Found Him....It

Guys...this is my last post on this site. Not that I've been posting with any regularity the last couple of years anyway. But I found him! Or....it. I figured out what I've been looking for all along was a mug. Seriously, changing my life. Go get one. Then you'll no longer have to be searching for the yeti like I was.

No Further Question

Um.....what?!??! I am not asking any follow up questions.

Christians Suck!

I am back online! I hate it - but 'tis the nature of being a single person in 2016.

My favorite thing is when men connect with you and start flirting based solely on your picture alone. And then three days later when they actually read your profile, they change their mind because you're a Christian.

Still Got It

[boy, 12-13 years old, rolls up on his bike]
Boy: Hey, can I get your number?
Me: [burst of laughter] Um...no.
Boy: Why not?!
Me: You're a little young.
Boy: I'm 19!!
Friend [of similar age] yeah! he's 19 and I'm 18! How old are you? 22?
Me: 30
Friend: WOAH! Um...yeah, we thought you were 22. You look 22.
Me: WOAH is right.
Friend: Um....have a nice day, I guess.

Yep....Stilllllllllllll got it!

His Best Side

A guy I got matched with on eHarmony put this up as his profile picture.

...attractive.

Don't You Wish YOU Were On OKCupid?

Message #1:
Hey, I think you're sexy. I am looking for a friend with benefits, let me know if you're interested - Andy

Message #2:
Hey there, have you ever talked to Jehovah's Witnesses? I used to be one.

Message #3:
you are very lovely. talk nerdy to me and i will talk geeky to you!

Message #4:
Serious question. You can only pick one, don't cheat! M&M, Skittles, or Tic Tacs?

I don't even know which one to pick they are all so TIED FOR AMAZING! Pickup line online are HARD.

Letters to Strangers

Dear People of the Internet,

Could someone out there please tell me what an appropriate first message to a guy online is?

I wrote this once: “Hey there! I thought you were attractive and cool…and then I saw you were also a 49ers fan! Doesn’t get much better than you!”

To be fair, he wrote back: “Thank you! Who’s got it better than us? Nobody! Duh.”

My roommate immediately mocked me. A lot. With a nice condescending pat on the shoulder while saying “it’s okay, we can fix this”

So I beg of you – tell me what my opening line SHOULD have been?

Motivation

Imagine the most gorgeous diamond ring ever (prettier than this random photo I found). That's my grandmothers ring that will one day be mine you are picturing in your head right now. You know....if I ever meet a nice fella to marry.

Sometimes my mother wears this ring on her right hand. Cause, ya know, it is hers right now.

I am home for Christmas and she is wearing the ring. She points it out to me:


Mom: Did you notice the ring I am wearing?
Me: Yes. It is beautiful! I want it!
Mom: Well......maybe....a little extra motivation!

Yeah......motivation was what was holding me back from finding true love. Not the fact that I seem to attract weird, homeless, spineless, obsessed with spongebob square pants, guys.

Me: But I also get it if you die, right? So.....little extra motivation!

And then I never heard from him again...

December 8th:
Him: I think spending more time together would be really great.

December 17th
Him: Hey, sorry I've been MIA...pretty heavy week. And work has been nuts! How are you?

Me: Sorry it's been a rough week :( I'm doing great. Just counting down the hours until Christmas break.

Him: Dang girl! Leaving so soon! So are you free tomorrow evening at all?

Me: I am unfortunately unavailable. I have church small group from 7-9:30. I am free Thursday evening or possibly Friday.

....and then I never heard from him again.

Higher Standards

Something tells me I need to have higher standards for myself.

I also need to stop giving my friends such great sound bites....