just play it COOL

‪The beginning of relationships are so fun and confusing and frustrating and exciting and terrifying and annoying and more words that I can’t think of right now.

You know when you get to that point where you are both timidly sure that you like each other but you’re still trying to “play it cool”? What does that even mean? Why do we do that? You just end up feeling like you’re playing mind games. [If I wait 6 more hours to text him back, he’ll think I was really busy and that he wasn’t on my mind and that I don’t really care about him that much and it’s not big deal and I don’t really need him and I’m not that clingy and I don’t over think things and I’m really easy-going]

I, personally, don’t know how to play it cool and be calm. I just don’t.

Part of that, I think, is projected on me by a relationship that ended badly and abruptly by a guy that completely freaked out when I simply said “I’m willing to give this a shot” – I am not quite sure if he heard me say “I want to marry you and have lots of babies”? But at any rate – he ended things and never called me again. A mutual friend of ours told me that I apparently "let my cards show" too soon and I needed to have more mystery.

???

But I seriously don't know how to do that. If I like someone, I like them. And I want to hang out with them and talk to them. So I don't understand why it is bad if I call or text them. Isn’t it mystery enough if I’ll be wearing sweat pants or actually put on a respectable outfit the next time they see me? What about if the next meal I cook them will be edible? What about how freaky my friends are going to be (*cough* SDGT *cough*) – there are plenty of other mysteries. We don’t need to go around giving people unnecessary ulcers about whether we’re interested in them or not.

best blog ever

Um....did I just find my new favorite blog of ALL TIME. ever? BEST. BLOG. EVER. beards.

i hate muscles

Girls do the funniest things.

For example, SOME girl I know, likes this new boy. So what does she do? Starts exercising again. You know, so she can be in good shape for all these hikes he talks about wanting to go on.

One problem, this plan has sort of backfired. You see, I (I mean, SHE) can't walk - and my arms don't work anymore. So, not only am I probably not anymore physically fit than I was one week ago, I now look like a grandma when I walk, I can't lift anything heavier than a sheet of paper and when he asks me why I am limping I'm going to have to come up with some excuse like--cold weather makes my hip hurt! Guys like girls that age prematurely, right?? You know, the ones that grunt with excruciating effort when they try to lift their arms to greet them with a hug?

He's one lucky guy....

Eric and BJ should not read this post

I told you a while back about a semi-creepy but mainly harmless co-worker that sometimes says suggestive if-i-were-younger-I’d-want-to-date-you comments to me. He’s actually been really good lately, hasn’t really said much to me. Only honked his horn or playfully gotten mad if I have forgotten to say hello to him as I have walked by. But the other day as I was walking to my car for lunch he asked me if I liked candles. “Of course!” was my reply because I always have them stocked in my house and burn them anytime I am at home. So he asked me to wait in the parking lot while he ran back to his office. He came back with several boxes of decorative candles. He handed them over to me and wished me a Merry Early Christmas. But made me sit there and open every box and then comment on how much I loved them and then smell each one. Only…they are really awkward looking and smelling candles. It was some of my best acting (you know, other than Date #4 in the previous post). Maybe I should not have accepted them – but that would have been rude, right? Or maybe I should have lied and said “No, I hate candles, how awkward is it when things MELT! Ew!” But, I didn’t and then when he was opening every box for me so I could adore them I just didn’t know what to do. So, now I have a bunch of pinecone candles in my house complete with santa and reindeer candle holder….and I have no idea what to do with them.

dating so far

So....update. you meet some unique personalities online.

I don't want to sound like I'm going overboard here, but I may have had four dates with four different guys this week... [side note: i am a bit overwhelmed]

Date #1: super interesting guy. works in the film industry. we went to a local pub and ended up chatting for about 4 hours. he made me laugh and the only thing that gave me pause was the fact that he admitted owning more props then he could fit in his garage [including, and i quote, "two chainsaws, one clean one and one with fake blood!"]. hmmmm.... at the end of the date he said "well, that was fun. i'm going to be really busy for the next week or two but it'd be fun to go out again" noooooot really expecting to hear from him again.

Date #2: cutest date ever. he called me up on saturday afternoon and asked me if i wanted to go to the dog park to play with him and his pup. he came to pick me up with starbucks in hand (for someone with an addiction this is heavenly). we went to the dog park and played around with his puppy for about an hour: throwing the frisbee, running around, chatting and laughing. Afterward we went to lunch at this fantastic rib place where he ordered this huge entree plate for us to share and then let me take home the left overs because he remembered I lived with boys. so not only do i love him, my roommates do as well. He has already called again for a second date :)

Date #3: well, it had to go wrong somewhere. imagine one of the most awkward loud talkers you've ever met in a really quiet hipster coffee shop. that was this man. he was afraid of silence. and he kept making statements like "i hate sports, but i love theater!"

Date #4: worst of all. he is a lawyer and has an inability to stop asking awkward and incriminating questions. he kept asking me how many other dates i had been on and how many more i had lined up....and then claimed it was just because he wanted to know when i would be free again in the future. he asked if i had ever dated an asian before. he told me i looked way better than my photos. he tried out a couple of pick-up lines on me. he remembered EVERYTHING about my profile and was offended that i didn't remember everything about his. throughout the evening he asked me out for the future several times: want to go rock climbing sometime? we should go skiing in big bear. have you been to the irving spectrum, we should go. you would love the americana we'll go to that soon. so what are we going to do for our next date? next time we go out i'll bring you pho, i make it the best.....AGH!!! i started running out of excuses and i'm a pretty good actress. perhaps my favorite part was when he asked me what talents i had, so i shared....then he said "yeah, i don't have any talents...but i do write poetry sometimes. like...what's your last name? i'll find something that rhymes with that and write you a poem real fast."

It has been interesting to say he least. But two good dates out of four is not bad - and one that could actually be promising is miraculous!

by the way...if any of you want to be hooked up with a lawyer i've got a number i could give you.

Cinepoem

I shared a poem I love with you in August - Tyranny of the Mirror by Ladonna Witmer. Here it is as a cinepoem. The struggle we all bare.

sometimes i think my gchat conversations could change the world

3:10 PM J: is today a holiday? where's the maillady?

3:11 PM the femail lady

3:12 PM me: no idea.

we got mail here

it is def. not a holiday

17 minutes

3:30 PM J: weirrrrd

3:31 PM me: i can't WAIT for lunch on thursday!!

J: i know! finally. . . it's been so long

me: truth!

did you go to yoga today?

3:32 PM J: nope im going in an hour. . . i didnt sleep till 5 am last night so i couldnt wake up for that

3:33 PM me: whoa!!

that's late

i went to bed at 9!

J: nice

i tried going at 11

did you get all caught up

me: on sleep? no, probably never. i could sleep for the rest of my life and love it

3:34 PM also, i could marry the sun.

J: sex would hurt though

me: probably even hugging

J: probably even coming within millions of miles of each other

hey dude

This guy I have been interested in and chatting with for a bit finally asked me out. I was beginning to suspect that all he ever wanted to do was send messages and chat online and it was getting a little daunting…I knew all it would take is ignoring him for a couple of days.

We really like him, on paper

Just one thing though, not sure what to think about the fact that he makes the subject of every message he sends me "hey dude". That’s weird, right?

I can't tell if he wants to be my friend or date me.

Or if he just forgets my name

Or if he is just a victim of the Joshua Harris/John Eldredge era and doesn't know how to talk to a girl he wants to ask out.