grow alongside me – someone who could help me in that growth I need to achieve. Because as much as I am afraid of committing to another person and losing my independence, I think I am most afraid of truly being known.

6 comments:

john page said...

Your last paragraph summed it up nicely....well said, and way to put your whole self out there.

Do you have to be "in a relationship" right now, at this point in your life? 30 is the new 20...most 20-somethings are waiting to get married and all that.
I'm just thinking out loud, but you're probably like many people, your age or not, so that would be okay, you know?!

lizzo said...

well said, bunkmate.

Kelley said...

Well, thank the Lord you aren't meeting that creepo of a guy. Maybe it's because i am a midwest girl - but that is NOT how things should be done.

And I loved your honesty. Well said. But you should take the pressure off yourself about mom and pops - you know they'll put you through a hell of a lot of pre-marital counseling. :)

Yanela and Mark said...

in my humble opinion, if God wants you to be married, you will meet someone who will love and challenge you to be the best you. and, God will help the both of you work together, so that neither one of you loses your identity.

on the other hand, mother theresa was a pretty kick-butt missionary who was "married" to the world...

Eric said...

You and the rest of our generation. I think it's a big step to decide that you (read: anyone in our generation) want to work on being less independent and attempt to give interdependence a chance, even though it's scary and we probably won't be very good at it at first.

B-W said...

What if I fall for a pastor?? Please God, No!!!!

Heh, heh. My wife Michelle had some similar concerns about having fallen for me. Too much baggage associated with being a "pastor's wife." Ironically, I'm not as likely to become a pastor as I thought, and she's in the ordination process to become a priest (something else she wasn't looking to do at the time)!