He's just not that into you

In honor of the film "He's Just Not That Into You" coming out recently, I thought I would re-post my counter-attacks. Live on ladies!! There's a fine line between disinterest and misunderstanding - and we will walk that line. This was originally broken up into two posts - so I apologize for the length (and to the 4 readers I had at the time I originally posted this):

-----------------originally posted February 2008-----------------

There is a book that has been around for a while now “He’s Just Not That Into You”. It was written by two of the writers for “Sex And The City”. I inherited this book after my year in college as an RA. One of the girls left it on the floor so as I was cleaning it out I kept it – now it is a great conversation-starter-coffee-table-book. I generally don’t think the book is that great – although girls do need to hear some of the things in there. We are so good at disillusioning ourselves and rationalizing everything. For example…some of my girlfriends and I sat down last night and cracked out the book. We thought of some "good excuses" as to WHY a guy might be into us despite what the authors were saying. So now, in a two-part series for your enjoyment…

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not asking you out:
Well…I intimidate him. It takes a lot of courage to come up a talk to me. I am pretty opinionated, independent and outgoing. Sometimes guys are afraid of being shot down. He’s nervous about ruining our friendship because it means so much to him. Besides, he DOES go to Fuller – those boys don’t ask out anyone. He just gets nervous. And, now that I think about it, I am pretty sure he kissed dating goodbye. He’s just really spiritual like that – totally focused on God. He’s just waiting for the Lord’s perfect timing – you know, a clear sign that I am the one he should ask out. He’s still seeking wisdom and godly council (which actually means he sits around with his roommates and says, “guys, she’s really hot”)

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not calling you:
Well…he doesn’t have a cell phone and he ran out of calling cards. (*cough* Phil *cough*). Or maybe he did get a cell phone but he’s just really low on minutes – he has the family plan and his dad travels a lot so he uses most of their minutes. And I think I remember him telling me he lost his phone the other day – or was it my phone number he lost? Yeah – that’s right, he put it in his pants pocket and then washed those pants forgetting that “precious piece of paper” was in there – those were his actual words. And that other guy went to the taping of American Gladiators and they confiscated his phone. Or was it that he dropped it in the ocean while he was surfing so all the numbers got wiped out? I am sure I just missed his text message. Come on. Why does he even need to call when we have class together!

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's not having sex with you:
Well…he's celibate – and as Konigsmark would say, "there's no such thing as celibate light – half the sex with none of the guilt." And believe me, he wants to but I am the one that said no. He’s just being respectful of me.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's having sex with someone else:
Well…he's just practicing so he can be really good for me someday. And it is just an outlet for his sexual tension while protecting my purity. What a great guy! He doesn't want to objectify ME so he sleeps with some other girl – because I am the one that is truly special. And I am pretty sure I remember him mentioning something about being a surrogate father.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's always drunk when he hangs out with you:
Well…he has this social phobia. That’s the great thing about us – I just really get it. Besides, he's in seminary, he can't think of witty things to say when he's sober – he gets nervous. He's just a really funny party guy. I don’t think it really has anything to do with that 12-step meeting I went to with him.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He doesn't want to marry you:
Well…one of the things I love most about him is the fact that he doesn’t want to conform to social norms. Besides, he is pretty old and set in his ways. It is hard when you’ve been selfish and living on your own for so long. And it would be hard for him to give up those bunk beds. He just really values MY independence and wants to save me from the pain of potential divorce – have you SEEN the divorce rates in our country. Better safe than sorry, right?

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's breaking up with you:
Well…he’s just confused. I’m moving and he just needs some time to think things through. He’s exploring his personal identity and just not ready for such a big (exciting!) commitment. He likes me TOO much that he is overwhelmed by it. I’m not worried…he’ll be back – she’s not that pretty.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's disappeared on you:
Well…maybe aliens abducted him, how am I supposed to know. And I don’t think he ever really told me what his job was, maybe he works for the government as a side job and he can't tell me. You know – “I could tell you where I am but then I’d have to kill you.” Or maybe he's in the hospital and didn't have any identifying information on him so they couldn’t call me. Besides, he sells jewelry at horse shows.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's married:
Well…she had to get her green card. Besides, they had to get married because he knocked her up at an early age – there was a lot of pressure. Their divorce papers are just being finalized. His wife is such a bitch…and I am pretty sure it only lasted this long cause of the kids.

He’s just not that into you IF…

He's a selfish jerk, bully, or really big freak:
Well…he was an only child and comes from wealth. And he tells me lots of stories of how he was bullied as a child – I think the cycle is just continuing, or this is him finally getting his revenge. Besides, it is all just a matter of perception – I think he is just misunderstood. Most drummers I know are like that. Or as Brittany says, “That's not true – a lot of really big freaks have liked me – I'm a freak magnet"