Startling discoveries

Discovery #1
Bouncer…do you remember him? If you are very new to this blog you probably do not. You can find the original write-ups about him HERE and HERE. We have fallen out of touch and he stopped working at the club I was going to so I have not even seen him in probably about a year. BUT, we are facebook friends [I had to find SOME way to continue to stalk his pretty pretty face]. Well, just this week an update popped into my news feed that alerted me to some startling news. Bouncer…just had a baby! A BABY. As in knocked a girl up – child support payments – responsibility – baby mama – BABY. Um…yikes. I guess I am now glad that we didn’t go out anymore…

Discovery #2
Cam. Remember the beautiful salsa dancer that was better left at a distance? I mean, he is undeniably beautiful – but the chemistry was not there. My roommate was able to strike up a conversation with him the other night and found out…he’s 21. As in…WHEN WE MET HIM HE HAD A FAKE ID. As in, I was hitting on an 18 year-old. GAH!!! Seriously, I did not think I was robbing the cradle THAT much. I would have put him at early to mid-thirties at least!

I don’t quite think this is fair. Men should have to declare their age to you. I am not quite ready to become a cougar. Maybe I could in a very smooth manner just say “hey, can I see your license? I want to see if you’re an organ donor.” Or I could just pretend I am under 21 and say, “can I use your ID to go get us some booze?” They’ll NEVER see through it…

Poll time

Okay, here's the deal. There is a boy named "Jameson" that I think is cute. As in...I somewhat lose all sense of witty composure I typically posses when I am in his presence.

Here are the facts you need to know:
1. I have "known" him for two years
2. I first met him when he was a TA for one of my classes - he seemed warm toward me then
3. Since the end of that course he has stopped by my office four times - for no apparent reason - to chat and catch up on my life
4. I have encountered him multiple times in our neighborhood coffee shop and each time he seems to linger in order to enjoy my conversation (please, who wouldn't)
5. Conversation seems to be that type that is partially awkward, partially magnetic. Driven by a tension we both know is there - each trying to be just witty enough but not say anything stupid.

I THINK he might be interested, I'm know I am.
BUT he might just be a friendly guy??

SO....
(if you voted earlier...sorry...had a lot of problems with the poll today - all fixed now!)

Scared Sleepless

Did you read this on MSN? um....wow. Thank you, Olivia, for sending this to me. What kinds of excuses will guys come up with next?

Dear Prudence:
I did something recently that concerns me on many levels. I am under a large amount of stress because I'm in an unhappy marriage (which we're trying to work out) and because my company laid me off. I am under treatment for depression. A week ago, my doctor doubled the dosage of my antidepressant and, because I'm not sleeping well, he prescribed Ambien. On Saturday morning, I confused the vials and took two Ambien. I told my wife what happened and that I would probably sleep all day and went to bed. At around 10 p.m., my wife commented on how productive I had been: mowing the lawn, cleaning up, grocery shopping. I remembered none of this and said so. She said her only concern was that I left for "errands" and returned two hours later with nothing in hand. I talked to my doctor Monday, and he told me Ambien can cause amnesia and that some people have reported walking, driving, and cooking in their sleep. I know now what filled the missing two hours. This afternoon, I got a call from a woman who called me "lover" and asked when I wanted to come back. She called me her f--k buddy. This is a woman I had talked to only twice before in social situations. I do not even know where she lives; maybe I phoned her for directions. I do find her attractive, but I am stunned that I did something like this. My wife is vindictive, and if I say anything to her, it will end our marriage. I do not want to continue a relationship with the other woman. What should I do?

—Scared Sleepless

------------------------------------

Really? You slept drove over to her house? Talked to her? Had sex with her...and don't remember ANY of it??

Then how could we hold ANY of that again you?? Clearly you are the victim in this situation.

Could have been different

Sometimes, even now, I can almost convince myself that my phone is going to ring at any moment with him on the other end.

He's calling to say he's sorry, he didn't know what he was thinking and he wants to be with me.

This is why i work so hard

Mixed messages

One of my roommates and I were walking down the street just this last weekend when a car full of boys drove by. With the windows down, heads protruding from the car, tongues hanging out they began to howl and bark like dogs.

Dogs?

Lets talk about this method of picking up girls.

I don’t know if you are hitting on me or trying to tell me I am ugly – barking at a girl can mean either.

This situation reminded me of the time I was walking along the street in Scotland and a car full of guys started making monkey noises outside the widow at the group of us girls walking by. Monkey noises?

Apparently all boys, no matter where you come from, thinks this is an effective way to communicate with women.

Animals = Score. That’s right. Keep trying guys. It’ll work eventually!

The proper way to hit on your pastor

When paying a compliment to clergy it is, apparently, important that you clarify yourself. 

A friend of mine was a guest preacher at his local church in his hometown. He used to be on staff there so it is not uncommon to see him take the pulpit. After the service he was greeting several of the church members when he was approached by a precious elderly lady of about 91:

"You are my favorite pastor. I love you the most. But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with you."

Sometimes i live my life in the middle

I'm not a girl...not yet a woman.

On a totally unrelated note: I am going to a Britney Spears concert tonight. That's right. Be jealous.

And that's why you're still single

Coffee confession

I actually enjoyed a cup of Starbucks new instant brew coffee

Does that make me an inauthentic addict?

Swept

I want to be swept off my feet. But boys think too much.

Dating in a recession

Have any of you taken a chance to read the tasty goodness of my virtual friend and fellow blogger, [F]oxymoron? If not, you must dip in to this well of goodness.

He is witty and hilarious.

For starters, I give to you his post on Recession Dating found HERE.

Click, laugh, enjoy.

Home

I am at home with my family at the present moment.

Comfort.
Love.
Rest.
Support.
Cold.

And never a dull moment...

Yeti: Are you ever going to be able to fill out a job application on your own?

G2: Yes!

K: Guess who still has to sign him up for all his classes at school.

G2: I COULD do that, but why would I when I don't have to? I KNOW HOW TO DO STUFF.

B: G, you have two different socks on that don't match.

G2: I kind of wish that guy had broken into our house. He looked pretty scrawny, I think I could have taken him.

Yeti: Oh, PLEASE!

G2: Um....have you SEEN my nunchuck skills??

K: I really need a job, but all the hospitals have a hiring freeze right now.

S: You want me to call the head of [insert local hospital name] for you? He used to touch my testicles.

B: Did K tell you? Do you mind if I bring it up?

K: No, that's fine.

B: She went to JAIL!!

K: A little context, please.

B: And they gave her a whistle.

B: I learn all sorts of great medical things from watching House

Yeti: Are you sure that stuff is accurate? You should probably check.

B: Naw, I usually just go with it.

G1: You don't remember me mentioning President Obama during my talk? Were you not paying attention?

Yeti: She was passing K tic-tacs

B: No! That was during the prayer....er....

G1: BUSTED!

It has also been filled with evenings around the dinner table playing games...like dominos. Or recanting old and embarrassing childhood memories. Visiting my grandparents at the nursing home. Reconnecting with a few old friends [miss you already djm]. And going to dinner at 3:45p just so they could get the early bird special of $5.99 for a burger, fries AND a pop [you call it pop in the midwest].

Thank you tax return for the spontaneous flight home...its been a great weekend.

Some people were not meant to wear black

[hit: say no to crack]

I'm poor

I really need it to rain so my car can get rinsed off.

Does anyone get a car wash anymore if it isn't free with an oil change?

Sometimes i feel the earth move

I am convinced, probably about 15 times a day, that I am in the midst of a small earthquake. So much so that I have bookmarked THIS website so I can immediately go and check.

Is that odd?

I don't think they're clocking them right...they've missed quite a few right under my building.

Sometimes it is best not to follow my example

Confession: I am not a nice person.

I talk a big game. But when push comes to shove – I have a hard time always putting my money where my mouth is.

I tell all of you that you should speak your mind, not do something you don’t want to do, just shoot straight, tell it like it is, blah blah blah. Apparently I freeze in the moment.

Allow me to share with you one of my worst moments so you can say mean things about me and make this boy feel better about himself.

There is a wonderful man that was beginning to show interest in me. We got off to a rocky start. I had offended him deeply in some way – I can’t remember HOW at this moment, but I remember he was mad and we had to go out to a 24-hour diner for greasy food to talk it out.

Everything seemed fine for us after that bitch session. He began calling me a bit more, emailing me, texting me…at first I didn’t see anything in it (other than I am still trying to rebuild this bridge between us) but then I began to wonder.

I came to a point where I decided that I had to say something along the lines of “I don’t think you are the future father of my children, just an FYI” only in a nicer way…just in case.

He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch one day and I decided that would be the PERFECT opportunity. Well, actually I didn’t know if that was right or wrong. Can you tell someone you are not interested in them when they have just asked you out? Nevertheless, I didn’t see any other options in the near future and I didn’t want to send it in a text so I had to jump on the opportunity. I decided that I would try and make it as un-date-like as I could:

I would pay
I would try to spill on myself
I would tell stupid jokes
I would talk about my mother…(KIDDING MOM!)

Only…none of that worked. There is only SO MUCH insisting on paying you can do until you just emasculate the guy. He paid. And then he kept the (pleasant) conversation going so I never got to my ONE agenda item during lunch. I decided I had to do it on the walk back to the office.

But then he got an emergency call. Perfect.

So now I just went on a date with him when I was trying to let him know I was not interested in going on a date with him.

But the really bad part comes next:

He calls me up a few days later to ask me out. He catches me off guard (although I can’t claim that COMPLETELY because of the entire story I just told you). I think the off guard part came from the fact that he called me on my work line…really?

Anyway, I believe our conversation went something like this.

Poor Guy: So, I know from reading your blog that you like it when guys are direct. So I would like to know if you would go on a date with me?
Yeti: Um….uh…..uh…[trying to leave her open space desk and run for an office with a door] uh….um….sure? I guess….we could….give that a try?
Poor Guy: Great! I was thinking we could go to this really cool concert venue in downtown. There are several concerts that look good to me so how about I send you the schedule for the [gives dates for one month from now] and you pick one that sounds good to you.
Yeti: um….okay?

I immediately leave the office I found and walk over to one of my co-workers (who is wise, and kind, and like a brother to me). I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SAID YES WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO SAY NO! I proclaim to him.

CoWorker: You have to call him back and say no. Right now.
Yeti: I can’t do THAT!!
[boring and redundant argument goes on longer…co-worker wins]

THIS is the part, my friends, I am not proud of. 20 minutes after I accept the date with this poor guy I call him back.

*ring* *ring* {VOICEMAIL}
That’s right…I left a voicemail…I didn’t have time to morally debate if that was okay. His message was really short!

“Hey, Poor Guy, it’s Yeti. Listen, I thought about it some more and I wanted to say thank you so much for your invitation but my answer is no.”

That’s it. That’s the message he had to listen to (and then hopefully immediately DELETED).

You can’t break off a date on a VOICEMAIL!! What was I thinking?

I am sorry, poor guy. If you still read my blog, I hope people give you some sympathetic loving comment support on here. I am a mean person.

What REALLY happened in sodom and gomorrah

This isn't what I would call Biblically accurate, but it is what I would call funny...and I don't suggest watching it if you are easily offended.

Some ads were meant to scare

Tall glass of water

I have a friend [very unsuspecting always-gotta-make-a-joke funny man] that was at a wedding this last weekend. He got hit on and I wanted to share the story for two reasons:

1. It is funny
2. It is a brilliant pick up line. I really want to use it sometime.

Setting: wedding reception
{A woman is walking across the room with two beverages in hand}

Unsuspecting Funny Man: Which drink’s for me?
Woman: [slight smile, raise of one eyebrow] The middle one.

Worst april fools ideas ever

Allow me to help you all out a bit...if you are thinking about pulling an april fools joke on your loved one - may it not be one of these dumb ideas:

#1:
i want to send her an email on april fools saying that my coworkers are having a happy hour (which they are) and they all refuse to now go since i am not going, so i have to cancel going on a first date.
im hoping ill get an email back saying OH NO. lets reschedule, bla bla bla, and then ill give her the old APRIL FOOLS.

#2:
post a profile for a friend with their home number saying all they want to do is get laid...

#3:
If your friend is not married but has a boyfriend, let it slip that he is thinking about asking her to marry him.

#4:
Tell your boyfriend you are three weeks late

#5:
My girlfriend and I were at a local park, sitting on a blanket by the artificial lake, watching the ducks. It was a beautiful day and there were a lot of other people there; in fact, it was downright crowded. I said "You know, we should really go skinny dipping in the lake. Right now." She laughed and said something like "Yeah. Uh huh." But I kept talking about it. She kept insisting that I was full of crap. Finally, I said "Well, whether you want to come with me or not, I'm going in." And I stood up and took off my pants. She screamed and, to my surprise, ran. However, she only got about ten feet before she realized that I had had a pair of shorts on underneath my pants.

#6:
Tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you found out you have an STD