Some people were not meant to wear black

[hit: say no to crack]

I'm poor

I really need it to rain so my car can get rinsed off.

Does anyone get a car wash anymore if it isn't free with an oil change?

Sometimes i feel the earth move

I am convinced, probably about 15 times a day, that I am in the midst of a small earthquake. So much so that I have bookmarked THIS website so I can immediately go and check.

Is that odd?

I don't think they're clocking them right...they've missed quite a few right under my building.

Sometimes it is best not to follow my example

Confession: I am not a nice person.

I talk a big game. But when push comes to shove – I have a hard time always putting my money where my mouth is.

I tell all of you that you should speak your mind, not do something you don’t want to do, just shoot straight, tell it like it is, blah blah blah. Apparently I freeze in the moment.

Allow me to share with you one of my worst moments so you can say mean things about me and make this boy feel better about himself.

There is a wonderful man that was beginning to show interest in me. We got off to a rocky start. I had offended him deeply in some way – I can’t remember HOW at this moment, but I remember he was mad and we had to go out to a 24-hour diner for greasy food to talk it out.

Everything seemed fine for us after that bitch session. He began calling me a bit more, emailing me, texting me…at first I didn’t see anything in it (other than I am still trying to rebuild this bridge between us) but then I began to wonder.

I came to a point where I decided that I had to say something along the lines of “I don’t think you are the future father of my children, just an FYI” only in a nicer way…just in case.

He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch one day and I decided that would be the PERFECT opportunity. Well, actually I didn’t know if that was right or wrong. Can you tell someone you are not interested in them when they have just asked you out? Nevertheless, I didn’t see any other options in the near future and I didn’t want to send it in a text so I had to jump on the opportunity. I decided that I would try and make it as un-date-like as I could:

I would pay
I would try to spill on myself
I would tell stupid jokes
I would talk about my mother…(KIDDING MOM!)

Only…none of that worked. There is only SO MUCH insisting on paying you can do until you just emasculate the guy. He paid. And then he kept the (pleasant) conversation going so I never got to my ONE agenda item during lunch. I decided I had to do it on the walk back to the office.

But then he got an emergency call. Perfect.

So now I just went on a date with him when I was trying to let him know I was not interested in going on a date with him.

But the really bad part comes next:

He calls me up a few days later to ask me out. He catches me off guard (although I can’t claim that COMPLETELY because of the entire story I just told you). I think the off guard part came from the fact that he called me on my work line…really?

Anyway, I believe our conversation went something like this.

Poor Guy: So, I know from reading your blog that you like it when guys are direct. So I would like to know if you would go on a date with me?
Yeti: Um….uh…..uh…[trying to leave her open space desk and run for an office with a door] uh….um….sure? I guess….we could….give that a try?
Poor Guy: Great! I was thinking we could go to this really cool concert venue in downtown. There are several concerts that look good to me so how about I send you the schedule for the [gives dates for one month from now] and you pick one that sounds good to you.
Yeti: um….okay?

I immediately leave the office I found and walk over to one of my co-workers (who is wise, and kind, and like a brother to me). I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SAID YES WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO SAY NO! I proclaim to him.

CoWorker: You have to call him back and say no. Right now.
Yeti: I can’t do THAT!!
[boring and redundant argument goes on longer…co-worker wins]

THIS is the part, my friends, I am not proud of. 20 minutes after I accept the date with this poor guy I call him back.

*ring* *ring* {VOICEMAIL}
That’s right…I left a voicemail…I didn’t have time to morally debate if that was okay. His message was really short!

“Hey, Poor Guy, it’s Yeti. Listen, I thought about it some more and I wanted to say thank you so much for your invitation but my answer is no.”

That’s it. That’s the message he had to listen to (and then hopefully immediately DELETED).

You can’t break off a date on a VOICEMAIL!! What was I thinking?

I am sorry, poor guy. If you still read my blog, I hope people give you some sympathetic loving comment support on here. I am a mean person.

What REALLY happened in sodom and gomorrah

This isn't what I would call Biblically accurate, but it is what I would call funny...and I don't suggest watching it if you are easily offended.

Some ads were meant to scare

Tall glass of water

I have a friend [very unsuspecting always-gotta-make-a-joke funny man] that was at a wedding this last weekend. He got hit on and I wanted to share the story for two reasons:

1. It is funny
2. It is a brilliant pick up line. I really want to use it sometime.

Setting: wedding reception
{A woman is walking across the room with two beverages in hand}

Unsuspecting Funny Man: Which drink’s for me?
Woman: [slight smile, raise of one eyebrow] The middle one.

Worst april fools ideas ever

Allow me to help you all out a bit...if you are thinking about pulling an april fools joke on your loved one - may it not be one of these dumb ideas:

#1:
i want to send her an email on april fools saying that my coworkers are having a happy hour (which they are) and they all refuse to now go since i am not going, so i have to cancel going on a first date.
im hoping ill get an email back saying OH NO. lets reschedule, bla bla bla, and then ill give her the old APRIL FOOLS.

#2:
post a profile for a friend with their home number saying all they want to do is get laid...

#3:
If your friend is not married but has a boyfriend, let it slip that he is thinking about asking her to marry him.

#4:
Tell your boyfriend you are three weeks late

#5:
My girlfriend and I were at a local park, sitting on a blanket by the artificial lake, watching the ducks. It was a beautiful day and there were a lot of other people there; in fact, it was downright crowded. I said "You know, we should really go skinny dipping in the lake. Right now." She laughed and said something like "Yeah. Uh huh." But I kept talking about it. She kept insisting that I was full of crap. Finally, I said "Well, whether you want to come with me or not, I'm going in." And I stood up and took off my pants. She screamed and, to my surprise, ran. However, she only got about ten feet before she realized that I had had a pair of shorts on underneath my pants.

#6:
Tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you found out you have an STD

The power girls hold over guys

Let's talk about how girls can make money off of guys. I have talked about her before but I will talk about her again. My friend Olivia is A-stinking-mazing!! Her stories inspire me in ungodly ways :)

Here is one such story:

-------------------------
Once, my girlfriend Laine wanted to fly to Chicago to visit me (she lives in Houston). But the plane ticket was over $300. I told her to book the ticket and I'll think of a way to raise the money to help pay for it. When she arrived in Chicago I told her we're throwing me a bachelorette party! I was completely single at the time. But the guys didn't know that! So for one night, I put on a cheap vail ($12) a cheap tiara ($10) and I wore my old engagement ring ($??)

We drank for free at every bar. We got herded to the front of the line at every bar. The cover charges were waived for us at every bar. And Laine and I carried around a bag of Blow Pop suckers which we sold to drunk guys. We made enough money to pay 100% for her plane ticket and we bought ourselves Cubs tickets for the next day. Woot!
-------------------------

I don't think I have to say anything to this other than.....brilliant!

March madness impeeds judgement

This conversation overheard recently. Sadly, I am not sure whether they were actually talking about teams or boys, a dangerous thing to blend...

He's no Big Red, of course, but I still have an affinity for giant, shaggy, shapeless blobs (which, incidentally, gives me great taste in mascots, but a questionable dating history). And their primary mascot is a fellow named D'Artagnan, and he has a mustache.

Okay...so not all my ads will work on you

Marry for citizenship

The last poll question was about marrying someone to secure them citizenship. I have a friend that did this for one of her best friends and so far it has worked out. But there are certainly ramifications. I will say that I believe I have heard more NEGATIVE stories than positive ones when it comes to marrying for citizenship.

I got this question from a reader in Nepal. Nepal does not allow duel citizenship, but they do allow what is called “marriage visas” which is for those married to a Nepali citizen and wanting to stay in Nepal for as long as they like without getting a Nepali passport and giving up their country of birth passport, a non-tourist marriage visa is the best way. Changing from a tourist visa to a non-tourist visa can sometimes be a lengthy process and a lot of waiting around before they get to your file. But without one of these you typically have to leave the country every three to six months for a period of time.

I guess I don’t think marrying someone to get citizenship or a visa is a good idea, but if you have a standing relationship with them I can understand why you would consider it.

Some advice from the wee ones

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7


The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

How to love a black man

"Most women, generally, don’t have much trouble attracting men. A woman doesn’t need to work harder to please a man because every woman has what it takes to get the love of any man... And there is nothing else better than a BLACK MAN AND WOMAN IN LOVE. The problem lies in how to love him, keep him and understand him.

The role of a woman who is connected to a man of destiny is to condition and prepare him for his opportunity. Be sensitive to his dreams, and help him shine without minimizing him even though you make more money. Invest in making him look good.

When a Black Man captures the heart of a lover, he longs for pleasure not pressure. He was never conditioned for chaos, conflict or confrontation. Dr. Bryant delivers effective relationship advice with wit on how to pamper, feed, and love your man. Discover how you can condition your man and freely check him; assist him without him feeling disrespected and demeaned.

Every woman has near limitless power to give and get the very best spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally in a relationship with a Black Man."

This, my friends, is a SERMON. Not kidding. You can find it here.

The perfect christian dating profile

Hiiiiiilarious. <------ this is a link

A womans mustache

DON'T

How do you know you are in love?

I found this on the internet the other day and thought it was intriguing...thoughts?

How to Know if You're Really in Love

(original post...which is also a lot longer...found HERE)

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

1. You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
2. The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
3. If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
4. Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
5. When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
6. Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
7. Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.
8. You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
9. If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

Womanhood

An ode to cam

There is a guy that I have admired from afar salsa dancing for a while now. All three years I've been dancing to be honest. His name is Cam and he is a stunning black man that salsa dances beautifully.

Only one problem. He'll never dance with me. All of my admiring really has been from afar. He asked my roommate to dance maybe once when we first laid eyes on him but from then on he just dropped us. It was like we never existed. We were all regulars at the same place, saw each other EVERY week - but we were forced to just drool from a distance as we watched this unattainable beauty dance with all the other girls.

All of that changed last night. Cam asked me to dance.

I don't know if there was a lack of other girls or my combination of my shimmery silver top and messy bun wrung him in...either way, the dance I had long since dreamed about was going to take place. I was finally face to face and hand in hand with my salsa crush.

...and that's when the dream began to crumble.

First, he was wearing a v-neck and had irregular amounts of chest hair [granted this might not freak out many of you, but I have an irrational fear of hairy chests]. You don't notice these things when you admire from a distance.

Second, we just didn't mesh well, no chemistry, no heat! This perfect dance I KNEW we would have if only he'd ask me was only a myth in my head. He was the hardest lead to follow and I found myself continually saying "sorry, oops, so sorry." [And none of the mistakes even led to accidental ass grabs or boob grazes] And then I thought, "you're so good looking, and I've waited so long, this should be hot!"

Third, well, there is no third. He is still just a stunning black man.

He seems like a nice enough guy, just painfully shy and I never should have ever danced with him. It is the age old phrase I always say: "I don't want to meet you cause you'll only disappoint me"

Some boys are better left at a distance. Cause now after three long years I need a new salsa crush.