guys need to learn better pick up lines online

so…i'm back online again. cause…why not!

and one of the first messages I got was from a precious 18 year old boy:

"If I was older and not such an idiot…you would be perfect for me!"

at least he's self aware!

Other message highlights:

"hello"

"hey there"

"what's up hot stuff"

"come here often? lol"

"hi"

"nice picture, let's chat"

"it sounds like you have your head on straight, wanna go out?"

"everest!!!"

"wink at me and I'll come over to your profile and charm you"

….stay tuned for what I am sure is to be quality dates with my future husband.

when you relate to a post too much

I'm sorry, but could this post be ANY MORE BRILLIANT?! Seriously. "How To Date A Devout Christian" from Thought catalog. My friend OK....cupid showed it to me.

I can't even pick out my favorite quotes from it. Because the whole thing is my favorite quote. What I appreciate most about it is how uncomfortable I am that I still really relate to a lot of it. How many times do I catch myself saying "I hate all this dating stuff, it is so stressful and complicated and I just want to meet a nice boy that is already my friend and we both just realize that we are in love and it is not awkward and we start dating when he gives me some ranunculus and a pretty necklace." I am kidding ONLY about the necklace part.

And the prayer thing is totally legit. I still think prayer is super intimate. I cannot explain this - but it is true. The other day a guy I am not romantically attracted to at all grabbed my hands to say a quick prayer and I swear at that moment I could picture walking down the aisle with him and what our three kids would look like. It is WEIRD, people.

And I am totally down with keeping a relationship relatively quiet for like....10 years. I think a great time to announce that you are finally in a committed relationship is with the birth of your first child. That is really what seals the deal for me.

AND NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER 10:00P (Lizzo can back me up on this one)

Am I right? No? I'm alone in this? That's okay - this is not the first embarrassing things I've confessed on this blog. Go read the whole article, it's hilarious. And if this was the most confusing post you've ever read from me, that's okay. I was slain in the spirit when I wrote it.

VALENTINES DAY!!!

Oh, hello. Yes, I have been gone for a while. I deleted this blog - cause, ya know, I decided maybe it was time to act my age and not gossip about boys. But then I decided that I did not want to act my age and telling these stories is fun and hilarious. So...here I am again. But without the fancy dot com. So hopefully some people can still find me. If not, oh well, cause I originally started this blog to encourage and entertain Specca as she lived overseas - and I guess it can go back it its original purpose.

Also, I will still write as though I were anonymous - but, I don't really care anymore - which is why I am putting up a Valentine post I wrote over at The Public Queue (which my name is attached to so if you do 7.48 seconds of investigative work you can figure out who I am....my Valentine gift to you, my lovers).

Now, on with the post!

Valentines is a day for reflecting. If you are in a relationship it is a time for reflecting on all those things you love and appreciate about your significant other. What it is that makes them special, how you can continue working to cultivate a healthy relationship, and blah blah blah.

For those of us that are single, it is a time for reflecting on the ones that got away. Are we really progressing in this dating adventure or have we just gotten more desperate and too picky along the way so that one truly amazing person slipped away without us even noticing? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves. 

To start this time of reflection for myself, I am going to guess where some of my past dates are now - hopefully you can relate to some of the types of people I have dated (please? make me feel less abnormal!) And by taking a trip down memory lane we can all hopefully learn a little bit about whether we are progressing in our dating attempts or have yet to raise the bar for ourselves.

First, there's Little Justin. I am not sure he counts since he was my next door neighbor until I was about 4. All I remember is chasing him around trying to kiss him. Since I have not seen him for 24 years I am just going to guess he is in therapy.

Then there was Tyska. I chased him on the playground in first grade and kissed him on the cheek (I am JUST NOW realizing what an aggressive little girl I was!). He told the teacher on me so I had to go sit in the timeout chair. I am going to guess he works for a collections agency for the CIA.

Then there was Flower. I guess we never really dated, but I had the BIGGEST crush on him ever and he took me to a couple school dances. My dad hollered at him across a football field during the homecoming coronation. I have a FEELING that didn't help my cause in trying to marry him. That's a great story if you ever want to hear the full thing sometime. I am guessing he is married to a woman with a father that does NOT yell at him in front of large crowds of people.

Then there was Jesus. Cause, you know, I kissed dating goodbye. But it got hard when I wanted to cuddle or kiss him. He felt distant….physically. Don't get me wrong - best boyfriend I've ever had. I just thought we should not get so exclusive so fast - I was only in High School and I was sure my parents would not be happy if I settled down so early.

Then there was Hardy-Boy. You know this type, the boy who asks you to date him but keep it a secret. I am guessing he works at WalMart and plays Second Life on the weekends.

Then there was Scottish Storr. What a dream. An intense dream that scared me. But a dream. You know, the type you can't find ANYTHING wrong with but there's still no spark? I am sure he is climbing a rainbow on a unicorn with an elvish princess somewhere.

Then there was SpongeBob. The guy that had spongebob everything and was a little too obsessed with vampires. But you're willing to overlook the really odd things because he worked as a barista so I got a lots of free coffee. I am guessing he is an extra in some of the Twilight films and currently collects Robert Pattinson paraphernalia.

Then there was Blogger. I hope you don't know this type, but I think they're pretty common. The guy that after you break up with them write terrible awful things about you in a public forum, and USE YOUR REAL NAME. I am guessing he works for TMZ now.

Now we will run through a series of men I went on just ONE date with (see if you can guess why!):

Ferris: The guy that got behind the wheel of a car after drinking and said "seriously, I am fine, but just don't get too rowdy, I don't want to get pulled over - cause I am good enough to drive, just not good enough to blow into one of those tubey thingys". My guess is he is dead.

School Bus Guy: The guy that admitted hitting a school bus full of children with his car. I am guessing he is in jail.

Bouncer: The guy that lit up a joint while we were out. I am guessing he is a model now (that has nothing to do with the story - he was just VERY attractive).

Latin Lover: The guy that I met salsa dancing that later that week dropped cases of beer off at my house. I PERHAPS should not have let this one go. I am guessing he is in AA.

Myself: That one night I drank a whole bottle of wine, ate a two year old steak and too many chocolate chip cookies, and then topped it all off with the second cigarette of my life. What? Oh, yes, I did wake up puking at 3am. And my lovely roommate cleaned it up. 

Consultant: The guy I accidentally went on a lunch date with (accidental dates DO happen, am I right?) and then told I would never want to go out with again over voicemail. Oops. I am guessing he is now dating a blonde.

Eyeball: The guy that would pinch my nose and play with my hair throughout our meal and then tried to kiss me three times at the end of the date after I explicitly said no. I am guessing he works in a hair salon.

Dogpark Guy: The guy that called me Dude and still lived with his parents. I am guessing he still lives with his parents.

So, I guess you could say I could have done better. And I'd say - I KNOW. But a girl's got to eat! Even though none of these guys turned out to be the love of my life, I don't regret the journey I've been on. I've laughed a lot - and those who know me have laughed even more (mostly at me).

Christian society puts too much pressure on perfect love, on finding “THE One,” on not taking an active role in your own life and waiting for lightning to strike you until you ever do anything for God or yourself. I’m not advocating you go crazy – date everyone you see – have promiscuous sex – and marry a couple of wrong guys to find the right one. I’m just saying that dating around isn’t such a bad thing. If I’ve learned anything from all my online experiences and the random conversations with guys in bars and the various coffee dates it’s little bits of what I simply could never handle in a potential marriage partner someday. The traits my husband could not have or I would go crazy. And on the flip end I learn little bits of what I love in these various guys that I will be sure exist in any man I might pursue something serious with one day. And it’s this learning that helps me grow and, perhaps most importantly, learn about myself and how I engage with others.

I think my friend Aaron puts it well when he talks about his experience with dating and meeting his wife Megan: "I know I'll never be asked to write a book on dating. I'm cool with that. But I do know one thing about dating and that's this: some people already know exactly what they are looking for in a mate and some don't. I didn't. I thought I did, but I didn't. Sure, if I could go back I'd do some things differently. I'd approach dating much more casually and I would have been much more mindful of the feelings of others. But all in all, dating was a good move for me. I ended up finding Megan, my wife. She is perfect for me in so many ways. Had I not dated anyone I probably would have ended up marrying someone like the sex Ed. girl or the drama queen. And life would have probably been a lot like wearing a jock strap for the rest of my days. I'd survive to be sure, but no amount of adjusting would ever make it a comfortable or enjoyable experience. Thank God for dating."

The Case for a Husband #3

someone to put suntan lotion on your back so you don't burn in strange ways.

someone to scratch your back so you don't dislocate your shoulder.

someone to ride in the car with you so you can take the carpool lane.

someone to blame when you don't want to go out "oh, shoot! i really want to but HE wants to stay in tonight, sorry!"

someone to start brewing the coffee before you get out of bed.

someone to kill the spiders.

someone to take out the trash.

someone to screen your calls.

...i might actually need an assistant not a husband.

Learning to ask for phone numbers

Setting the scene:

A neighborhood Starbucks.

Corner table.

A beautiful girl with deliciously long golden brown hair sits reading.

An attractive man strikes up a conversation with her as he grabs a seat at the table next to hers.

After a few minutes she asks him to watch her stuff while she goes to the bathroom.

Boy waits an entire 43 seconds before grabbing her cell phone.

When she gets back she discovers that he has called his phone from hers in order to get her number…and she caught him!

This is why we lock our phones people.

Also…he probably could have just asked!!...he was hot.

**This story is, unfortunately, not about me. It’s been a long time since my phone was stolen. I need to leave it lying around more often. In fact, the last time I felt it sitting on a table when I went to the bathroom a MARRIED guy took it and tried to steal my number out of it – completely innocent I am sure…but still creepy.

Bone Marrow Anyone?

So, I went out with a beau for about four something months and then we broke up.

So now I am back online.

And boy do I know how to pick ‘em. Seriously – it is a spiritual gift. I might start offering my service to others. 

Date last week:

Met Eric (*not his real name!) on okCupid. He’s super cute, really nice and insanely intense and weird. 

We met at a wine bar near USC. It had a really cool vibe and delicious food. The conversation flowed like sandpaper on a piece of rough wood. I brought out every bit of extrovert there was in me.

Throughout the meal he would every so often reach over and pinch my nose. PINCH. Like he thought he was so cute and tender. *PINCH. 

Weird.

I have real long hair at the moment and was wearing it down all nice and shiny and straight. Maybe it was getting in the food or maybe I played with it too much…regardless he kept reaching over to put it behind my ear. But I didn’t want it behind my ear so I would tell him to STOP IT and then move it back again. Then he would put it back again and swipe it behind my shoulder. It was a very frustrating game that I was losing and I didn’t even want to be playing.

Then he asked to see the tattoo I have on my hand and began caressing it gently and weirdly. I felt like turning into my mother at that moment and saying: LOOK BUT DO NOT TOUCH!

And the last straw (before it got even more awkward) was when he tried to start feeding me….BONE MARROW. That’s right. He ordered us bone marrow which was pretty weird to begin with but I ate it because I am adventurous and a good sport. It was not terrible, but it was weird. But I could not handle it when he started feeding it too me. I grabbed the piece of bread dipped in the innards of a dead cow and fed it to myself thankyouverymuch….

We asked for the check – left the restaurant and walked awkwardly down the street. He stopped and asked if I would like to come over to his place.

Um…no.

I began to thank him for the evening because for me it was clearly over. As I went in to politely give him a hug I had to do a little dance with my head to avoid his lips. He pulled me back by my shoulders and said “may I?” 

Yeti: “no…I don’t think so”

Eric: “okay…but…we’ll just try”

Yeti: “um…no. no we won’t”

It was awkward. I walked away laughing. Three days later he texted me apologizing for pushing me and asked me out again – I said no thank you because I didn’t see it going anywhere and he replied “sorry if I didn’t make it clear but I am looking for a relationship”

So now I’m confused – but at least he hasn’t called again. 

Also, I don’t ever want to eat bone marrow again.

BLT

Nothing says love like a BLT. Seriously. If you like it then you should put bacon on it.

Losers

"so i was thinking about my horrible choice in guys, and i was thinking that you should write a blog about your friend who always chooses the worst guys, and then end it with something along the lines of: i don't know who should be more embarrassed: my friend for having such bad taste in guys, or the guys she chooses for....their existence."

be kind to bikers

CATS!!!!!!!

Fairytales DO some true

creepy?....or awesome?

raptured

please be ready....to be raptured (OR NOT!!!) on may 21st.
and call THIS GUY if you want to be responsible and not leave a mess for some other sinner to clean up.

cravings

Girlfriend: "ugh, it's not the right time of the month for me to be craving pizza with toasted mac and cheese on top!"

The Dunphy's Yo

Has anyone noticed that every single one of their friends identifies with the Dunphy's on "Modern Family"? Seriously. Every Wednesday night America sits down to laugh until their guts hurt - and afterward share their favorite quotes or scenes via twitter or facebook....and the most common thread I see are my male friends "confessing" that THEY ARE SO PHIL!! or married couples laughing about how much Phil and Clair resembled them in that evenings episode.

"Modern Family" has certainly created a show that has resonated with much of America...no matter what stage of life we are in. But where at the Cam's, Mitchell's, Gloria's and Jay's of the world? I never see them self diagnosing on the world wide web.

But, seriously, I am totally like Clair. And I really hope someday I marry Phil.

Divided by Homosexuality

A friend of mine recently posted a status update on facebook that stated, “can you have gay friends but not accept gay marriage and gay adoption rights?” I thought it was a great question; it really got me thinking in light of the conversation on homosexuality that took place at Fuller Seminary a few weeks ago.

Ultimately, truth begets action. You have to contemplate that if you say that you do not affirm gay marriage/adoption/equality, etc. and yet you believe that God is love and was an advocate of sinners, the oppressed, the vulnerable, no matter their status, orientation, ethnicity, etc. then I think you really have to ask yourself if you are living into this truth that you proclaim. Because either you have to affirm your homosexual friends – or you don’t really believe that God is unconditional love. The truth of God’s love requires the action of inclusion, embrace and affirmation.

I realize I have not written this in a way that seems very open to dialogue or the other side of the argument….but I am having a hard time seeing the other side anymore. 

Rev. Ken Fong ended the conversation on Homosexuality at Fuller Seminary by quoting a homosexual congregant of his who said, “trust that the same holy spirit that leads and guides you in your life will lead and guide me in mine.”

No matter where you stand on this issue – it is a difficult one that we must all address within our own ministry contexts. Everyone struggles with this issue – whether they are a homosexual, the parent of one, the pastor of one, the co-worker of one or friends. Be open to dialogue and encourage others around you to realize that our idea of who God is and how God relates to us determines our inclusivity – and we need to keep that in constant check.

i think i'm attractive so you should pay me

this website is ridiculous.

i can't decide if the whole concept is offensive. or if it's just the fact that they decide to call their two categories of users "attractive" and "generous"

generous?

you think i am going to sign up on a website, make a dating profile, and then advertise that i am willing to pay some attractive man $150 to go out on a date with me? that's not generous....that's DESPERATE.

how about calling that category "eharmony, match, okcupid and plentyoffish didn't work for me...and apparently the other people on here are unemployed so they'll take my money"

being attractive has finally become a decent side job! they've found a way of making a socially acceptable escort service.

here are the rules, in case you want to join:
* DO NOT pay or ask anyone for payment prior to meeting for a date
* If someone asks you to send money by Western Union, report them immediately
* "Generous" members are expected to pay for the date (there's no going dutch here)
* Our advice: Pay 50% of the date at the start of the date, and 50% at the end
* DO NOT accept personal checks or cashier's checks - there's just too much fraud
* CASH is king, and pay only when you meet your date in person

Find out more HERE. Sign up! You've always known you were attractive...let's see how hot you REALLY are.      

lunch break

A co-worker and I walked down to a local sex shop during our lunch break. You see, his brother is getting married in just a couple weeks and he needed some fun little gifts. And, ironically (or maybe not so ironically) I knew of a shop in the area. I will blame this on one of my best friends getting married last summer, being a bridesmaid, blah blah blah. I digress.

This shop is just terrible. I can't hardly believe they are still in business or sell 95% of the merchandise they have in there. But we were able to pick up a couple of things. One being some DICE! That's right...dice. We American's really know how to spice things up in the bedroom. The package contains three die. One has body parts, one has an action, and the third has a place.

If you are lucky enough, when rolled, you could end up: stroking- toes - in the closet.

raunchy.

all the girlfriend - none of the fuss

a friend of mine just made me aware of THIS great deal:

him "it's all the virtual social benefits of having a girlfriend without the cost, the hard work or the sex"
yeti: "lucky you! no sex!"
him: "too tiring anyway what a waste of time when you can be tweeting with her."

don't worry - he's kidding. but what are the guys who actually sign up for this thinking? oh wait, nevermind - that's what we are ALL looking for - the perfect long distance relationship.

stupidity

dating is really fun. and i even think it helps you get to know yourself better.. but the funny thing is this: when you start dating a really nice guy, you feel really stupid. let me explain.

i have started dating a really nice guy. and when i started dating him it made me think about all of my previous relationships in retrospect, and i just started feeling stupid. to think about the boys that i have dated before - all of the mind games and the mystery i thought i had to keep and the questioning about how compatible we might be...to think about how many bands i suffered through and faked an interest in, how many times i pretend to like ice cream, the political conversations I barely made it through in an attempt to sound intelligent or like I cared, and the amount of times i justified weird habits like pretending i didn't bug me that there was spongebob paraphernalia all over the house or vampire fangs were cool and living with your parents is normal...

with this guy it is just so easy. it makes sense. he is so clear and straight forward and fun. we have actual SHARED interests. i realized that relationships don't have to be complicated. they can feel right and just click. it might all come crashing down in flames...who am i to say - i've never gotten it right before. but at least it's not miserable in the meantime and I'm not eating ice cream or cuddling on the couch with spongebob square pants.

Happy VD

Happy Valentines Day my lovers!

To help you celebrate I will share with you a story that happened today - so you can be thankful you aren't dating this woman:

I was walking down the street on my way to lunch.  While waiting for a cross walk to give me the "go ahead" to cross the street I overheard the lady behind me having a conversation on the phone (or leaving a voicemail...not sure)

Crazy Lady: "You know what I would really love from you? A HANDwritten card that expresses what you appreciate most about me and how much you love me. That's it! I don't think that's too much to ask."

Please people. I don't think that's too much to ask, either. Whatever man or woman was dating her is LUCKY!!